I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, most probably everything, what am I doing Rn, no idea, what I am supposed to do, no idea, I mean I wonder what the heck I am like this... what happened to me was not even that bad, why do I want to kms myself, honestly... it feels more like a need than a want, I don't want to,, but I have to, because I only cause trouble and pain to people around me, my friends, like the really close friends, I blocked them… But you know the irony, I find it hard to block or tell random people (whom I don't even know) to stop messaging me, or I don't like their behavior or its rude and also another thing I do, is being Hella rude to people for no reason (sometimes there is reason) I've gotten into many fights irl but when I need to fight with a creep or a stalker, I freeze, like why? Just why... it's so weird, I've no problem getting into fights with my seniors too but… Oh well whatever, I feel so guilty for blocking Shreya and others, but they are... I can't handle their emotions, Shreya, particularly she, she's... A good person, who cares a lot about me, too much if you ask me… She had so much trouble in her life, and I am so proud of her but when I see her breaking down over my things? And what I did... I feel so embarrassing, it's literally nothing, like she had worse and survived, so proud of her so why is she crying over my mess, it's disturbing to me to the fact I question her sincerity, maybe she is acting like this, so I don't feel bad? I hate it, why can't she just say it's okay, it's nothing much, that's what I want to hear, that's the truth, why can't she just say it, I feel suffocated talking to her, I blocked her, I still see that she calls me sometimes through truecaller, I am sorry, but I won't talk to you, you threatened me that you would kill yourself if I did something, the weight is too much for me... I promised you I won't try again, but it's too much now that even in the days I feel sad I have to put on a mask for you, so that you would be happy, Shreya, you deserve the truth, I can't give it to you, you are such a good person, but I am not, I apologize in silence because you will never hear This from my mouth. Please live a happy life, escape your family, live your dream, live somewhere away from human connection, build your own car from scratch like you wanted, have many pets as your family, grow your own food, live without any debts to repay, I'll wish for your happiness. I truly will.

today has been so useless, I have no idea what I am doing like usual, I know I told myself I'll try my best, but there is no energy to try, I stopped starving myself... I guess that's a win, but, honestly that's all, I sleep all day or watch some shows or study, I don't feel good at all, I feel like I am ignoring everything going on inside my mind and I came to the conclusion that I am… I am ignoring, I thought I was healing, getting better but the moment I stopped, gave myself time to think, everything fall apart, I was okay for a few days but I don't know, maybe I am okay now, or maybe I am not, I haven't cried, so maybe I am okay, Jason, oh dear Jason, I'll miss you, I will, I hope you are okay, I won't forget you, never, you've been so strong for so long, and you finally broke down… And I didn't even say goodbye… Maybe I should have but I was too afraid, that maybe it will truly be our last contact, that's scary, I hope to talk to you again, I'll pray to God you are okay, recovering, so... all I will say is "let's meet again" stay strong, believe in yourself, I believe in you, others do to, you were a great friend ^^

today was a bit empty honestly, I miss him... so bad, fuck me, honestly what the fuck is wrong with me, why am I like this..... all I do is burden him and now, that he wants to be free, I can't even do that properly, I hate being his ex, like.... there are only 2 options, be my nothing or be my everything, right now, I feel like I am in between, I don't care anymore or I care too much to forget, what the heck, I haven't cried like I thought I would, maybe cause I cried too much before? but strangely I feel very calm but I also feel like I am caught in a storm but the storm is so silent that it barely makes any movement but the impact is there, does it make sense? most probably not, idk how to explain, it's just is, I wonder what he calls being not honest? I wish he made me understand, I have no clue, it's my first time loving him, I hope he had told me how to love him and support him properly, I think I was honest? even if I told him late, I told him.... I was scared but I told him cause idk why, I felt bad for keeping it from him.. that day I had really broken down, it's okay, everything's okay... breath, breath, breath, breath, breath. well I wish.. I just wish, all I can do is wish, nothing else but wish, hope and pray, i saw his new gc, I want to join but I am scared, really scared, is it wrong to scared? or is it wrong to even think about joining it? I wonder what it is, I don't want to disturb him tho

