Episode 17

My birthday is just around the corner, a mere couple of weeks before graduation.

I used to detest it because my parents always managed to make that day particularly miserable for me.

Now I look forward to it because only then will I be free to leave it all behind.

"She's so ungrateful. I don't know what to do with her, she never listens to us." I overhear mom talking in the hallway.

It's late, and I should be sleeping, but demons are enemies of sleep and won't let me rest.

I rise from my bed and touch the ground with my bare feet, silently walking towards the door to listen more closely to Mom.

"Send her away?" she asks, horrified. "It would be a scandal to have a daughter in a psychiatric facility. There must be another way to deal with her silly teenage impulses."

I close my eyes in relief because it seems that even Mom isn't drastic enough to commit me just because I refuse to go to college as she desires.

"No. Landon said he didn't have time to talk with her," Mom continues speaking. "He's busy preparing for his wedding with Amy. I hope this time my daughter doesn't ruin things for those two, I really want my son to end up with a decent girl, just like your daughter is."

Is she talking to our neighbor?

No wonder Amy's mother suggested sending me away. Both mother and daughter detest me for reasons unbeknownst to me.

"I'm so envious of you, I wished I had a daughter like Amy. Catherine disappoints me with every choice she makes; I don't understand how I could give birth to such a failure."

I move away from the door before Mom's words can wound me further.

Last night, I heard something similar when Dad was berating her for not aborting me when he had demanded it years ago.

Mom defended herself by saying she thought I would be like my brother, which didn't happen because I refuse to work in a field I don't want for myself.

Tears blur my vision as I look out the window, tempted to leave even at midnight.

I'd do anything to escape the darkness.

I'm sick, not just with my brother's love; love isn't the only thing torturing my mind.

There's this bug whispering in my ear, a demonic one planting bizarre ideas in my head.

It promises to end the pain.

"Do it, Catherine."

End the suffering, the pain you've harbored for so long.

I try to think of the only two people who might save me from darkness, but both can live without me, and to neither am I the first choice.

I love my best friend like a sister, but she has her person and, even though she denies it, I know she doesn't need anyone else.

I'm not necessary to her.

I'm not necessary to him, to my brother, because he's found his person, his other half.

Amy is so very lucky.

I'm so jealous of her.

I'm not thinking when I open the top drawer of my desk and take out the scissors, sharp and dangerously edged.

I'm not thinking when I hold them in my hands and the demonic bug in my head whispers desires I dare not voice aloud.

End the pain, Catherine.

End the agony.

You'll never be enough for anyone.

No one will ever love you.

Your heart is soiled, and your mind sick.

There's no cure for you.

I press the scissor tip into my skin, drawing a straight line on my wrist, then a second just above the first.

Blood decorates my pale skin, dripping down my forearm and staining the white carpet of my room.

Mom will be angry and say cruel things.

Dad will have to change the carpet and will probably want to beat me with his belt, hitting harder if he hears me scream.

I sit on the floor, back against the bed, watching my wrist with two fresh and deep cuts.

There is no pain, you see?

My heart has stopped bleeding because my arm does so in its place.

The bug was right; perhaps it wasn't as demonic as I thought.

It just wanted to be heard, just as I longed to be heard.

Maybe it just needed to be accepted, just as I wished to be accepted.

I make a third cut, far deeper than the others, one that soaks through my pajamas and the floor where I sit.

I drop my arms to either side, resting my head on the bed as I gaze at the ceiling.

It's strange, the peace in the midst of darkness that has been scaring me for so, so long.

It no longer hurts.

The voice in my head has also chosen to be silent because I finally decided to heed its call.

I smile as I lose consciousness, pulled into overwhelming sleep. For days I've been trying to find sleep, and now it has finally come – the time for rest.

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