Hate Is Heavy, Let It Go...

Chapter 4

I saw a form board in front of me. And on that.. I saw me! I saw my childhood pictures when I was young pinned on it,, all with him!!! John was in every picture.. IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! BULLSHIT! He knew me since childhood?!!

"'Hey Cass...."

I abruptly turned my face at the sound when I saw him standing on the door.

He turned pale.His shoulders hunched together like he was trying to disappear inside himself. Even his dark eyes seemed to be attempting to retreat inside his head. He was startled like a deer in the woods, almost toppling as he took a large step backwards. The coffee cups dropped from his hands on the floor, falling into pieces ,making the only sound in the space. He was still as a statue with his face stuck in an incredulous expression as if his brain was desperately scrambling to make sense of it all but still unable to comprehend what had just occurred!

For the next few moments which surrounded us like the hours of time, no word was uttered. We shared un blinked looks and there was me then.. dashed to him like a lost puppy.

"What the hell is that! Tell me! You've known me since CHILDHOOD!" I was gone insane. I was screaming at him hysterically and my tears were made into my facecloth. "TELL ME! Why aren't you saying anything! Please..Ple..!" My screams soon became my heavy sobs and now my whole body was covered in blazing tears.

JOHN'S POINT OF VIEW

She was standing right in front of my eyes with the ocean of her tears falling. OH.. WHAT SHOULD I SAY?! How will I be able to tell her! OH GOD!! PLEASE HELP! Why the hell did I take her here?!CURSE ME!! I heard her heavy sobs die into heavy breaths and then she whispered something extremely terrible to my ears!

"I wanna die! Kill me! Please.. kill me.."

In my fury, I immediately pinned her to the wall behind with her little small hands in mine on either side of her head and caging her from all the surroundings other than me. She lifted and fixed her blue eyes on me. I could see in her eyes.. a heavy blue, one to love and the other to lose. She was the only person I cared about on this earth. HOW DARE SHE SAID THAT! I had almost lost her. I won't ever lose her now. EVER! I loved her so much. It was so hard for me to face her every day with a mask of not knowing her. I knew her more than she had ever known herself. That's because I was her fiancée!

I stepped closer to her and felt her uneven heavy breaths on my neck, as I towered over her short height. The way her breaths hit on my skin set my body on fire. She was so close to me and she was so irresistible! DAME IT! She was like the water.. that carried my reflection inside herself and slowly drowning me in her ocean deep blue eyes or like a wine.. which I could feel tickling down my throat as I swallowed every moment passing by. I got closer and closer until my lips reached her ears and with my lips nibbling the upper side of her ears ,whispered to her:

Cassie P.O.V

I could feel his wet lips, starving on my ears as he kept nibbling, making me breath in whimpers. Then he whispered ,

"I am sorry Bells... I am so so sorry. But you aren't in a state of being told anything. But I promise..."

His warm tears dropped on my right cheek as his mumbling continued,

"I promise, I'll tell you everything. BUT YOU'VE TO BE PATIENT. ANDD... You have to TRUST ME. Let it go.. just let it go for now.. please... don't hold anything bells. I know you can't control your feelings but.. anything you can't control teaches you to let it go.."

I heard his voice trembling and my cold unshed tears broke the bank of my eyes, dropped and mixed with his warm tear drop that was still intact with my pale skin,...running down my neck. He gently caressed my neck, removing my tears aside.

I still had my gaze fixed on him. His body was as still as a hunting dog. And as for me, my heart was burning with feelings that could be described in words. We seemed like strangers. He was just like a stranger who knew me too well, and me.. I was a stranger of my captivating existence. He was now silent but his eyes were speaking, and then I gathered some courage to speak up.

"John.. How strange is it, that after all that.., we are strangers again."

My word twitched up his ears and I felt as he gripped my hands more intensely for they were still pinned on the wall by his hands.

