Chapter 8.

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...“Hey Diary. Today, I tried doing it again.” ...

Kageyama continues reading.

He was at the 20th page, it was crumpled and the right edge of the page had blood stain…?

Tobio notices the shaky handwriting, as if Hinata was trembling when he wrote this entry.

...“It hurts.”...

...“But I don’t feel it.”...

...“It’s funny. I feel so funny.”...

...“I only stopped because I heard my phone ring. Kenma called me. He asked if I can visit him or he will come to me.”...

...“I told him that I will go to his house. Because I don’t want him to see how messy my apartment is right now.”...

...“Maybe Kenma is an angel?”...

...“I need to tend my arm first, diary. See you later.”...

...“Or maybe never…?”...

Tobio flipped it to the next page, only seeing a page full of blood stains.

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“Kenma,” Hinata took a firm hold of his friend’s hand, beaming at him as he did so. The lips he wore were weary, just a little curved but enough to call a smile. “You… really have to stop worrying too much.”

“Hinata…” Kozume uses his other hand to put over Hinata’s.

“Listen to me first.”

“…okay.” Kozume looks down and nods, deflating a little.

“None of this is your fault, why are you acting as if it was?” Hinata spoke as gently as he could, his smile unfaltering. “Look, Kenma.” The boy with the hair that needs to be dyed again met eyes with Shoyo Hinata leaned a little closer, cupping the cheek of Kozume’s. “You’ve changed, you know?”

“You have, too. And I… I can’t help it, Shoyo.” Kozume leaned into the warm touch Shoyo offered, frowning in the process. “I should’ve been there. If I didn’t leave y–”

“Stop.” Hinata hushes his friend, placing his thumb to Kozume’s lips. “Stop right there. You were busy. So don’t blame yourself.” He sighed, withdrawing his hand and putting it over Kozume’s. Their hands were sandwiched together, Kozume had no intention of letting go. Neither did Hinata.

“Like I said… I can’t help it.”

“You’re so precious, Kenma.” Hinata simply complimented, without any malice at all. This made Kozume’s stomach churn in a way he didn’t like.

“How can you say that?”

Hinata shrugs. “I’m not going to take it back. You really are.” Hinata’s cocoa eyes averted, but eventually met with Kozume’s golden ones. “I mean… you take care of me even when you live far away. And… you’re even trying to get me to take therapy.”

“Because I can. I’m only trying to help, Shoyo.”

“I know. And I’m thankful.” Hinata sighs, voice cracking a little as he spoke again, “You’re welcome to help me and don’t mistake it, I’m very grateful.”

“But?”

“But don’t expect me to accept all of it… you know? Kenma, I don’t need therapy. Don’t force me into taking it.”

“…does it feel that way?”

“Lately.” The ginger admits, trying to take his hands back but Kozume refuses to let go. “I have all of you. And it’s not like I’m completely traumatized. If I was, I wouldn’t be able to face Kageyama.”

“That’s because–”

“Let me finish.”

“S-Sorry. Please, go on.”

Kozume lets go of Hinata’s hands only to fix the way he held them. With his slightly larger ones, he kept Hinata’s inside of his like tight shackles.

“Kenma,” Hinata’s voice softens. “I’m doing better now, so you can lay off a little bit. You don’t have to visit me all the time, Atsumu and Omi are always around me. So is Bokkun. So I’m never really alone in the dorms.”

“I can’t help it…” Kenma repeats for the third time.

“You can, Kenma.” Hinata inches forward, leaning his head on Kozume’s chest. “You can start by working harder, on your job I mean, not on me!”

Kozume chuckles, resting his chin gently on Hinata’s head. “…okay. In return, please be honest with me all the time, okay? Tell me if you ever need help. Or, for the best, text me at least once every day. Just to update me.”

“Sure… okay. If that makes you feel better.”

“Way better.”

“I’m sorry, Shoyo. I just… can’t let anything happen to you, ever again.”

“Seriously, you need to stop acting like you’re my boyfriend or something.”

“I could be. I mean, I’m just trying to be here for you.”

“Sorry, I’m taken.” Hinata giggles, “And I’m thankful for you.”

Kozume wraps his arms around Hinata, letting the boy adjust and be comfortable. Then they lean back on the mattress, both huffing as they relax.

Kozume wishes that they could stay like this forever. He wishes that Hinata could be calm like this, all the time. And accepting all of his touches.

Hinata claims that he’s getting better but Kozume doesn’t see it.

Every time someone touches or even pokes Hinata out of nowhere, the boy either jumps or squeals. The boy’s grown conscious of other people’s skin.

Kenma prays that Hinata would genuinely be better one day. And that Kageyama… would face his wrongdoings properly.

Kenma also hopes that one day, his feelings would reach Hinata. With all honesty, he doesn’t mind watching him from afar, or staying as a friend.

But it sure would be nice to be able to hold Hinata like this all the time. To be his safety blanket, his partner everyday, the person he could go to when he needed something. Kenma just wants to be the first ever person that comes to Hinata’s mind whenever he’s in a state of panic, or in need of someone to lean on.

That’s all Kenma asks. It doesn’t sound too hard, but knowing the situation, it’s impossible. Hinata has a lot of people in his life. Kenma thinks that he’s just one of the people who try to chase him and keep him for the calmness of the soul.

If only it was possible to keep Hinata away from the world. If he had Hinata’s consent, he would have bought tickets to another country almost immediately.

He’s capable, fully capable actually, to take care of Hinata in every way possible. He’s got a lot of money and he intends to use most of it on ‘his’ Shoyo. He’s got enough to buy a house, to support himself and Hinata alone, he has literally everything prepared if Hinata just said the word.

Frankly, Hinata has no idea how deep Kenma’s gone. All Shoyo has ever thought is that Kenma’s the most generous and the way Kozume cares for him is like a brother, but in a sense… that Hinata can’t really wrap his mind around.

Hinata often leaves it untouched as he doesn’t want to end up thinking of something awkward. But in all honesty, he’s just afraid of finding out that there’s more who love him.

He himself has a hard time doing so. What more if it was someone else?

“…are you asleep?” Kozume asks, combing the underside of Hinata’s silky locks.

The boy doesn’t answer. His breathing resonates with Kozume’s. It’s slow and consistent, comforting and reassuring. Carefully, Kozume places a kiss on the boy’s orange hair.

“Yeah. Just sleep. I’ll be right here.” Kozume whispers, looking at Hinata.

His hand wanders, landing on Hinata’s arm. He checked, it had fresh cut marks mixed with the old ones.

That’s why the boy was wearing long sleeves today. Shoyo knows that Kenma will be mad to see this that’s why he hid it.

Kozume sighed as he traced the wounds, wondering if he can feel what Shoyo feels right now.

Is he sad? Sure, he is.

Is he mad? Probably.

Nevertheless, Kozume was almost sure that Shoyo had forgiven Kageyama already.

But Kenma won’t. Never.

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