Chapter 1.

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It was a quiet Sunday, and it was the day after Hinata’s funeral.

Kageyama sat alone in Karasuno’s Volleyball court. He didn’t know why his feet dragged him there, maybe it was just his old habits, or maybe to find peace of mind amidst the calamity inside his head and heart.

It was a weekend so there was no students around, just few teachers.

He has missed going here, he admits.

He remembers those continuous days of racing with Hinata to and from school. How Hinata would dash through, how he’d made these stupid rumbling sounds.

Kageyama misses everything about Hinata, and there’s so many things he’s come to regret.

Like how he was persistent on not becoming in the same team as Hinata. Or how he didn’t try to stay up to date with the boy, and how he rarely even tried to see him sometimes.

MSBY’s currently a mess with Hinata gone.

Atsumu seems like he doesn’t want to play now, so does Sakusa, and of course, Bokuto.

Bokuto was one of those who couldn’t accept it until the funeral, even now. Just like Kageyama, Bokuto has no plan on accepting the bright boy’s sudden death. Even more so for Atsumu.

Kageyama sighs, sitting in the corner while hugging his knees to his chest. The wooden floor was cold… just like his heart.

F*ck, he swore inwardly, feeling the throbbing and the aching inside his chest. The longing, the grief, the lament, the endless overthinking. Kageyama can’t focus on anything anymore.

“Ah…” Someone from the door makes a sound, Kageyama lifts his chin to check and he finds Atsumu.

“…Tobio-kun.”

Kageyama stands up from the floor, “Hey…”

“What are you doing here?” Atsumu asks, walking in and picking up a ball.

Kageyama shrugs, “I could say the same to you.”

The boy slips his hands into his coat’s pockets, looking down and letting his hair cover his swollen eyes.

“I was actually looking for you. Then I thought I’d find you here… You weren't at your house.”

“D*mn, I didn’t think Sho-kun would be the reason why we’re going to see each other.”

“What do you mean?” Kageyama glances towards Atsumu who’s looking at the door.

“I came to give you something.”

“…huh.” Tobio stared at Atsumu who’s struggling in getting something from his bag.

What kind of relationship did they have? Is it the kind of relationship where Hinata leaves his things behind to let Atsumu keep? …something like that?

It hurts, thinking about it, so Kageyama tries to dismiss his useless thoughts. But can’t, because now, he’s bothered by the thing Atsumu wants to give.

Atsumu fishes something from inside his bag. He takes out a medium sized journal, with a thick leather cover. He hands it to Kageyama.

“What is it?” Kageyama asked as he takes the thing.

“It’s Sho-kun’s diary.”

“…why are you giving me his diary?”

You're the boyfriend... aren't you...?

“I think… there are words here that are meant for you to read. It's not just me, Bokuto and Osamu thinks so as well.”

“You three have read Hinata’s diary?”

“A bit, only until page 9 or 10. Bokuto said that it was wrong to read it.”

“What makes you think that it’s right for me?”

“Hinata mentioned you a lot. Even in little scribbles or random writing,” Atsumu looks towards Kageyama, Miya tries his best to hide his anger, “And besides, we think it’ll give you some peace of mind.”

“…huh.” Kageyama doesn’t open the journal just yet.

“And… Hinata talked about you a lot. He would always find ways on how to include you in his daily conversations… he adores you a lot, and I’m sure you feel the same way about him. I hope… Hinata’s death doesn’t taint any of your good memories of him. As well as the bad.”

Kageyama falls silent.

“And… Hinata doesn’t hold any grudge towards you. At least, I know enough to say that."

With that last state, Atsumu walks off, without saying anything else--no, before he could say something else, before he could punch Kageyama or hopefully kill him.

Kageyama looks at the textbook’s cover. It wasn’t old, nor was it new. It was in good condition, but it’s spine was a little textured, and the most pages were obviously used because of the dents and folds.

Kageyama leaves the school and heads home, mind lost in the clouds.

It’s not that they drifted apart. They were just too busy. Hinata was busy getting better and training, the same with Kageyama.

That’s definitely it.

There’s nothing else to it.

Once Kageyama is home, he takes note that no one else is inside. He kicked off his shoes and went to his room to rest.

When he was finally lying down on his bed, he wanted to sleep but his eyes couldn’t stay closed.

His thoughts wander, to the most recent memories of Hinata to the oldest.

He realizes that Hinata’s changed so much, over the years. He doesn’t know if it’s a good change, or a bad change–he’s not one to say. Especially when…

“F*ck.” Kageyama swore, hissing as he turned on his belly and buried his face into his pillows.

All he could think of was Hinata. Hinata’s smile, orange hair, umber eyes, his small body, his voice….

He wonders if he’ll be able to sleep tonight.

But it bothers him.

No one really understands how Hinata died.

Was it… on purpose? or was it an accident?

There are people who say that he walked into the middle of the road without much thought.

There are people saying that a car hit him while red light.

There are people that say that he’s been struggling and just felt… like it…

There are people saying that thinking of it as something Hinata did on purpose is stupid.

Because why would Hinata want to end his life?

Things are finally going his way. He’s in a professional volleyball team, with people he’s already familiar with. His team’s a star and has made history in the volleyball world.

Why would Hinata want to do something like that when his life’s at the top or heading to the peak?

It’s stupid, Kageyama thinks. Why does it matter? He’s gone.

Hinata can’t be brought back.

The pointless chatter about how Hinata died is completely stupid.

But… sure, Kageyama also wants to know how Hinata died. But he doesn’t want to hear it from anyone else but Hinata, and that’s impossible. So he knows that he should just let it go.

He thinks… if Hinata really walked into traffic, why would he want to do such a thing? If he was struggling… why didn’t Shoyo ask for help?

Why… didn’t he notice?

Kageyama should’ve noticed.

Does Atsumu know something?

Maybe he’ll find out, maybe he wont.

Taking a deep sigh, he pulled out Hinata’s diary and opened it to the first page.

“…Hey…”

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