it's bullshit, what I am writing, dont read

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, most probably everything, what am I doing Rn, no idea, what I am supposed to do, no idea, I mean I wonder what the heck I am like this... what happened to me was not even that bad, why do I want to kms myself, honestly... it feels more like a need than a want, I don't want to,, but I have to, because I only cause trouble and pain to people around me, my friends, like the really close friends, I blocked them… But you know the irony, I find it hard to block or tell random people (whom I don't even know) to stop messaging me, or I don't like their behavior or its rude and also another thing I do, is being Hella rude to people for no reason (sometimes there is reason) I've gotten into many fights irl but when I need to fight with a creep or a stalker, I freeze, like why? Just why... it's so weird, I've no problem getting into fights with my seniors too but… Oh well whatever, I feel so guilty for blocking Shreya and others, but they are... I can't handle their emotions, Shreya, particularly she, she's... A good person, who cares a lot about me, too much if you ask me… She had so much trouble in her life, and I am so proud of her but when I see her breaking down over my things? And what I did... I feel so embarrassing, it's literally nothing, like she had worse and survived, so proud of her so why is she crying over my mess, it's disturbing to me to the fact I question her sincerity, maybe she is acting like this, so I don't feel bad? I hate it, why can't she just say it's okay, it's nothing much, that's what I want to hear, that's the truth, why can't she just say it, I feel suffocated talking to her, I blocked her, I still see that she calls me sometimes through truecaller, I am sorry, but I won't talk to you, you threatened me that you would kill yourself if I did something, the weight is too much for me... I promised you I won't try again, but it's too much now that even in the days I feel sad I have to put on a mask for you, so that you would be happy, Shreya, you deserve the truth, I can't give it to you, you are such a good person, but I am not, I apologize in silence because you will never hear This from my mouth. Please live a happy life, escape your family, live your dream, live somewhere away from human connection, build your own car from scratch like you wanted, have many pets as your family, grow your own food, live without any debts to repay, I'll wish for your happiness. I truly will.

today has been so useless, I have no idea what I am doing like usual, I know I told myself I'll try my best, but there is no energy to try, I stopped starving myself... I guess that's a win, but, honestly that's all, I sleep all day or watch some shows or study, I don't feel good at all, I feel like I am ignoring everything going on inside my mind and I came to the conclusion that I am… I am ignoring, I thought I was healing, getting better but the moment I stopped, gave myself time to think, everything fall apart, I was okay for a few days but I don't know, maybe I am okay now, or maybe I am not, I haven't cried, so maybe I am okay, Jason, oh dear Jason, I'll miss you, I will, I hope you are okay, I won't forget you, never, you've been so strong for so long, and you finally broke down… And I didn't even say goodbye… Maybe I should have but I was too afraid, that maybe it will truly be our last contact, that's scary, I hope to talk to you again, I'll pray to God you are okay, recovering, so... all I will say is "let's meet again" stay strong, believe in yourself, I believe in you, others do to, you were a great friend ^^

today was a bit empty honestly, I miss him... so bad, fuck me, honestly what the fuck is wrong with me, why am I like this..... all I do is burden him and now, that he wants to be free, I can't even do that properly, I hate being his ex, like.... there are only 2 options, be my nothing or be my everything, right now, I feel like I am in between, I don't care anymore or I care too much to forget, what the heck, I haven't cried like I thought I would, maybe cause I cried too much before? but strangely I feel very calm but I also feel like I am caught in a storm but the storm is so silent that it barely makes any movement but the impact is there, does it make sense? most probably not, idk how to explain, it's just is, I wonder what he calls being not honest? I wish he made me understand, I have no clue, it's my first time loving him, I hope he had told me how to love him and support him properly, I think I was honest? even if I told him late, I told him.... I was scared but I told him cause idk why, I felt bad for keeping it from him.. that day I had really broken down, it's okay, everything's okay... breath, breath, breath, breath, breath. well I wish.. I just wish, all I can do is wish, nothing else but wish, hope and pray, i saw his new gc, I want to join but I am scared, really scared, is it wrong to scared? or is it wrong to even think about joining it? I wonder what it is, I don't want to disturb him tho

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