Chapter 19.

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“...why did you call me out here, Tobio?” Atsumu asks as he sits down in a pretty much empty cafe. “If this is about the punch--”

Kageyama places Hinata’s journal on the table calmly. “I read it all.”

“You finished… just now?” Atsumu tilts his head unknowingly.

“Reading it all at once hurt too much… so it took me this long.” Kageyama looks down on his coffee cup. “Can I ask you something?” Atsumu just shrugs in response. “What made you feel like I deserved to have this?”

“You don’t. I just gave that to you so that it would make you remember, and know how the hell Shoyo lived because of what you did.”

Kageyama swallows dryly, then he opens the journal to show Atsumu a page he saved.

...“The letters I wrote, I hid them away in the box under my bed."...

...“Tsum, if anything happens to me, I know my diary will end up with you. So there you have it. there's a letter for everyone under my bed in the dorm. Read it if you want, and my last favor will be… please give the letters to everyone else.”...

Kageyama showed him, and he tried to say, as gently as he could, “Did you know about these?”

Atsumu leaned down to read it, checking the date first… then on the sentences Kageyama tapped on. “I… don't…” Kageyama bites his bottom lip, thinking of what to say next. And he’s about to speak when Atsumu takes the journal.

“I've never read this part.”

“I think it’s you who deserves it most.” Kageyama bows his head. “And… I still don’t recall what exactly happened and perhaps… the letter, if Hinata made me one… I want to find out, I want to read it and finally know exactly what I’ve done.” Kageyama lowers his head even more, “So please, show me to Hinata’s dorm.”

“...okay.” Atsumu agrees, and it’s what Kageyama least expected. Tobio looked at Atsumu, eyes big, he expected him to put on some kind of fight.

But… looking at him now… Atsumu looked so small. His eyes were fixated on the journal, frowning, with eyes that probably haven't slept well in so long. He gripped on the journal, and Kageyama knew that he was on the verge of crying. But instead he just sat there, trying to breathe as calmly as he could.

Maybe he’s gotten so used to keeping his feelings at bay.

It’s already been… what..? Nearly seven months since his death…? And nothing has changed. Atsumu’s still holding on, Kageyama’s still as pathetic as he was a year ago.

“Let’s go.” Atsumu says, standing up and carrying the journal with him. Also leaving the coffee Kageyama bought for him untouched, like it was never there to begin with.

“Thank you.” Kageyama followed as Atsumu walked outside the cafe, and in his car.

“Sit at the back.” Atsumu unlocks his car and gets in. Kageyama just listens without saying anything and just climbs in. The ride was quiet and extremely uncomfortable for the two of them. And when they're at the dorms, they immediately head to Hinata’s dorm.

The dorm room is dusty and dark, it’s given that no one’s come in here in so long. Kageyama stands at the door while Atsumu slowly walks in.

Kageyama’s eyes roams through the room, it’s his first time seeing it.

It’s… mostly empty… Hinata’s clothes must be back at his home, where they belong. There are boxes stacked up in the corners, while a few of the furniture pieces are covered in white cloth.

Atsumu gets the box from underneath the bed. He didn't know about this.

He hesitantly opened it, and the first thing he saw was a letter addressed to Kageyama. He picked it up, and below the letter were so many more, neatly compiled with twine. He took that, too. And there was a card attached to the twine, simply saying,

...“I'm sorry. I guess I did it after all… Atsumu, I love you. A lot. Maybe even more. As said in the diary, my last request for you was to deliver this for everyone. But… please only do so when everyone’s okay. Only when everyone has moved on. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry”...

Atsumu returns the letters, pursing his lips as he held back all of the emotions that came flooding in. He stood and handed Kageyama the letter, not looking at him because who knew, he could beat this guy up, maybe even kill them, if he had what it takes.

“Read it here.” Atsumu ordered as Kageyama took the envelope. The sound of paper rustling followed, then Kageyama’s weak voice.

...“Kageyama.”...

He read, and his voice was already shaking.

...“Kageyama, hi.”...

Was written on the top left, after it was…

...“How are you? How long has it been? Did Atsumu deliver the letters?”...

...“Well, you wouldn’t be reading this now if it weren’t for him, so make sure to thank him, okay? I know you and him aren’t on the best terms, I know best because I was one of the reasons why…"...

..."Uhh, Kags, I just want to say thank you first. Thank you for being the first person to push me to become the best version of myself. During middle school, and Karasuno. Thank you for staying by my side, and always teaching me things. I, uh, know that I said I would beat you one day…”...

...“I guess that day is never coming. As you can tell…”...

...“Thank you for all the wonderful memories. And for being my boyfriend for nearly a year. I’m sorry for not being able to tell you anything. I’m sorry for a lot of things, but what I’m most sorry for is not telling you what happened, and why I kept distancing myself from you.”...

...“*Have you remembered? That one day we were drinking. You drank too much and forced me to have s*x with you*.”...

Kageyama swallowed the lump on his throat. He hesitated to read but Atsumu glared at him.

...“I cried so much that day and I ran away.”...

...“When you texted me the next morning, I thought you were acting dumb. But then, you really didn’t remember anything. One way or another, I was thankful. I don’t know if I could continue living, with you knowing what you did--everything would have been so awkward and… ugh, I don’t want to think about it.”...

...“Well, now that I’m dead---I shouldn’t hold back anymore, right? I’m saying this not because I want you to live with shame, or to remember what you did me as long as you live. I’m saying this because you need to know and realize your mistakes. I don’t want this to happen to anyone else.”...

...“Because of you, I started to… not want to live my life. I became so self conscious to the point that everything was so suffocating. Being poked randomly made me cry, I became wary of new people. Because of you it was so difficult to trust again.“...

...“So I hope you learn to drink moderately, I also feel bad for your liver.”...

...“So… you may think that I killed myself because of you.”...

...“Don’t think that, okay? It’s not your fault. If I was stronger, none of this would’ve happened. I don’t want you blaming yourself for the inevitable. I’m telling you this not to blame yourself, okay? You should know that I forgive you. I don’t hate you. I love you, but like, the old you. The one from before. The simpler Kageyama who I raced with to and from school. The Kageyama that wasn’t my boyfriend.”...

...“After getting together, you changed so much. Like literally. You became strict and stuff…”...

...“But despite that, I loved you, and didn’t mind at all, until that day.”...

...“Well, anyway….. Kageyama, I hope you become the volleyball player you want to be.”...

...“I’ll be cheering for you, even from up above or down below.”...

...“I have a lot to say to you but, I don’t want to say anything anymore.”...

...“Bye, Kageyama. Thank you, goodbye, I’m sorry, and I love you.”...

Below the last line was a signature, then a heart.

Kageyama feels his whole body quiver, in disgust and in shame. F*ck . How could I have---

He grabbed his hair, dropping the envelope and letter on the ground.

“Oh my God.” His throat managed to deliver, “I’m so sorry.”

Everything came flooding back, that night---how he held Hinata, how he touched him, and ignored his cries. How red Hinata’s skin was from the sobbing, and his hitched breath. How much Hinata tried to refuse him, how many times he tries to crawl and push Kageyama away---

“Kageyama, p-please, stop! D-don’t do this. P-please..!”

He covered his ears, but Hinata’s voice only became clearer.

“No..! Kageyama! Please, stop! Please…! I don't want this--”

Kageyama runs out, leaving Atsumu and the letter behind. He ran somewhere, anywhere---

He just wanted to be alone, away from people.

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