"You know nothing Bells. You lost your memories, O-o-Our precious memories.. You forgot everything.." Tears began running from his eyes down to my cold skin.

"Plea... Please don't hate me. I don't have the courage to face it. Bells...you have to let it go.. you'll never be able to fly to our past with the weight of hate on your wings. Hate is too heavy,.. Let it go.. please, just listen to me. Please give me some time. Please..."

He had sincerity in his eyes. I tumbled down my gaze and watched our mixed tears dropping on the ground from my cheeks. It's so hard... How am I supposed to let it go for now??? HOW?! I had known that he knew about me more than he told me but... I couldn't even imagine this! HE KNEW FROM SINCE WE BOTH WERE KIDS?! THAT'S TOO MUCH TO TAKE IN!!

But..at the same time... I wanted to trust him. I don't know why but my heart tells me to trust him. I looked him in the eye, filled with emotions that even I was unable to describe.. But he understood. He lost his grip from my hands. He removed my hair from my face to behind my ears. He gently caressed my cheeks and said,

"If you'll look to others for fulfillment, you will never be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on curiosity and answers, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the world belongs to you. You have my words Bells. I'll tell you everything when the time comes. Be patient and don't be too hard on yourself"

I took a deep sigh and let it out, throwing my breaths on his neck as he softly smiled at me in a way that reflected his pain, his urge to expose and to help me go away my worries. Okay It's gonna be okay. My heart whispered to me. I believe him.

I returned the smile to him that he deserved.

John's P.O.V

I saw a kind of satisfaction in the edge of her eyes. I saw a sweet smile on her tempting lips that calmed me down. The fires burning inside my chest were now cooling. I saw her and kept gazing at her blue ocean eyes that were too deep for me to resist. My sweet Bells.. MY QUEEN. I'll remove all the pains of your life. I'll do everything even if it costs my life. And that's a promise.

A noise diverted our attention and I heard the wind roaring outside. And I realized it's been two hours that we were standing against each other, oblivious to the surroundings.

"We must go inside.. I think the storm is coming." I grabbed her hand and took her out of that room. I knew she wouldn't refuse as I was fully aware of her storm fears. I paced up my walking making her move fast too and reached my room. I opened the door and let her inside.

She moved down on the sofa where she had previously been sitting. I sat on the bed in front of her. Cassie was grieved on the inside, but she believed that she had hid her sorrow from me. She was one of those people that anyone could read easily. I saw it in her eyes, her movements, her drooping posture. We were sharing unhidden looks at each other when I heard her tummy growling.

SHE IS HUNGRY.. AND... SHE HAS TO TAKE HER MEDICINES.. SHE IS UNWELL.SHIT! How can I forget?!

"Bells you're hungry. You must eat. "

"I don't want to.." She mumbled in her mouth.

"No.. you have to.. look I am your doctor and you have to listen to me. You have to eat or you'll become sick again."

"But you said earlier that you brought me here as a friend, remember JOHN?"

"Yeah and now I am saying that you have to eat".

I deepened my voice to show some anger and force. She was always stubborn even when we were children. And I always did this when she refused.

"What will you eat?" I asked her curtly.

"Nothing". Her voice was lifeless.

"Bells please.. you need to understand. You need to eat. I don't want you to lay in the asylum bed for another month. Please.." I let out a deep sigh, hoping she would understand.

She was quiet. No word was spoken. Then she opened her month to speak but lost the energy to mutter, and shut her lips again.

"We can go out.. if you like. You really loved Chinese foods. There is a restaurant near my house. We can go and eat there. Is it okay?"

She nodded hesitantly and my nerves calmed a bit. I moved towards the window and peeped outside to see if the roaring wind had turned into a storm or not. But fortunately, It was only roaring. Then I moved slowly towards her and lent out my hand for her to stand up. She looked up at it and reluctantly grabbed it. We walked out of my house and into the car and soon reached the splendid restaurant.

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