Catherine Howland:
[17 years old]
I tap my windowpane with the tip of my finger, observing a raindrop slide down among others that have drenched the glass.
It's the first rain of winter.
I smile as I watch the droplets merge just a moment before they reach the edge of the window—well, I attempt to, but I fail miserably.
Today, as is often the case, I'm in my room since I'm grounded, confined here because I've infuriated Mom and Dad.
They yelled a few things and took turns giving me a beating, but hey, I can't blame them because I just wrecked my future, or so they say.
Fanny: How did they take the news?
It still surprises me that my best friend is the one initiating conversation in our shared chat, but she's changed a lot since her parents died a couple of months ago.
Now she's even more protective and sweet with me, as if she were my big sister and I her little one, even though we are the same age.
Me: They’re not very happy with my decision.
Fanny: Well, that's their problem. It’s your life, they can't force you to choose a career you don't want.
Me: Maybe it was too drastic, it’s not every day you get to pass the Stanford entrance exam. It's an opportunity many would kill for and I'm flushing it down the drain.
Fanny: You don't want to study medicine and be a damn politician. You want to work at Nocturna publishing house and you don't need to spend the next four to six years studying on the other side of the world to do it. Your parents will have to get over it, they can't choose what you do with your life.
Fanny: Are you still planning to move out after your birthday?
Me: If I don’t, I'll be grounded in my room for the rest of my life.
Fanny: Did they hit you for turning down Stanford?
Me: I'm fine. ♡
Fanny: God, Cath. I want to kill your parents, they’re abusive idiots.
It wasn't long ago that I confessed to my friend the treatments Dad and Mom keep giving me, I had to tell her because I felt like I was falling into a bottomless pit.
Darkness was consuming every inch of my soul.
Me: Graduation is around the corner, after that I'll be saying goodbye to everyone :)
Fanny: Including your brother?
Me: Landon will have his own family soon, he won’t need me in his life.
My heart weeps at my assertion, but I try to ignore it.
Fanny: What about me? You can't just walk out of my life, gorgeous. You are my only real friend.
Me: You're not in the discard pile. I'll keep in touch with you, I promise. ♡
Fanny: It’s a promise.
Fanny: I have to go. I promised Matt to help with the house building and so far, I’ve done nothing but watch him do all the work.
After their parents' death, my friend and her brother decided to move to a plot of land in the middle of the forest to build their own house. They both have knowledge in construction from their parents’ teachings and from the work they continue doing in selling handcrafted items, using wood as the main product in their creation.
I exit the chat once I see Fanny disconnect and decide to enter the one I share with my brother to check the message he sent this morning, one I have been reluctant to read until now.
Lan: Mom wants me to make you see reason. It’s your life, but you’re throwing all their efforts away.
Me: Hello! Long time, I was wondering when you'd have time to talk :)
Me: I received your wedding invitation. The card is beautiful, I imagine Amy chose the design. ♡
My heart stops as I see him online.
Lan: Hi, Cath.
Me: Hi :)
Lan: Are you sure about rejecting Stanford?
Me: I already did. After graduation, I’ll start working at a friend of a friend’s dad’s book publishing house.
Me: I've always dreamed of working for Nocturna publishing and being in the hardcover section.
Lan: I thought you needed some kind of degree to get into publishing.
Me: Not when you have connections ;)
Me: Also, my academic record helped a lot to be considered. Did I mention I was chosen to give the valedictory speech for the last year? Only the student with the top final average gets to do it.
Lan: I didn’t know. Congratulations.
Me: Thanks. ♡
Me: Time to go, I have to sort some stuff in my room. Bye, brother.
Lan: Cath.
Me: Yes? :)
Lan: Never mind. Goodbye.
Me: Bye. ♡
I turn off my phone, clutching it to my chest as I try to calm the agony growing inside me.
Landon is still the attentive and understanding brother he's always been, but I feel a gap between us that wasn’t there before, he seems distant, though he remains as present as he can between work and preparations for his wedding with Amy.
Another type of pain afflicts my heart, a more damaging and irreversible one.
I tell myself that I need to stop this rollercoaster of emotions, I need to stop it somehow, but the only solution my mind serves up is something I try to avoid at all costs.
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