Episode 18

Catherine Howland:

^^^[Age 18]^^^

I'm left with an emptiness in my chest and a hush in my soul, my body heavy yet the constant ache in my breast has ceased.

Upon opening my eyes, a blinding light scorches them, forcing me to shut them once more.

I hear a woman's voice calling for a doctor, speaking my name, and mentioning something about a coma.

I don't understand, but despite my curious nature, this time I feel no need to grasp what's happening.

A minute later, a man in a white coat with an odd-sounding last name arrives, asks a few questions that I'm not brave enough to answer.

I just watch in silence.

I also watch in silence hours later, when my mother arrives escorted by my father.

She looks disappointed to see me, hurling an insult or two for making her look like a bad mother.

Dad says I ruined it, that I wrecked the family in my quest for attention.

I remain silent, unfeeling as I watch them.

There's no pain, no torment from their rejection, but then, several hours pass and I see my friend.

She looks devastated, dark circles under her eyes, hair unkempt, as though she's neglected herself for months.

"I thought I'd lose you." She sobs, falling to her knees, her hands clutching the railing of the bed. "Thank you, thank you for waking up."

Her brother stands by the door; unlike Fanny, he's shattered not by seeing me but by her distress.

I get Matt.

I'd be shattered seeing her weep because my friend isn't emotional, she doesn't cry in front of others and certainly never kneels for anyone.

Here, I was wrong because she just did, she just wept and knelt for me, for a friend who doesn't deserve her friendship.

I want to say something, but I'm ashamed because I didn't think of her when I did what I did.

I thought of no one but myself.

I just wanted to stop my pain.

"I was so scared, Cath. So damn scared of losing you." She tries to speak through tears. "You were comatose for months, goddamn months without waking, without any sign of it."

"I'm sorry, Fanny." My mouth feels parched.

"Don't apologize, damn it." She looks up, her green eyes piercing into mine. "It's not your fault, you're not to blame. They caused it, they pushed you and drove you to the damn edge. I should kill them for doing this to you, I should strangle your mother with my bare hands."

"I will, damn it. I'll do it right after I'm done with you because that harpy can't keep living after this. Then I'll go after your father, that bastard I'll throw off the damn cliff a minute after making him eat his bloody guts."

"There's no need to do anything, Fanny."

"Of course, there is, they..."

"They're not worth it." I interrupt her. "None of it's worth it, not my parents, not anyone. I was weak and I tried to take the easy way out, but it won’t happen again."

My friend stands up, her hands coming to my face, holding both cheeks with her cold, very cold hands.

"You are the strongest woman I know," she says with tears in her eyes. "You're my goddamn doll, resistant to idiots, the only one who could tolerate a hot-headed fool like me. You are sheer heaven with every rainbow and pastel hue. You bring color to my world and the worlds of those lucky enough to know you."

"And you're damn strong, Cath. You can't be weak when you were surviving in that viper's nest. You're a survivor, still are, because you damn well woke up, you did it. You kicked death in the ass because deep in your heart, you knew you couldn’t give up. You had to come back and you did, and I’m grateful, so grateful because my heart would've died with you if you had gone. And I know you, I know you'd never do that to a friend, you couldn’t, because you're all love and tenderness."

When Fanny finishes, she's a mess of tears and sniffles, which Matt takes care of with a black handkerchief embroidered with yellow.

I want to apologize to her, I need to because I underestimated her importance in my life, underestimated her feelings for me and it was unfair because such a thought would never have crossed my mind if my parents hadn't made me feel so useless and unnecessary.

"It's odd seeing the roles reversed," Matt comments as he finishes cleaning Fanny's face, now red from crying.

He says that because usually, Fanny is the stoic one, and I'm the one crying 98% of the time.

"Oh, shut up, jerk." My friend laughs.

"Let's let the doll rest, and we'll go clean your face," Matt says, holding his sister's hand to lead her to the door.

Fanny turns to look at me. "We'll be in the hallway if you need us."

I nod, watching as Fanny is taken away by her brother.

"Landon has been waiting to see you, I'll tell him to finally come in," she mentions just before leaving through the door with Matt.

I don't feel ready to face my brother, but I can't just avoid him after causing so much trouble due to my own weakness.

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