Episode 19

Landon Howland:

You only become aware of your mistakes when they mercilessly strike where it hurts most.

I almost lost my sister.

Dolly was on the brink of death, and there was nothing I could do to bring her back.

Only she could do it, only she could turn around the tragic end she had chosen on her own.

How desperate must you be to walk a path of no return towards death?

My sister attempted to take her life, and she would have succeeded if our parents hadn’t walked into her room that night to insist on their rejection of Stanford University.

She would be dead if our parents weren’t the control freaks they’ve always been.

They wanted to choose my sister's future as they had done with mine, but Dolly wouldn’t allow it and fought against mom and dad’s tyranny.

To hell with Stanford and their desires to control their children’s lives.

I should never have left my sister with them, especially knowing their unreasonable parenting methods.

I made another mistake when I ran away from her because my feelings terrified me, accepting an engagement I didn’t even want because the truth was much more frightening.

I had fallen in love with my sister and I was damn scared, scared by everything that feeling implies in our society.

What kind of sicko falls in love with his little sister? A sweet girl who smiles at life despite the blows and the pain she’s harbored in her small body.

I chose to live a lie because it was far easier than confronting reality, a reality in which I desired my sister.

So I accepted the proposal that Amy offered me, it had stopped mattering anyway. I would never be with the woman who made my heart race, so any other woman would serve as a cover to avoid discovery, to keep the world from uncovering my lie.

Society wasn’t ready to hear that a man had lost his heart to his sister.

Nor was I ready to accept it.

How could I?

She's family.

She's freaking 9 years younger.

But none of that mattered anymore, it couldn’t matter because I almost lost her forever despite my attempts to protect her.

To protect her from me.

I should never have strayed from her side.

—Cath woke up this morning and you still haven’t gone in to see her. What are you waiting for?

I look down to see my sister's best and I think only friend.

Dolly has more friends, many more, but Fanny is the only one who shows up when things get tough.

—I don’t want to overwhelm her with more visits in one day.—That’s my excuse.

Our parents weren’t supposed to come to see her, but the doctors contacted them first when Dolly woke up.

They took the chance to visit her while I was in the cafeteria.

I’ve spent the last few days at the hospital, waiting for her to open her eyes, staying in the waiting room, and eating whatever is in the vending machine.

I was fired from the law firm, and Amy called off our engagement, saying she wouldn’t be turned down a third time by the same man.

She must have guessed there wouldn’t be a wedding when my sister entered a coma due to a suicide attempt.

But despite losing everything I’ve built with years of effort in a three-month span, I don’t feel the weight of the loss. Instead, there’s a certain relief because all that is what my parents expected of me.

Becoming a lawyer and then advancing to a prosecutor? Those were dreams imposed by my parents.

Marrying Amy? Those were my mother's wishes, as well as her parents'.

I’ve been the perfect puppet to mom and dad, striving to be an adequate son to their high standards.

But then all that stopped mattering when I saw the light fade from my sister’s eyes.

I could live under our parents’ control, but I wouldn’t tolerate them doing the same to her, to Cath, to my Dolly.

My sister is a free spirit who can’t be caged by anyone’s selfish and unrealistic desires.

I gave them a first and last warning when I knew they mistreated her, I knew it from a hint given to me by the brother of Dolly’s best friend.

I thought they would be smarter and would stop the abuse.

They didn’t, and they pushed my sister to the edge of despair, choosing death as a way out to escape the pain.

I told myself they deserved to be locked up and punished for their actions, but I also told myself they are our parents and Dolly damn well loves them.

My sister wouldn’t have wanted anything bad to happen to mom and dad.

So before they continue to get into her head, making her feel less than loved, I will hold her in my arms and take her away from the cursed whispers carrying her name with disdain and malice.

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