Episode 10

Catherine Howland:

I examine the ugly bruise that ornaments my left eye through my cellphone's front camera. Another one is closer to my mouth, but it's overshadowed by my split lip.

Last night, dad threatened to kick down the door if I didn't unlock it, so I did, I unlocked it, and he entered the bedroom.

He didn't even let me explain before he started hitting me, knocked me to the ground at the first punch, then landed a few kicks to my abdomen while swearing he'd kill me if he saw me with a girl.

I don’t like girls, but even if I did, it shouldn't be a problem for him.

Sexuality shouldn't be punished with violence.

My phone rings with another message from Landon, something I ignore because I'm angry with him for having such a bitchy girlfriend.

Dad and mom contacted the school to report my absence for the next few days, I don't know what kind of excuse they gave, but now I have some time for my wounds to start healing before having to show up.

My heart leaps out of my chest when the phone rings and vibrates with my brother's call.

I don't want to answer, but I don’t want to risk it and have him decide to visit.

I'd hate for Landon to get into an argument with dad after seeing me, and in the worst-case scenario, have some tragedy happen.

Dad is somewhat violent and has zero tolerance for insolence, I’m not saying Landon couldn't defend himself against him, but it’s dad, so there's not much we can do when you're not supposed to raise your hand against your parents.

"Hello," I answer the call.

"You left," he sounds annoyed. "Why?"

"I forgot I needed to finish a model for school and I had left it at home. Sorry, I forgot to mention it before I left," I lie.

"You've been ignoring my messages."

"I have my phone on silent, I didn't notice until it started vibrating with your call."

Landon says nothing for a few minutes.

Neither do I.

"Why do I feel like you're hiding something important from me?" Concern seeps through the anger still present in his voice.

"I'm not."

"What then?"

"I don't like her."

"Who?"

"Amy."

My heart pounds hard inside my chest, waiting for my brother’s response.

"Did she say or do something to hurt you?"

"No," I lie again.

There's another long silence before he speaks again.

"I’ll break up with her."

I bring my hand to my mouth to stifle my sob.

My heart trembles in pain and joy, I can’t believe the only person who chooses me above all else is the only person I’m not allowed to love.

He doesn't demand reasons or excuses, just hearing my wishes, even if they are selfish, is enough for him to act on them.

"Come back to me, Dolly," he requests. "I can pick you up if you ask, I'll help you finish the model you have pending."

I want to tell him yes, to come and get me, to take me away from here, but then he would see my battered face, and he would go insane.

"Fanny is helping me, there's no need for you to come," tears moisten my cheeks.

A knot forms in my throat, stifling my natural speech. I'm desperately, silently pleading that my brother won't notice.

"I'll see you next weekend," I say goodbye, needing to end the call or I'd break into tears any moment.

"Until next weekend," he sounds disappointed and unsatisfied.

The call ends and I then allow myself to cry my heart out.

Next weekend comes, but I don’t show up at the apartment, not for two months, by which time I’m completely healed, and without a single scratch.

I use the key Landon previously gave me to open his apartment door, on a Saturday, finally fulfilling the agreement he had made with mom to have me on weekends.

I sent him a text an hour ago to let him know I'm arriving, but he hasn't connected to read it.

I'm about to call him when my eyes land on a scene that stabs my heart.

Amy and Landon are asleep on the living room couch, with her on top of him.

Clothes are scattered across the floor, and the apartment smells of her perfume, her essence everywhere, assaulting my nostrils and wounding the heart that clings to an impossible love.

I smile at my naivety; it was logical, so obvious he wouldn’t do it.

No one breaks up with their girlfriend just because their sister is uncomfortable with her.

That doesn't happen in reality.

I leave the keys on the nearest piece of furniture and exit the place, making sure to close the door firmly so no one attempts to enter.

I won’t return here, not when it's been tainted with Amy's essence.

I tell myself that Landon has been tainted by her too, but it's much harder to try cutting contact with him.

My heart still clings tenaciously despite the damage it has taken. My foolish, foolish heart will lead me down a path of no return with its eternal persistence.

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