don't read

At first, I was losing my mind over my crush, then found out he likes me too, so I was losing my mind over my situationship? And after that I was losing my mine over my boyfriend, and now I am losing my mind over my ex... moral of the story, I am losing my mind, why the fuck do I even like him so much? Does it make sense? Why, like why? He even told me he had another gf, not sure if it's true, but it shows how desperate he is to break up, I don't respect his choices, it's his choice to break up, why did I have to start begging... like it's his decision, I should accept it, but why can't I? Respect is the most important in a relationship, I failed to give it properly, it doesn't explain anything that I was angry, scared or jealous, my words don't change, it makes sense why he wanted to break up, but... why do I still miss him, what do I even miss, I am not sure, he stopped telling me I love you, we were barely talking, what exactly do I miss? A version of him?

no, that can't be, I loved him whole, not just our happy version, I loved knowing things about him, I wanted him to tell me how to love him properly, to stay by his side during the hard times, I don't know, I've never done it before, I think I made too many mistakes in the process... I am sorry

What is love anyway? When did I realize I "love" him, I have no idea, it's been so long, why do I continue to do so?

Okay now I am suddenly so angry, I don't knowwwww, honestly I had no idea what I am doing rn, it's been a year like I ca't believe it and I STILL LIKE YOU, why? I want to stop thinking,, but I am not able to stop thinking, whyyyyyyyyyyy gosh loving you is so easy yet so hard, I fucking LOVE YOU... oh well me loving harder won't make him love me, it's no use UT I CAN'T CONTROL!? How am I supposed to control like why….

sigh, please be safe, healthy and happy my love, that's all I care about, I'll keep telling myself that, that's all there is....

I want to message you again... maybe in August, is that Okay? Please? I know I am pathetic, so please.

Like I am scrolling to forget things and the reel comes-turned 60 today, still remember that guy from 6th grade, it doesn't get better kiddos

like am I hopeless, like maybe that's me in future, ill be the cool single aunt while remember that fuckimg guy???? like if I move on, I feel like cheating on them (they are my ex now) and honestly I can't move on even after trying, I give up like what the hell, they keep popping on my mind, I don't want them too, when I am in public, talking, alone... I even had another dream about them, like come on, it's enough but the only thing I have going on for me is that I didn't cry after those first few days, it's his choice, decision, I should respect it, I say that, wash my eyes and continue but me thinking so much about him is also not respecting him right? like.... it's a double edgefld sword, I want to work on myself, to make sure I don't make the same type of mistakes, be more mindful of people and be more confident, k want to sHow him my best self but like I am so dn angry too, how can you not love me anymore!? like... idk... why can't you, I've nothing else to say...

yeah I basically have no idea

whatever maybe I am too free that's why I keep thinking like this, mom bought me back to reality... yeah so I don't know if its a problem but ig I don't cry in general now, the argument we had was pretty big, told her that it's her fault for having a child... that felt like a normal conversation, I don't feel anything about it, now we'll eat dinner together and everything's fine, mom's kinda overreacting but alright, I'll be the bigger person and let it be

nobody is worth it

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