don't read

Again no idea what's going on, the way things are now, I just want to... talk, and you actually answer my questions, why can't you, Is it that hard? Really? Why do you feel heartbroken when talking to me? What's the reason... why don't you say.

These feelings are never ending but one thing I know for sure, I'll ask... one day, if not this year, next year, if he doesn't answer I'll ask the year after that... I just want to know the truth, even if it's, I just suddenly stopped loving you, you felt annoying, I don't want to hear those words are things you are saying to get rid of me, I want to hear those things as honest words and feelings... where you calm down and just say the truth.

Nowadays, I've been sleeping way too much i usually 10 hours a day or more and one day I slept 6-7 hours, I had dark circles, does that make sense? I don't understand... I look like a squid, staring into your eyes, I've to start daily routine again, I've got 15 days till school starts, not much, but I've got to do it, I don't want to be both heartbroken and stupid, will definitely do good in exam, I promise you bastard, I promise, you hear me!

 more than once that I feel like it's no use doing anything and when mom mentions if I continue like this I'll get nowhere, I wonder if nowhere is that bad? Killing myself is always an option, it always is, the easiest route of all, so I'll do whatever's I want and if it doesn't work out, that's planB

Honestly life isn't as bad as I describe it, but it feels empty, there's no meaning and all the goals I had made for myself had a person behind them but with that gone its like, I am not sure anymore, should I continue on what I thought or do something entirely true, I am privileged enough to have multiple options, in all of my life choices, I have more than one options and I can't find the one I want, everything's good but, right now, I can't think properly, I don't know what's wrong, when it all started, I know what to do, how to do, how to find out which one is right, but I am afraid... afraid to take a step out of my little circle, it feels like leaving myself behind, I've made a circle for myself, in which I am comfortable, told myself it's everything I ever wanted, and I am afraid to find our otherwise, I am the one who had bounded myself in my supposed to be personality, and now I am afraid to act out of it, I don't know exactly what's wrong, I think I am more afraid to going out of the personality I deliberately made for myself rather than disappointing someone else because everyone around will probably like whoever I became, but will I accept myself? Will I be content? mom said she'll ask me in 10 years if I am happy with the choices I made now, honestly I am not sure, but nothings even fixed yet but whatever I do, atleast I won't ever blame anyone else even if I am starving, I'll be glad I didn't drag anyone else with me and in a sense, I feel freedom cause nobody is held responsible for me, it's me alone and my mistakes will truly be mine

it's refreshing to think that all my choices are mine, even I hate them, it's mine and I can change myself cause it's me.... it makes sense, right?

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