Chapter 1: The Question

"Wow, I'm so freaking tired... bakit ba kasi ako naglakad? Exercise kuno — putangina, anong naisip ko dun?" Sabi ko habang pumapasok ako sa hotel room ko at dumiretso sa ref para uminom ng tubig. I took a few gulps, then sighed. Too exhausted to eat, dumiretso na ako sa bathroom for a quick shower bago humilata sa kama.

Today was supposed to be an ordinary day, pero may isang tanong sa commercial na napanood ko na nagpatigil sa isip ko buong araw. "Are you happy with your life right now?" Tapos sinundan pa ng, "Do you feel content with your life na kung bigla kang mamatay at mag-flashback lahat ng memories mo, masasabi mong 'At least I accomplished something and I'll be remembered by people who love me.'"

Tangina. Sino bang magtatanong ng ganun? Ipapakita lang nila yung bagong cellphone nila may pa drama pa talaga sila. Akala ko simpleng tanong lang, pero hayup, ilang oras ko na siyang iniisip. It's 3 AM now and I'm still wide awake, my mind drowning in doubts. May nagawa ba talaga akong worth remembering? O isa lang akong tao na dumaan sa mundo na parang wala lang? My life felt like a cycle—work, eat, sleep—repeat. Walang remarkable, walang life-changing.

Napabuntong-hininga ako ulit. I grabbed my phone at nagpatugtog ng music para sana makatulog. I only have one song—Lana Del Rey's Put Me In A Movie. The haunting melody filled the room, and fuck, naramdaman ko na agad yung luha sa mata ko. I hate this. This song perfectly captures how I feel about my life—empty, repetitive, and meaningless.

"God... what the hell am I even doing with my life?" bulong ko sa sarili ko. Buong buhay ko, I've been chasing success. I always thought na as long as ako yung nasa taas, as long as ako yung pinakamarami ang pera, magiging masaya ako. But now that I’m here... bakit parang wala namang kwenta? I never had that many friends, I kept pushing people away because I was too focused on myself. People said I'm too greedy, too career-driven. And now, I’m realizing... they were right. I'm just a girl who built her life around achievements, pero walang totoong fulfillment.

Putangina, am I really just a hollow person pretending to be powerful? I thought I had it all, pero ngayon, I can barely hold on to what I have. I feel like I'm slipping. And the worst part? Wala akong maaalalang moment sa buhay ko na masasabi kong, "Shit, ang saya ko dito."

"Fuck this," I muttered. Tumayo ako at binuksan yung bintana ng balcony ko. I didn't even think twice. "PUTANGINA NIYO LAHAT! GAGAWIN KO NA LAHAT NG GUSTO KO, I SWEAR! HINDI KO NA KAYO PAPAKIALAMAN! FUCK YOU ALL!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, then biglang may sumigaw din sa baba.

"YOU GO, GIRL! BUT ALSO, SHUT UP! MAY BABY AKO DITO OH!" sigaw ng lalaking may kargang sanggol. OMG, stressed yung mukha ni Kuya parang wala pang tulog shet. Agad namang namula yung mukha ko sa hiya.

"OH MY GOD, SORRY!" pasigaw kong sagot, sabay sara ng bintana. Napahiga ako sa kama at tinatakpan ng unan ang mukha ko. "Tangina... ang cringe ko."

Pero deep down... I felt lighter. Maybe this is what I needed. Maybe it's time to stop living for achievements and start living for myself.

"Sana... magawa ko 'to," I whispered. "Sana, one day, masabi ko rin na masaya ako. Like, truly happy."

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