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[Haikyuu!!] Hiraeth

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Chapter 9.

...■■■...

Quiet is peace. Tranquility.

Silence is pushing the off button. Shutting it down.

All of it.

It was quiet inside his house, completely quiet that Sakusa could hear his own breathing, heart beat and footsteps.

It was so quiet that he could hear the chirping of the birds, the traffic in the busy streets and the moderate voices of his neighbors.

It was so quiet that it drives him to insanity.

Why is it quiet?

It shouldn't be this quiet...

In the doorway, he stood.

He just… stood.

He was tired, despite the fact that he hasn’t really done anything that’s enough to tire him out.

For God’s sake, he’s a volleyball player--it takes a whole lot to tire out a volleyball player and what more, a player who’s in the V-League.

He had just gotten home from that MIPIML gathering, and he swears, he just sat there and tried to eat–which he didn’t.

He exhaled and took off his shoes, putting them in the shoe rack then he proceeded to clean his hands in the kitchen sink.

The faucet ran, and he wets his hands, suddenly, a wave of unexplainable fatigue washed over him. It left him leaning his hips on the counter, ducking his head down as he covered his face.

Today wasn’t a great day.

The atmosphere earlier was sickening.

Completely sickening that it made Sakusa want to vomit.

Bokuto and Atsumu clearly weren’t doing any better, Kozume was hiding his feelings and acted cool about it, Kuroo was just entirely clueless of what’s going on.

Sakusa doesn’t know everyone a whole lot, but it’s obvious to him who it is that’s grieving or not.

He wished he didn’t attend that gathering, especially because Kuroo was there.

There’s just something about Kuroo that makes Sakusa’s blood boil.

Clearly, he’s insensitive towards others. How he just pointed out the state that Bokuto was in without any second thoughts made Sakusa’s skin crawl.

Bokuto’s doing his best, everyone knows that, but Kuroo’s insensitivity--it was just so wrong.

I should watch over Bokuto more.

Sakusa wipes the water off his face. He heads to his room to change into more comfortable clothes--he plans to just sleep through the whole day. Maybe that would remove the lethargy he was feeling.

And so, after changing and washing up, he lied on his bed.

His coping mechanism isn’t exactly healthy. Atsumu knew that, and he wanted to help Sakusa.

But Sakusa just… doesn’t like being helped.

He prefers to be the one who pulls himself out of the darkness.

He’s the type of person who wants to suffer in silence, without anyone else knowing but himself. It wasn’t because he didn’t trust anyone with his personal matters–he just doesn’t want to appear weak in front of anyone.

The only person he’s shown his vulnerability is… who else?

Hinata Shoyo.

It was always Hinata who comforted him whenever Sakusa was down. The sun knew him best and it only takes a glance to know whether Sakusa was alright or not. Sometimes, Sakusa wonders if Hinata’s human or if he’s actually an angel in disguise.

Hinata is a blessing. Everyone knows that. He’s heaven sent, God sent, whoever-and-whatever-God-you-worship sent.

Hinata, to Sakusa, was a safety blanket that had legs. Short ones, at that, but he’s the best there ever is and ever will be.

Sakusa struggles and it’s the first time he’s struggled like this. He doesn’t know what to do, where to run to, or what to think.

It was always Hinata who kept him in his best shape. But Hinata’s gone now. So, what do I do?

Sakusa tries to remember Hinata’s words. Those words that shined in the dark, words that acted as candles inside golden lanterns.

“You aren’t alone. You have me, and Tsum, and Bokuto. And a lot more. So, Omi, don’t ever feel like you’re alone because all of us are here for you.”

But it’s you Hinata, that I want to talk to. Not to anyone else…

“If you ever need help, I’m always here to listen. And my arms are always open for you.”

Where are you now, especially when I need you the most?

“Want me to come over later? You told me that hugging me helped you sleep better last time.”

“Speaking of… my sleeping schedule is completely messed up.” Sakusa gets his blankets and opens it, putting it over his legs. Unlike Atsumu who’s asleep all the time, Sakusa’s always awake. It’s been a whole while since his last good sleep.

Regardless of knowing how things end, he closes his eyes.

He just prays he gets to sleep, even a little.

Sleep.

That’s all he asks for.… and maybe Hinata being brought back to life, too.

Or just… nothing ever happened to Hinata.

Yeah. That’s a better wish.

His breathing regulates, and as soon as it does--it hitches.

Sakusa sits up, taking his head in his hands while his breathing just messes up again. He then looks down on his palms and starts tracing on them, trying to calm himself down.

Unfortunately, the one causing Sakusa’s insomnia is also Hinata.

Every time he closes his eyes for a long time, his mind always drifts to memories that Sakusa holds dear. And those dear memories are suddenly twisted. Twisted in ways that are so unrealistic.

Sakusa knows it’s not true. He knows what really happened. And yet, he can’t help but be bothered by the numerous renewed versions of his memories of Hinata.

How a night of cuddling could turn into Hinata doing unspeakable things. He would see Hinata standing by the window, shirt drenched with blood while his eyes were flowing with tears. Every time he’d speak, it was obvious that it wasn’t him.

Hinata would never speak such terrifying words.

Sakusa cursed, letting his eyes peek out of his hands as he took a deep breath. His hair nearly covered his eyes, but since he had wavy hair, it was in sections and didn’t hinder his sight.

He turns to his side and reaches for the nightstand drawer handle, he pulls it and takes out a bottle of sleeping pills.

He’s been taking them for a while.

Yes, it helps him sleep, but he doesn’t really feel well the morning after.

Regardless, he takes a few and popped them in his mouth. He swallowed them dry and he lies back down, it takes a while before it takes over.

He tries to sleep despite the unending train of thoughts that ring in his ears.

Words he could’ve said, should’ve and shouldn’t have.

