Episode 2

Catherine Howland:

The first time my heart shattered wasn't precisely because I had fallen for my brother; it was rather due to Landon's decision to move into the university dorms, meaning I could no longer see him daily.

Ever since then, I feel like the wound in my chest hasn't properly healed, ripping open anew each time I hear his voice, or feel his hands on my head, stroking me when he visits, making me feel cherished.

I curl up in my bed, checking my phone when I see a message from him.

I couldn't see him earlier because my mother punished me after dinner; I didn't have an appetite, so I didn't eat much, which resulted in her making me wash and dry the dishes, then I had to do my homework, and only now have I had the chance to grab my phone.

Lan: Your birthday’s coming up. Be good and tell me what you want as a gift.

My heart races like a giddy fool, prompting a smile and a muffled squeal into my pillow.

I love him so much, so very much.

My love spills out from my tiny heart, inflicting small cuts that will ache in the long run.

Me: Hi :)

Me: Just saw your message.

Me: Answering your question, I don't really need anything, but there's a book signing by my favorite author. If you could take me, I'd be grateful for the rest of my life.

Lan: When’s the signing?

My heart skips a beat seeing him online, not expecting a prompt reply. We usually talk around ten at night, but now it's close to midnight.

Me: Hey! It's on my birthday, isn’t that perfect? My favorite author is on a signing tour in the city and will be around when I turn 15. I've always wanted to meet him in person, he’s written over 30 bestsellers. He's the best in his genre, although most of his other books are considered adult content, so I haven’t had the chance to read them yet. Do you think our parents would find out if I read them anyway? It’s just that they deal with heavier topics, like violence and human trafficking – It's not about sex! I would understand if they were, but they’re not. Anyway, mom and dad wouldn’t get it.

Lan: I’ll take you.

Lan: And Cath, you can read whatever you want. They can't dictate every second of your life; don’t let them or you’ll be finished.

Me: I know. ♡

Me: Mom and dad can be a bit intense.

Lan: Intense is an understatement.

That they are, but they're still our parents.

Mom and dad can't be perfect.

Me: Can I ask about Amy?

I want to delete the message a second after I send it. I've never asked him about his past girlfriends, but then again, I've never seen him so intrigued by someone before.

Lan: You’re already asking.

Me: You know what I'm trying to ask.

Lan: What about her?

Lan: Don’t you like her?

Me: Impossible! She's wonderful, so kind and gentle. She helped me with my shopping bags when we bumped into each other at the supermarket.

Lan: It’s good to know you two get along, would’ve been awkward otherwise.

Me: Why do you say that?

Lan: We started dating a few weeks ago.

My heart stops, as does my breathing and my blood flow.

Lan: We’re going to tell our parents after seeing how things go between us. So don’t say anything to mom and dad.

It was natural for it to happen; he had mentioned it to me multiple times since their first encounter. They shared that chemistry, that connection that lovers who end up spending their lives with their beloved have.

My eyes well up with unshed tears, pressing my phone to my chest as reading his message opens a fissure in my heart.

I need to find a way to piece together the fragments of my fragile, foolish heart.

Will it ever stop hurting?

I return to my phone screen when I hear another message come in.

Lan: Cath?

Me: I'm happy for you both!

Me: Sorry, I have to go. There's school tomorrow, and I promised Fanny I’d pick her up so we could go together. ♡

Me: Good night, Lan :)

Lan: Good night, dolly.

Dolly = Little doll. It's his nickname for me, because he says I am too small and cute, just like all the dolls I had as a child.

I set the phone beside my pillow, stifling a scream into it so as not to wake up mom and dad.

My heart aches, so much so that I would do anything to make it stop.