NINETEEN

Should I call or should I not?

Should I visit her place or should I not?

Shall I wait for her to call me first or I shall be the one calling?

Must I ask her out now or not yet?

Is this the time for this already? Or I should probably let things loosen up for the mean time?

God help me! I am very much nervous.

I don't know what to do or how to deal with this.

I do feel so awkward, and dumb, and feels like a fool.

I am currently feeling so many butterflies on my stomach and I can't stop smiling!

I feel like I'm somehow losing it.. or I already did. I don't know anymore!

She really gave me a shock on what she did that night but still she ran off when I'm already taken in, ugh!

But I know her, and that attitude of hers never did change.

She is always up front, irritable, and frank, but whenever we kiss she always end up running away from me just like back then.

Well, somehow, this time is different.

She did not curse me or yell at me.

She just ran off quietly as she blushed.

Unlike before when I kissed her (even though it is a good bye kiss 'cause I thought I won't be able to see her again and 'cause I was only thinking of a way to make her realize my feelings for her - the real ones) she pushed me and cursed me.

Also kicked and stomped on me as she yelled to never let her see my face ever again.

But who knows that she missed me more than I did? She even talks on the lake about me. How adorable her hobby is, especially her mannerisms.

Back then she used to tell me every little thing that happened or the thing she observed. Little did I know that one of our special place (the lake) was the one to accompany her whenever she feels alone and is her source of comfort.

When we were kids, I still remember how we run around the lake and also the park fronting the cinema's.

Her boyish character really suits her best and her cheeky personality really drawn me deep into her.

She is the very definition of natural.

Except for her twisted mind and her being a homosexual.

I do not have any disgusts or hatred towards homosexual people. I just want her to notice me as someone with the opposite sex, not just her boy best friend and neighbor - even as a kid ('cause I like her a lot).

I used to believe she isn't homosexual to begin with but maybe it is just my righteousness kicking in.

No matter what her character is, she is still the Yana I know.

Yea, right. My Yanny.

There are times like this when I remember our bonds before and how we spent our days which makes me very happy and hyped up.

I know I might be having false hope now for thinking that we are possible to be a couple nor to have even a small chance of us being together, but what can I do? I can't help it. Besides I think there's a tiny bit of hope which I can hold onto.

I am very much confused myself as well about my feelings, especially with hers.

I do not have the slightest idea on what she thinks of me, on how she feels about me, on how she want to spend her days, and/or on how she sees her future.

What I know is I'm going to stick my nose in the place it doesn't belong once again - but this time I will not retreat half way.

I know I am forcing my feelings into a place unsure about the pay back, whether it is mutual or not, and if it is something to push for that is worth fighting.

What ever happened will stay in my memory and will remain until the day I die.

So I will do everything to fulfill the gap between us and also to be able to remove the awkwardness between the two of us.

Because I know that this time, I will not let her go.

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