He closes his eyes but only to open them again, because there is no difference.

It is all the same, dark and quiet, yet bright and noisy.

He finds himself drifting once his memories revert to its original copies. Those memories when Hinata is smiling, laughing, in his arms that are just so comfortable.

Once it’s morning, he wakes up. With no memory of ever dreaming, all that time while he was unconscious was gone in a snap.

Outside the walls of his home was a sky that was still slightly dark.

It was dawn, and the sun was just about to get up. It’s okay because Sakusa went to sleep during the afternoon yesterday so he doesn’t mind waking up so early.

But what does bother him is the things he will do until later. Actually, until he goes to sleep again.

He has training today but he doesn’t feel like going. The side effects of the pills are starting to take over--they were bound to eventually. Sakusa shifts in his bed, wiping his eyes out of habit to get rid of any dried tears or sleep sand.

He gets up and heads to the kitchen to make a cup of green tea. He ignores the shakiness of his legs and the throbbing in his head. He holds his neck as he notices that it’s a little itchy, he curses, “Maybe I should shower first.”

So he heads to the shower, because it might help with his headache. Maybe he just needed to cool down.

He tripped himself of his clothing and stepped into the shower.

The water he prepared was warm, but a little on the hotter side.

He found amenity in this, the water, and the heat it provided.

It reminded Sakusa of those long days when he would find himself inside Hinata’s warm embrace. Those days when Hinata would be singing or telling Sakusa about his day while he either separated their curls or rubbed his back.

But those days of contentment are long gone. They were robbed of the sun.

What was everyone going to do?

Nothing and no one can ever replace the sun.

You’d be called stupid and shameless if you tried to find a replacement.

Sakusa didn’t even realize when he collapsed to his knees, the water pitter-pattered on his back and it slid down to his legs, until it met with the cold floor.

Why did the water feel heavy?

Was it the water or the overbearing emotions that Sakusa’s been carrying for far too long already?

He’s lost again, in his head.

He gets up when he realizes that his hands are all wrinkly, he groans and gets the soap and starts washing himself.

After, he dries himself up before going back to his room to get dressed.

The sun was completely up now, and it shined in the way it always does, unbothered by the clouds that came and went.

He had the green tea he was supposed to have earlier, and after his tea, he drank painkillers for his head.

Yeah… he relies on medicine.

He was drug dependent, and no one knew this except Hinata.

His drug dependency was one of Hinata’s main concerns, it was okay for a little while but now? It’s just… worse than ever.

Sakusa has no plan of pulling himself back.

Well, at least, for now.

He just wants to mourn until he can’t anymore.

He’ll go back to normal once he’s ready.

No one can speak to him about getting out of the darkness.

That is something only Hinata can do.

...■■■...

“Omi~” Hinata called, taking the larger hands that shook in his own.

Hinata looked up and smiled, and Sakusa suddenly wondered if it’s ever bothered Hinata. Looking up all the time. Since he was the shortest out of the bunch.

Even with a thought as simple as that, his hands continued to tremor. “I’m here, it’s going to be okay. Okay? Just,” Hinata imitates slow and deep breathing actions, “Deep breaths!”

“H-Hinata,” Sakusa swallows and tries to follow the rhythm of Hinata’s breathing, “How did you find m-me?”

“Is that really what you’re going to ask me?” Hinata tightens his grip around Sakusa’s freezing hands. He brought them to his lips and blew, attempting to make them warm again. “I’m the best at hide and seek.” After blowing a few times, he rubs them together. “Calm down, now.”

“You always find me. And I really tried to hide this time.” Sakusa watches Hinata do his routine. The holding of hands, warming, after this he’s going to make Sakusa sit. Then Hinata’s going to wipe his tears, and hug him. That’s how it always goes.

“So you’re saying the times before this, you wanted me to find you?” Hinata looks up and pokes a finger at Kiyoomi’s cheek.

“What’s wrong? You know you can tell me anything.”

“I don’t… I don’t know. I just…”

“Do you have a panic attack?”

“…I think…”

Hinata tilted his head, and the smile on his face meant ‘don’t worry anymore.’ The tears that streamed down Sakusa’s face didn’t stop, it only continued because seeing someone care for him makes him so unnecessarily sad.

Sakusa takes his hands back and he hides them in his pockets, Hinata doesn’t mind it. He just sits on the floor. He gestures to Sakusa to sit down in front of him, and the boy follows.

“Wanna tell me about it?” Hinata asks, leaning in a little to wipe Sakusa’s flowing tears. He took his handkerchief and offered it to Sakusa, “Here.”

“Thanks…” Sakusa accepts it and covers his face. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“…I understand.” Hinata pats Sakusa’s head. “Let’s stay here until you’re okay.”

“Okay.”

They sat in silence, Sakusa stopped crying after a while but he still wasn’t okay enough to go out. He feels Hinata come closer so he looks, Hinata’s made his way to his side. The boy with orange locks took Sakusa’s free hand and he started drawing on his palm.

“What are you doing?” Sakusa asks, watching Hinata draw circles and lines, sometimes it was characters.

“Uh, tracing on your palm?” Hinata answers, not stopping. “I saw Suga-san doing it before, and Asahi-san too, they said it helped with anxiety.”

“…I see.”

“Mm-hm. Is it helping?”

“I think…” Sakusa breathes out and leans his head on Hinata’s. “Anything you do helps.”

Hinata lets out a breathy chuckle, stopping his tracing and holding Sakusa’s hands instead. “Is that so?”

“Yes, Hinata. To me, you are the very embodiment of reassurance or solace.” He looks at their now intertwined hands.

Why do you always take care of everyone?

Don’t you get tired of it?

How about you, what do you feel right now, Hinata?

Are you sad too?

Do you get panic attacks too?