don't read

ahhhhhhhhhhhhdbekzbwkslqbeidhekwksgxuwkbdislqlbshshgxhsuwneieopwnwvsyxiwpkq guxowmwbwiowbwhdidlwkwgdiwpnwgdoslwbdidknwueosnwyeowkevixoebwyxokenevdixosnwn fuck it, tomorrow's mom's birthday and I couldn't keep my mouth shut today!? fuckkkkkkkkk gotta do something now, and yk what my stupid mind thought of doing? completing a 30×40cm diamond painting, cause she likes it... there must be around atleast 1000 peices I need to stick by hand, I need it finished by Tomorrow.. more like tonight by 12, gotta buy a cake too.. so much trouble, like literally, out of everything, why did I think if this and now that I've thought of it, I gotta do, why do keep giving myself such thingsssss, sigh....

rn- 7:15pm... 5 hours to go… (it's impossible I think but trying! Definitely...)

How sad mom must have felt after hearing my words... she was just trying to help and got angry just because paints got mixed a little.... I literally live here without doing anything, they don't even hit me and take good care of me, why am I like this, I hate it...

It's 11:31pm, it got better with mom again, and I fucked it up again, I mean I gave my sister the Netflix password, and she was watching a show... I got scolded for giving it to her while her exams are going on.... what was I supposed to tell her? No? Why would I do that... IDK, it's a stupid argument, will I have finished almost half of the painting, I'll finish it all tonight and give it to her, I asked dad to buy a cake, so gonna celebrate at 12? idk, the mood isn't great but... it's her birthday? And there's a cake ready, we should celebrate right?

I remember in the past, I got angry on mom's birthday dinner, I don't remember why, I just got up and left, I think dad scolded me or maybe slapped me, I don't remember and after that, sister and mom came telling me to understand, that it's no big deal and I shouldn't act like this today and dad means "good" I don't remember what exactly happened, but I remember dad was annoyed, and I was right beside him, so he slapped me, I told them I will only eat if dad apologized, he didn't apologize, he told me I will apologize and then I said, go on, and he said I just did, I said when? he said- right now, I said "apology"

I don't know if it counts but little me was okay with that, so everything solved.

these months, I've been making dad sad a lot lately, I keep arguing and before dad used to talk back but now he stays silent, I feel so bad, so afterwards I just tell him I love him, that should do the trick right? I told him talking to him is useless if I have any problems and what not, I've told him everything you can think of, I don't know why, it just turns out like that.

I like dad a lot, he always takes my side and it hurts to see tears in his eyes but... I can't control the way I talk, it happens so fast that I don't give myself time to think, it just happens... does it even makes sense, haha, oh well, ig another apology dad won't hear from me, honestly... in real life I don't take accountability

it was a coping mechanism I created when mom used to scold me excessively, it was so I won't hear any of her words and I felt actually good that atleast I gave her actual reason to scold and me doing normal things that I like isn't bad but now I hate it, the way I speak without regards of anything

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