Episode 20

Catherine Howland:

I've been reflecting on my life, on the existence I almost cast away because pain had shrouded all the good in it.

I’ve pondered all the things I wished to do that I never achieved, held back by fear of my parents.

The doctor revealed that I had spent the past five months in a coma.

I knew I had lost excessive blood upon reaching the hospital, to the point where they needed to find blood donors. My parents matched, but they both declined to contribute.

The doctor didn't disclose this last piece.

It was Fanny who chose to be truthful with me. I’m thankful for her candor because I’m certain my brother would’ve kept it secret to spare me pain.

I also learned my blood type was exceedingly rare, so much so that not even Landon was a match for me. But there was one person who was.

Fanny's older brother had the same rare blood type as mine, which saved my life because he volunteered to donate.

I doubt Matt offered willingly; more likely, my friend coerced him, but that’s okay, I remain grateful for his lifesaving act.

I glance towards the door as someone enters the room, but it's not just someone; it’s my brother, with brown eyes and sandy blonde hair.

My heart flutters, and I need to remind it that we've moved past this. It shouldn't keep beating for him, not when I've resolved to cut him from my chest, the pain making peaceful living impossible.

"Hello, dolly.” His deep voice sparks an electric current through my body at all the vital points to send shivers down my spine.

I lick my dry lips, struggling to find my voice.

God, it shouldn't affect me so.

It’s not supposed to anymore.

But it does.

He still owns my body and soul, still has his hand on the tether that holds my heart captive.

I feel the urge to climb off the gurney and run into his arms since it seems like a very long time since I've seen him.

"Hello.” I greet him, with my voice strangely calm and soft, as if I'm not dying inside.

Landon steps closer to the gurney, pausing at my right side, his height forcing me to tilt my head up to keep eye contact.

I watch him survey my face, debating whether to touch me. I want him to, but I can't tell him that.

"I can't find the words to…” He stops mid-sentence.

He's wrestling with himself, working to articulate properly, but it’s Landon; my brother has never been good with words.

Fanny told me he was here the entire time I was comatose, unable to leave me, unable to return to his apartment while I lay here, a border dweller between life and death.

My brother waited, waited months to see me awake, yet he was the last to enter the room despite being just beyond the door.

"I ruined your engagement."

"It wasn’t important, the engagement, it never mattered; it was our parents' wish. You shouldn’t worry about Amy, she, like me, was just a puppet for her parents, with me for convenience, because it was easy."

"You don't love her?"

"I don’t."

"How can you be with someone you don't love?"

"You can't, you really can’t because it's bound to fail.” He continues, "So, it’s not your fault, it's mine. My engagement with Amy fell apart due to the absence of the most crucial element."

"Love.” I guess.

He nods. "Neither of us was in love, not her, not me. We were merely fulfilling our parents' dreams, as we've always done."

"What changed?" I'm curious.

"You." He answers, those brown eyes piercing into my soul, my heart, my mind, and every inch of my body. "You opened my eyes, dolly. I thought I was doing right, continuing the life chosen for me, but then I saw you here, on this gurney, eyes closed, unsure if I'd ever hear your voice again.

The world lost its significance because you weren't in it, not here to brighten it with your smile and your cheesy movies. Then I knew, dolly. I realized no matter how far you run from the truth, you can't run far enough before it catches up and hits you. And it bloody hurt, it tore at my heart and I never want to feel that again, don't want to regret everything I never did because I was too damn scared."

My heart beats for him, shedding the weight of the pain, letting it fall away with the lost blood when I heard my mind’s demons. Now the pulse is new, different, more beautiful and uncontrollable.

Because I agree with my brother, because I understand precisely what he's saying.

"I'm tired too, Lan." I keep my gaze locked on his warm brown eyes, igniting a fire within me. "Tired of hiding, of regretting because I was terrified of the consequences.

No more.

I won’t continue treating my heart like a vile, sick fool for falling in love with my brother.

That ends here, no more.

I’m weary of fighting against my feelings because I know they will never manage to forget him.

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