Chapter 17.

...■■■...

...“Today, I met an angel.”...

--was the intro of today’s page. It was a little over midnight and it was raining outside.

Along with the pitter-pattering on the roof were the soft sound of piano from his phone. Kageyama laid on his bed, holding the diary above his face while he read it.

Under the line was a drawing of a band aid. Then beside it was an arrow, coming from a small text that said,

...“She gave me a band aid for my thumb :)”...

So that explains the blood… Kageyama thought, taking a proper look at the page. There were drops of blood here and there, and the writing was messier than usual. He hurt his thumb?

...“And in the process, she ended up saving me… she told me a little bit about her, and I hope she's doing better now. I hope she grows up into a fine lady, and makes her parents proud. She’s an angel, because she was the one who pulled me out of my thoughts. My thoughts that were pushing me to end it today. I’m standing by the bridge as I'm writing this, and… I dunno.”...

There's a tornado scribble after the sentences.

...“I guess today’s not the day to do it. Atsumu and I were supposed to go out, but we didn't go with the plan because… I said I'm not feeling well... and I don't think I’ll ever be well.”...

Kageyama shifts in his bed, rolling to his side as he pulls one side of the notebook behind the other so that it would be easier to hold.

Under the last statement was a lot of space. And eventually, Hinata’s writing continued.

...“As I'm writing this, I’m thinking about writing letters. For everyone. Tsum, Kei, Omi, Bokkun, Kenma, Suga-san. For everyone. If I ever do it one day, I don't want them to wonder what happened and where it all went wrong.”...

...“I think they deserve that much. To know what I’ve been feeling, how long I’ve been holding it back. And how thankful I am for being able to live a life blessed enough to have great friends like them.”...

...“For sure, if I actually… do it. And those letters are sent, or maybe even found. I hope the letters are enough for closure, goodbyes and thank yous.”...

...“I actually wrote Atsumu one the other day, but I threw it away because I ended up rambling. And… to be honest, when I wrote it… it just kept telling me not to do it. To continue on living just so that I wouldn't place a burden or weight over Tsum's shoulders. I honestly think Atsumu would blame himself if something were to happen to me....

..."So in the letter, I wrote that he was one of the reasons why I’ve been holding on for so long. Which is true, however he feels too responsible for me sometimes when… to me, he shouldn't mind me like he does because he’s wasting his time. I love him, he helps me a lot, and that should be enough. But… it’s just not.”...

...“See, I'm rambling again. I can't properly say things that go in my mind. It’s stupid. I'm stupid.”...

...“If I write letters… should I give one to Kageyama?”...

Followed by this are a lot of question marks.

...“Maybe I should write what he did. And that, it’s okay because I forgive him.”...

...“But I don't really forgive him 100%. If I did, I would be fine now. And, as you can see, journal, I am far from fine. Like Japan to Brazil far. Probably even farther, but you get the point!”...

Beside that paragraph was a drawing of a cloud, or a puff of air. It’s most likely a sigh.

...“Maybe I shouldn't. Should I leave the world without saying another thing to Kageyama? hmm”...

...“Just kidding. I can't do that to him. I probably should. But hahahaha attachment issues XD”...

...“I'm going home back to the dorms. I feel sleepy and it's so cold already.”...

...“Until then :)”...

“So did he write… letters or not…?” Kageyama asks the journal, closing it and slipping it under his pillow. He sighs, closing his eyes.

It’s obvious, it's very obvious, and he’s not denying it anymore.

The fact that he’s the reason why Hinata killed himself.

Tsukishima said it, Suga has, one way or another, and the glares he received from Sakusa and Akaashi had given it.

He actually didn't expect it from Akaashi. What he did must be a ticket to hell. It most likely is.

Kageyama’s eyes opened again, because he can't sleep with all these words in his head. He sits up, palming his forehead that began to hurt.

“Kageyama, you can't do this to me.” Echoed in his head, it was Hinata from their last conversation. Their last fight. The last time their eyes met and shared the same space.

“Do what? Hinata, I can't understand you!” Followed, it was himself shouting at Hinata. A breath later he’s back in the past.

Tears streamed down Hinata’s face, lips quivering as he tried to stop his sobbing. “I’m sorry, Kageyama, I just... I just can’t. It’s difficult---”

“Difficult to hug me?! Are you hearing yourself? You stopped holding hands with me, you don't want to come over to sleep anymore---what?! What is suddenly so difficult, huh?”

Hinata’s weeping continued, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Okay...? Please, hold on, let me breathe.” The boy covered his face, taking deep breaths in an attempt to stop crying.

While doing so, Kageyama stepped closer to take Hinata’s hands. Instead of melting into his touch, Hinata flinched and pushed his boyfriend away.

“What the f*ck is your problem?” Tobio shouts.

“You disgust me!” Hinata says, then he covers his mouth. “No, no, wait. That’s not what I meant to say---”

“You know what? I don't care anymore.” Kageyama turns to leave Hinata, but the boy grabs his arm.

“Wait! Let m-me explain. Please? Kageyama-please…!”

“Leave me alone, Hinata.”

“Please. Kageyama. Please.”

Tobio looked at Hinata, and the hand that held his own shook. From Hinata’s hand, to his eyes that were welling with tears. “Leave me alone.” Kageyama calmly pushes Hinata’s hand off.

“Hinata, I'm tired.”

“Kageyama, I can explain.”

“Don’t. Leave me the f*ck alone. Don't come near me anymore.”

“No,” Hinata begged. “Please, listen to me! Just... just this once. Listen to what I have to say--please? Listen, okay?”

“I said leave me alone! Go with Atsumu, or whoever the f*ck you want now!”

“Kageyama...” Hinata tried to grab Kageyama’s hand again, but he paused---letting a shaky breath out first before speaking again. “I'm sorry. Okay? It’s just--” Hinata steps back, holding his head. “I’m sorry. Please talk to me.”

Kageyama doesn't say anything. He just stands there, watching Hinata try to compose himself.

“You really aren't going to talk?” Hinata frowns, then he scratches his nape. “If that’s what you want, fine. I’m not going to chase you anymore. I’m... done with you. I can’t do this anymore.”

Hinata leaves first. He leaves Kageyama standing there, watching his back.

Who knew it would be the last time?

Kageyama is woken up by the strain in his heart. Then his senses turns back, and he hears his alarm blaring on his desk. He sits up to stop it, then he lies back down again.

“He was trying to tell me something.” He said, moderately, slowly, as if trying to prove a fact. “What was it…?”

He gets Hinata’s journal to read it again. He flips through the pages he’s already read, then he arrives at the number he read yesterday.

The date written above is 2 days after the last entry, and it starts off with a simple note.

...“I finished writing the letters. ”...

And it continued,

...“I wrote 16, I think. Maybe I should write more.”...

...“Tsum, Omi, Kei, Suga-san, Bokkun, Kenma.”...

...“Then Yachi-san, Kiyoko-san, Tanaka-san, Nishinoya-san, Asahi-san, Daichi-san.”...

...“Coach Ukai, Takeda-sensei, Mom and Natsu”...

...“Kageyama’s letter is in the making. IDK if I should continue it.”...

...“When I wrote the letters, it helped me remember such wonderful, beautiful memories.”...

...“My fulfilling years in Karasuno, Brazil, getting into MSBY then debuting. I remembered the challenges I've faced, just to get here.”...