Chapter 16.

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“...Tsum?” Hinata called, huskily, as he crawled out of the covers to turn on the lamp on the bedside table. Hinata sat, pressing on his eyes before rubbing on them tiredly.

Ah, my back. He thought with a long hiss, then his hands fell into his lap. He lies back down, eyes wandering to the wall to check the clock. It’s past 10, but the sun isn’t shining outside. It seems to be a dark cloudy day, perfect for a movie marathon and cuddling on the couch.

Or, to just lie in bed and sleep until he feels okay again.

He could do that, he should probably do that, but that would take years of sleep. He doesn’t have that much time, nor patience.

Hinata’s hands roam around the bed, looking for his journal. He finds it eventually, it was under his pillow.

Out of habit, he opens it and Kageyama’s picture falls on his face. He throws it away on the floor, flipping through pages with his thumb and stopping on a random number.

He finds himself on a page full of scribbles and stray thoughts that he wrote. It was also a cloudy day back then. On the used paper, there were statements such as “oh, I want to sleep forever” and “If I'm not here, what would happen to them?”

The page was filled with meaningless and aimless drabbles.

...On one corner was a drawing of a volleyball, on the other side were clouds covering the sun. On the bottom of the page, it says...

...“On days like this, I want to run away.”...

…Indeed he does.

The melancholic weather made Hinata feel more somber than usual. And it’s obviously not a good thing, so on days like these, he tries to surround himself with positivity.

Today, however… he wants to just hide and rot away quietly. And Atsumu wouldn’t let him do that, Hinata is even sure that Miya had checked the weather forecast for the whole week.

Well, today, Atsumu planned to go see the flowers that were blooming in a nearby park. But then again, Hinata wants to stay indoors and not outdoors.

Since Atsumu wasn’t in the room, he was probably getting food. The boy slept over and usually, on days he stayed over, Atsumu wouldn’t leave until Hinata woke up because he thinks that the first thing Hinata would feel is loneliness. Well, he’s not wrong, but… it’s not just loneliness.

“Oh, hey! Good morning, Sho.” Hinata hears after the creaking of his door. Hinata only hums in return, and Atsumu sits beside him, kissing his forehead. “Reading first thing in the morning?”

Hinata kisses Atsumu’s neck lightly in return.

“Hmmmm…” The boy rolls to his side, “What did you get?”

“Are you hungry?” Atsumu asks first, opening the paper bag he brought in.

The boy sits up, “...not really.” His answer is what Atsumu expected, and despite this, Atsumu huffs. “...sorry.” Hinata puts his journal down, his boyfriend takes it and sets it aside.

“No, don’t be sorry. At least, you’re eating.” Atsumu gets a sandwich and hands it to his boyfriend. “How are you feeling?” It’s obvious at first glance, Hinata looks like he doesn’t want to go anywhere today. Hinata shrugs, taking the sandwich and opening it.

“Can we...”

“Let’s stay and sleep.” Atsumu says before anything else. Hinata purses his lips and holds Atsumu’s hand. “Hmm?”

“Actually… I want to be alone today.” Hinata gives Atsumu a wistful smile, “Sorry. Let’s hang out tomorrow?”

“Okay.” Atsumu leans in to kiss his boyfriend's tiny nose affectionately. “Don't be sorry, Shoyo. I understand.”

“Thank you.” Hinata looks down and fondled with his hands. “See you later.”

“Of course, just call me anytime. I love you.” Atsumu gives Hinata’s hand a firm grip before letting go, and leaving the room. The moment Hinata hears the door close, the boy collapses on the mattress, letting out the deepest and most depressed sigh ever.

“Love you, too.” Hinata whispers, closing his eyes. He gets under the covers, wrapping himself in the warmth it offered. Despite the heavy blankets, he still felt cold. He doesn't know where to get the warmth that he longs for. The bright energy that radiated within him before was long gone. Because of that, everyday began to dull.

It just disappeared in a snap, like a small candle light being pressed in between damp fingers. Gone, leaving no trace behind.

Everyone that Hinata tried to surround himself with acted as matches or lighters. But at the end of the day, it’s all the same.

Today, he doesn't want to act like he’s okay.

It doesn't help.

It never will.

In all honesty, he just wants everything to end. Swiftly, like that candle light that was no long gone.

I want to go out.

I want to escape. I want to run away. But where will I go?

“...maybe a walk would help me.” He says weakly to himself, getting up and showering.

After showering, he gets into layered clothing. As he got dressed, he took his watch from the bedside table.

While putting it on, his eyes were locked on his journal.

He bites his bottom lip, sitting on the bed and reaching for it. He grabs a pen from one of the drawers, he opens it, clicks the pen and points it down on a new blank page.

