Episode 19

"I confess that I had forgotten about that. But who would this person be?"

"My cousin, Guilherme. He has already graduated and is looking for a job. He’s very responsible, detail-oriented and punctual. I explained to him that I would talk to you."

"But, is he aware that he would only be covering you? Because I'm not giving up on you, Flavia. Unless you want to leave here."

"No, I don't want to." Flavia smiled. "And yes, he's aware. It would be a good experience for him."

"All right. Tell him to come here tomorrow; I want to meet him, and we'll arrange everything. Go to your exam without worry."

"Thank you."

As soon as Flavia left, I returned my attention to Saulo and took a deep breath.

"Starting the day with your mother and brother is too much punishment."

"You can say that again. Full schedule today?"

"Not really, but I have an important meeting with that supplier who traveled here just for that. Actually, it’s the most important appointment today."

"I just have two more contracts to review. I already did the most important thing, which was the videoconference, so I'm thinking of going home early, right after lunch."

"And what are you planning to do there?"

"Read a book?" Saulo snorted and rolled his eyes. He hated reading my novels, which is absurd. He only had the patience to read something if it was related to his profession.

"I'll let you work, and I'll go take care of my things."

"Okay."

After my friend left, I returned to my desk and immersed myself in the two contracts that I still had to review, as they were the longest. After a while, I finished, remembering Beatriz, and decided to call my sister, who had traveled after her cocktail party a few days ago.

"Remember you have a sister?"

"Don't be dramatic, my doll. You didn't call me after your cocktail party either, and you left right away."

"I’ve been caught up in fashion shows since I arrived. I was only able to answer you now because I stopped to eat something before another photoshoot, but know that I asked about you a lot to Saulo at the cocktail party. And he told me that you haven't been very keen on going out."

"Saulo, the gossip."

"He's not a gossip, he just worries like me. The best thing in the world was you leaving our mother's house, but you’re too lonely in that apartment, Caique."

"Don't worry about me, I'm fine and eating right. I just prefer to stay home and read some books than be around people."

"Don't lie to me, I know your voice."

"Go finish your food. I'm still here reviewing a contract. Love you."

"I love you too, you grumpy thing."

When I hung up the phone, I picked up my water bottle, and it was empty. I looked at the table where there were other water bottles and remembered my newest employee. I cursed myself again for being rude to him.

I went over there and got another bottle, drinking the water afterward. That reminded me that it was time to go to the bathroom before any accidents happened.

Over time, with medical help, I learned to know the exact times of day to empty my bladder and bowels. It was the biggest victory of all. I felt like garbage during the time I wore diapers.

In the fully adapted bathroom in my office, I relieved myself and washed my hands to return to work. There at my desk, I kept thinking about Saulo's words that I should go out and meet people, but I didn't want to.

When I woke up from my coma, I remembered everything Natanael, who was really called Joao Miguel, had done to me. I swore to myself that I didn't want anyone else in my life. But after much insistence from Saulo, when I was no longer wearing diapers and had regained some sensitivity and would get aroused, I decided to give myself a chance.

Not that I was a very sexually active man before, that didn’t happen much. The truth is that I only had two partners while my father was alive. After he died, so many responsibilities fell on my shoulders that I completely forgot about myself.

It was only when I met Joao Miguel that I decided to go ahead and screwed up.

But I was a man who liked sex, and I remember that when I saw that I could have an erection, it encouraged me and deluded me into thinking that everything could be as before, despite the circumstances. Except it wasn't like that.

I was humiliated twice, misunderstood and felt like half a man in the hands of two people I tried to have a relationship with. I wasn't in love, but I thought we could have some fun. But that didn't happen.

Tales didn't have the patience when he saw that during some of our encounters I couldn't maintain my erection. He had no patience for foreplay, to engage with me as much as I needed, and I didn't blame him. It was too difficult for someone who wasn’t in the same situation as me. I felt like a burden and I set him free from me. We were only together for three weeks.

With Julio, it was worse, he even had patience, but then I found out that he was just pretending because he wasn’t satisfied. So much so that he cheated on me openly during the three months we tried to be together. A friend of his sent me a picture of him with another guy, saying that he couldn't stand to see his friend stuck with me anymore since he clearly wasn’t happy. He broke up with me by text message, probably on the advice of his honest friend.

After that I gave up and decided not to try anymore. When the need came knocking, I would try to relieve myself. Coming was a generalized mess inside me. It felt like a volcano erupting from the inside out, when in fact I ejaculated very little.

My heart would race, my breathing would become erratic, and the little sensitivity I had gained allowed me to feel pleasure. It was a mixture of pain and pleasure.

Porn videos were a distraction, despite finding many of them silly and forced, but they were my stimulus. In conversations with my psychologist and my doctors, they all always said the same thing, that when one part of us wasn’t working well or not working at all, others took on even greater proportions in our perception.

They always tried to explain to me that penetration wasn’t everything, that there were many other forms of pleasure. That I would realize that looking, touching with my hands, with my mouth, tongue, smelling, receiving caresses, would arouse my pleasure. That all of this in me would be tripled because of my body that was adapting to my new condition. Did I believe in this? Never.

It was always difficult for me to accept everything. What I have come to believe since my accident are details of my treatment; things I was able to see and feel. Like regaining some sensitivity, even if very little, but enough to bring me some happiness. I did believe that, even though I wished it were much more. But to be told that even disabled I could have a fulfilling sex life, I never believed that. The proof were the people I got involved with, where I wasn’t man enough and it didn’t work out.

I swear I tried watching videos explaining it and all I could do was get more depressed. The truth was that even with all the struggle, my hope was fading year after year and today I find myself the way I am: alive, but anchored in my father's dream, the only thing that still makes me open my eyes every day. I don't really live for myself, that's the truth.

I sigh and decide to leave after all these thoughts. Today I really wasn’t having a good day and I already foresaw what was coming. When I was feeling this emotional, I knew that more tense days were coming, days when my depression was about to engulf me. I had no patience for people and ended up being indifferent without feeling it, as I had been with Fernando earlier. Tomorrow I still have to meet Flavia's cousin and I needed to be well for another day at work.

I turn off my computer and just as I'm putting some papers in my bag to take home, I hear a knock on my door and it’s Flavia again.

"Excuse me, Mr. Caique."

"You can come in, Flavia."

"Fernando wants to talk to you."

"Okay. Ask him to come in."

I see the young man enter a little embarrassed and I already think that my mother or brother did something to him again.

"What happened, Fernando? Did they mess with you again?"

"No, Mr. Caique. I made a mistake, I’m sorry."

"What was it?"

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