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idk, oh well... I am sorry mom, you won't hear this apology from my mouth but today, I am sorry for my behavior, I've never apologized to you right?, yeah I never will even if the guilt eats me alive, cause you never said sorry for the things you did, I was not angry… Maybe I was, I wanted you to look at me, not ignore me, not push me, I wish you didn't make me afraid of you, I wish you supported me, not in some massive way but just tapped my shoulders lightly, nothing else, I would be okay with just that, ig I am always scared, I don't know why I am a perfectionist, when I don't do anything good but even if someone touches one thing of mine, I lose my mind, I want everything to be in its best state, you helped with my drawing, I am grateful, but... you made such a mess, you weren't listening to what I was saying, ignored me, didn't see that I am trying my best, my best seemed like bare minimum to you, I got so so so scared, that you will remind again how much of a failure I am, so instead of waiting for you to say it first, I gave you an actual reason to call me ungrateful, so that I'll feel better about myself because I actually did something to make you call me that, it's okay if there is a reason right, I don't know if it makes sense, you were trying to help me with my drawing with Than… I don't know why I got angry at you, started shouting, oh well dad reminded me that I haven't proved any value in myself to be shouting at them when they pay for my life, that's so true but... that's true, there should be any but, I don't even want anything tho, even if they starve me I don't care, not buy me thing, it's okay, I don't understand what they are threatening me with, clothes they forced me to buy? They would be telling me they will stop my education, but I know they won't, there public image, they care too much about that to do anything, they won't let me sit at home, they would rather force me to take a stream I hate and send me somewhere far away so that they can show people how good of parents they are, mom, why are you like that? Why do you always tell me I can't do anything before I start something, I remember last year, I first got interested in Crochet, you told me I should give up when I mentioned it in front of you, but I still thought of trying, I picked it up the first time and was struggling, you told me that it's a waste of time, you can't teach pigs how to walk on 2 legs… So after that, I gave up, and you told me, I knew it you can't do anything, you can't put effort into anything you do… When this year, I picked it up again, did it all by myself without telling you and when you saw me make things, you said you are so good because you have me as your mother, I am your teacher... you tell relatives that you taught me? When? And when I told you, you can never be my teacher, you get angry? Like I said something wrong? Why? I don't understand you, I said it I'm such a peaceful way, no anger, just words, so why did you start scolding me? Whenever I start something new, you tell me I can't and when I give up, you say I was right and when I try again and do it, you say its cause of me, why? dang, I went too off-topic, well, I am sorry for today mom, I got angry when I shouldn't have, you were just tryna help, I feel so bad about it.

it makes me wonder, maybe I apologized to him so much because I barely apologize to anyone else? I didn't want him to experience the same way I that others, I feel sorry about everything, I just don't express as much but to him, I did express it, was that the problem?

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