Episode 1

Catherine Howland:

^^^[14 years old]^^^

My heart shattered for the second time on that autumn afternoon, as I watched the leaves fall from the tree outside my window. My gaze was drawn to them, their orange hue, and their dry tips.

I preferred to watch them rather than my brother's gaze, which was intended not for me but for our new neighbor.

Amy had moved in with her parents the day before, and just like today, I witnessed it through my bedroom window.

She stepped out of the silver car, wearing a t-shirt, a denim shirt, and a skirt that reached her thighs.

Her black hair, with its beautiful waves, was the first thing that caught my attention, but I was not the only one.

Landon was watching her too.

Why did he have to be at home right now?

After he started college, we talked less, although it was to be expected. He had entered a new stage of his life, meeting new people, and embracing new responsibilities.

I missed him so much it hurt, but I was content with the brief messages we exchanged at night, just before my bedtime, and yes, I have a bedtime.

Mom and Dad can be quite strict about adhering to the house rules.

She also noticed my brother's presence, and I became a firsthand witness to the connection that sparked between them.

Do I believe in love at first sight?

I would say yes, because whatever was in that exchange of glances was the catalyst for them to fall hopelessly in love with each other.

It was that simple; it only took a second to find each other and know they belonged together.

Something I would never have.

Landon would never look at me the way he looked at her that first time, not even when I'm old enough because we are siblings, and always will be.

I will always be his little sister.

And he will always be my big brother.

"What are you looking at?" My mother bursts into my room without knocking on the door, she never does, and gets angry with me when I lock it.

I shift my gaze away from the window, letting the leaves fall gently in an almost beautiful motion, diverting my attention from Lan and Amy, who have been talking in our front yard for the last hour about something that's kept them very engaged.

My heart twists in my chest, pleading for a minute's respite, it's a shame this isn't going to stop soon.

"The leaves take on such a beautiful color in autumn, I was thinking of preserving some."

She doesn't seem pleased with my response, but she's mom, she's never happy when it comes to me.

"Do something better with your time and clean up the mess your precious leaves have made." She orders, turning her back to leave the room, muttering, "I'll have that stupid tree cut down."

I want to tell her that the tree has been there since before our house, it must be at least 150 years old, but again and as always, I don't have the courage to contradict mom.

I go downstairs after grabbing a bag and a rake to gather the fallen leaves from the tree.

When I step out the front door, I catch Amy and Lan's attention, which only makes me blush.

"Is that your sister?" Amy asks. "She's so cute and small. How old is she?"

"She's 14 years old," Lan replies, looking at me, giving me one of his warm brotherly smiles.

Unlike my parents, Lan has always been proud of me.

Maybe he does it because he knows I don't have mom and dad's attention, so he's chosen to be a good big brother, the best anyone could wish for.

I don't deserve his love.

I have tainted his pure and kind love with my wrongful affection.

I can't bear the pressure in my chest when I become aware of the illness tormenting my heart.

I am sick and afraid, afraid I won't find a cure for my illness, afraid of living with this pain until it's too late, too late to be saved from the darkness.

There is no light to guide my way when I cling to this impossible love.

A sick love.

If I could tear it from my chest, I would, without hesitation, not because it's difficult to bear, but because it would bring horror and revulsion to his gaze if he ever found out.

Landon can never know, he can never find out that I've been harboring this love longer than I can remember.

I don't want his image of me to be tarnished by my illness, I want to remain his beloved sister, even if that's all I will ever get from my big brother.

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