No thoughts arrived, so Hinata sat there for seconds, slowly closing the journal.

With his head in his hands, elbows leaning on the knees, he tried to think of something. Anything. Just not anything that would push him to do what he’s so desperately trying to ignore.

He takes a deep breath, then releases the oxygen his lungs collected shakily. He stands up, pockets his phone, and leaves the dorm quietly.

He walks, and he just lets his feet lead him. He doesn't mind wherever they bring him. He just wants to be alone and feel the cold breeze that blew. Eventually, he finds himself standing in the middle of a bridge that holds him above deep water. Funny.

He doesn't even realize that he’s been walking for over 50 minutes. He stops in his tracks, looking over the metal railing to see the water that reflects almost everything visible. He walks towards the railing and leaned on it, he looks at his reflection.

The water isn't still, it’s constantly moving in one direction. It’s clear, so clear that Hinata can see different kinds of fish that are swimming. There were kois… (that's the only fish he can name).

Hinata bites the dry flesh surrounding the nail on his thumb. His vision blurs, because he wants it to, and he just completely zones out. With his other hand, he grips on the journal, his mind is still blank, so there’s nothing he can write.

Somehow, he feels sorry for himself.

He wants to write. He just doesn't know what. His thoughts are completely empty.

...What if I jump?...

Hinata’s vision goes back to normal, eyes now looking closely at the deep waters.

...Would anyone miss me?...

His biting continues, and he’s starting to taste something metallic.

...If I jump, will anyone be sad?...

...Would anyone notice the space I leave behind?...

...If I jump, and drown, would anyone be sad?...

...Would anyone’s life change?...

He doubted the new train of thoughts that enveloped him in negativity. His thumb began to bleed, but he didn't notice this.

...Would Atsumu be mad?...

...Would Kei be sad?...

...Would Kenma, Sakusa, Bokuto…...

...Kageyama…...

......would they… would they miss me?...

...Would Natsu be okay?...

...Would my Mom cry?...

Hinata drops his journal on the floor, grabbing his hair and shuts his eyes, squeezing them closed.

...I want to jump....

...I want the pain to end....

...I'm not okay....

...I can't be okay....

...I can't do this anymore....

“Excuse me?” Hinata hears, barely. And it’s what pulled him from his trance. Hinata opens his eyes, turning to where he heard the voice as his hands fall to his sides. “Sorry. Are you okay?” It’s a girl, a high schooler. She’s tall, but shorter than Hinata. Brown long hair and calm eyes. She was pretty.

“...yeah.” Hinata answers after a little moment. The girl stands next to him, leaning her back on the railing. “Were you thinking about doing it?”

“What?” Hinata looks at the water again.

“Jumping.” The girl answers, voice low. “You were shaking.”

“Would you believe me if I said that I was having a seizure?” Hinata tries to make an excuse. He didn't want to pour his problems to a girl, a high schooler, no less. “I wasn't.”

“Alright… that's good to hear.” The girl looks down to her feet and notices the journal on the floor. She kneels down to pick it up. “Is this yours?” She points the edge to Hinata.

“O-oh. Yeah, thanks.” Hinata takes it from her and bows lightly. “...shouldn't you be at school?”

“Yep. But school is boring.” She says naturally, sighing as she finishes. “I was thinking about jumping to relieve my parents from their sorrows.” This makes Hinata look at her quickly. “But then I saw you.”

“...and?”

“Seeing you shaking like that, with your bloody thumb. I thought that you wanted to end it, and thinking of someone losing their life… even if it’s a stranger, made me sad.”

“I don't really understand.” Hinata looks at his thumb, and the girl’s right. It’s bleeding.

“It’s okay. I hope you're really okay.”

“I… am.” Hinata keeps his thumb under all his other fingers. “You shouldn't think about jumping here. Or anywhere. If you want to help your parents, finish school and achieve something they’d be proud of.”

“...yeah. No need to say that. I thought of it while I was walking towards you.”

“I see.”

The girl chuckles and gets her wallet. Then she takes out a plain bandaid and gives it to Hinata. “Here, for your thumb.”

“Oh.” Hinata smiles, “Thank you.”

“You're welcome!” The girl smiles back. “Want me to put it on for you?”

“No, it’s fine.” Hinata takes the bandaid and pockets it, “What’s your name?”

“Sorry, I don't really like older men.” The girl stands up with a hup.

“What? I’m just asking for your name!”

The girl laughs. “Nevermind me.” Then she bows. “I have to go now. Classes.”

“...right.”

“Thank you. If I see you here again I’m going to kick you.”

“What?!”