idk, oh well... I am sorry mom, you won't hear this apology from my mouth but today, I am sorry for my behavior, I've never apologized to you right?, yeah I never will even if the guilt eats me alive, cause you never said sorry for the things you did, I was not angry… Maybe I was, I wanted you to look at me, not ignore me, not push me, I wish you didn't make me afraid of you, I wish you supported me, not in some massive way but just tapped my shoulders lightly, nothing else, I would be okay with just that, ig I am always scared, I don't know why I am a perfectionist, when I don't do anything good but even if someone touches one thing of mine, I lose my mind, I want everything to be in its best state, you helped with my drawing, I am grateful, but... you made such a mess, you weren't listening to what I was saying, ignored me, didn't see that I am trying my best, my best seemed like bare minimum to you, I got so so so scared, that you will remind again how much of a failure I am, so instead of waiting for you to say it first, I gave you an actual reason to call me ungrateful, so that I'll feel better about myself because I actually did something to make you call me that, it's okay if there is a reason right, I don't know if it makes sense, you were trying to help me with my drawing with Than… I don't know why I got angry at you, started shouting, oh well dad reminded me that I haven't proved any value in myself to be shouting at them when they pay for my life, that's so true but... that's true, there should be any but, I don't even want anything tho, even if they starve me I don't care, not buy me thing, it's okay, I don't understand what they are threatening me with, clothes they forced me to buy? They would be telling me they will stop my education, but I know they won't, there public image, they care too much about that to do anything, they won't let me sit at home, they would rather force me to take a stream I hate and send me somewhere far away so that they can show people how good of parents they are, mom, why are you like that? Why do you always tell me I can't do anything before I start something, I remember last year, I first got interested in Crochet, you told me I should give up when I mentioned it in front of you, but I still thought of trying, I picked it up the first time and was struggling, you told me that it's a waste of time, you can't teach pigs how to walk on 2 legs… So after that, I gave up, and you told me, I knew it you can't do anything, you can't put effort into anything you do… When this year, I picked it up again, did it all by myself without telling you and when you saw me make things, you said you are so good because you have me as your mother, I am your teacher... you tell relatives that you taught me? When? And when I told you, you can never be my teacher, you get angry? Like I said something wrong? Why? I don't understand you, I said it I'm such a peaceful way, no anger, just words, so why did you start scolding me? Whenever I start something new, you tell me I can't and when I give up, you say I was right and when I try again and do it, you say its cause of me, why? dang, I went too off-topic, well, I am sorry for today mom, I got angry when I shouldn't have, you were just tryna help, I feel so bad about it.

it makes me wonder, maybe I apologized to him so much because I barely apologize to anyone else? I didn't want him to experience the same way I that others, I feel sorry about everything, I just don't express as much but to him, I did express it, was that the problem?

ahhhhhhhhhhhhdbekzbwkslqbeidhekwksgxuwkbdislqlbshshgxhsuwneieopwnwvsyxiwpkq guxowmwbwiowbwhdidlwkwgdiwpnwgdoslwbdidknwueosnwyeowkevixoebwyxokenevdixosnwn fuck it, tomorrow's mom's birthday and I couldn't keep my mouth shut today!? fuckkkkkkkkk gotta do something now, and yk what my stupid mind thought of doing? completing a 30×40cm diamond painting, cause she likes it... there must be around atleast 1000 peices I need to stick by hand, I need it finished by Tomorrow.. more like tonight by 12, gotta buy a cake too.. so much trouble, like literally, out of everything, why did I think if this and now that I've thought of it, I gotta do, why do keep giving myself such thingsssss, sigh....

rn- 7:15pm... 5 hours to go… (it's impossible I think but trying! Definitely...)

How sad mom must have felt after hearing my words... she was just trying to help and got angry just because paints got mixed a little.... I literally live here without doing anything, they don't even hit me and take good care of me, why am I like this, I hate it...

It's 11:31pm, it got better with mom again, and I fucked it up again, I mean I gave my sister the Netflix password, and she was watching a show... I got scolded for giving it to her while her exams are going on.... what was I supposed to tell her? No? Why would I do that... IDK, it's a stupid argument, will I have finished almost half of the painting, I'll finish it all tonight and give it to her, I asked dad to buy a cake, so gonna celebrate at 12? idk, the mood isn't great but... it's her birthday? And there's a cake ready, we should celebrate right?

I remember in the past, I got angry on mom's birthday dinner, I don't remember why, I just got up and left, I think dad scolded me or maybe slapped me, I don't remember and after that, sister and mom came telling me to understand, that it's no big deal and I shouldn't act like this today and dad means "good" I don't remember what exactly happened, but I remember dad was annoyed, and I was right beside him, so he slapped me, I told them I will only eat if dad apologized, he didn't apologize, he told me I will apologize and then I said, go on, and he said I just did, I said when? he said- right now, I said "apology"

I don't know if it counts but little me was okay with that, so everything solved.

these months, I've been making dad sad a lot lately, I keep arguing and before dad used to talk back but now he stays silent, I feel so bad, so afterwards I just tell him I love him, that should do the trick right? I told him talking to him is useless if I have any problems and what not, I've told him everything you can think of, I don't know why, it just turns out like that.

I like dad a lot, he always takes my side and it hurts to see tears in his eyes but... I can't control the way I talk, it happens so fast that I don't give myself time to think, it just happens... does it even makes sense, haha, oh well, ig another apology dad won't hear from me, honestly... in real life I don't take accountability

it was a coping mechanism I created when mom used to scold me excessively, it was so I won't hear any of her words and I felt actually good that atleast I gave her actual reason to scold and me doing normal things that I like isn't bad but now I hate it, the way I speak without regards of anything