Episode 8

— Thank you, Flavia. These documents need to be authenticated, okay?

— Yes, Mr. Caique. I will have it taken care of.

— Has Saulo left the meeting yet?

— He left and said he was only going to grab a coffee and come here.

— Okay, thank you.

I watched my secretary leave my office, went over to the coffee table to get a cup for myself. As soon as I did, I spun my wheelchair around and headed to my large window to look at the view. I was feeling tired and was eager for another day to pass quickly.

I closed my eyes momentarily and took a deep breath. Then I looked at my hand and saw it was shaking a little. My anxiety was through the roof and my despondence was taking up more and more space within me.

Last month marked eight years since my accident. Eight years that

I had been in this wheelchair. Many things had changed over this

time, but despite some achievements, inertia had

dominated me.

My psychologist tried to pull me out of this depression, but nothing was capable

of it. I grew more sullen, despite achieving, despite fighting. My inner self

was dying, day by day.

What kept me going was this company. It was my father's dream that I

took care of and that over these years I only made to prosper even more,

consolidating its success.

I hear knocks on the door and soon Saulo enters with his usual smile.

This guy is my rock, the brother that not even my own blood brother has ever been to me. His support has been crucial all this time.

— Is everything okay? — he asks.

— Yes.

— Caique, lying to me?

— I'm not lying. I'm just here looking at the view, having a coffee and thinking. Eager to go home as well.

— We just started the day, Caique. Aren’t you going to your sister's cocktail party?

— No.

— Caique, this is the fourth party in less than two months that you're skipping.

I've been watching you. I no longer see the hope or the strength in your eyes that I saw since you started your treatment. Look at all that you've achieved, my friend!

— I know my achievements and I thank God for them. But it's me, Saulo. I don't want to. I feel good in my apartment.

— You're very alone in it. Even though it was infinitely better to move out of your mother's house, I worry about you being alone.

— Worry about what?

— Worry about you and your head. I'm not going to lie.

— Are you afraid I might do something silly?

— I am.

— I'm too cowardly for that, don't worry.

Saulo moves closer and pulls up a chair to sit in front of me.

— I'm not just afraid of you doing something silly. The way you already are scares me. You don’t go out, it's from home to work and vice versa. I rarely see you smile. When you do, it’s mechanical, out of politeness. Only with me and Beatriz does it seem more natural. You've also gotten thinner. You were so much stronger with the gym workouts, but even that you've stopped. Have you been eating properly?

— I have. When I don’t, I order from a restaurant. And as for the gym, I’ll go back at some point.

— You could do with a secretary at your house.

— I already have someone who cleans for me. I don’t want another person there. It’s my corner, my refuge.

— You know, I think you need to go out, meet someone, have fun.

— Forget about it, I don’t want to get involved with anyone.

— Don't judge everyone by the two idiots who didn’t know how to understand you.

— It’s easy to say, but I still have in my head the pitying look from one when I couldn’t get an erection and the messages showing me that the other was cheating on me. Sorry, I can attend all the parties in the world, but having someone else in my life, I don’t want by any means! I’m fed up, saturated, and just want to live in peace.

— Alright, I won’t insist on this topic anymore. — I run my hands over my face, exhausted.

— The problem isn’t you, it’s not the people, it’s not the company, nor this chair that has been my friend and companion, the problem is me. I fought, my friend, I won my independence as Dr. Henrique so often told me to do when I woke up from the coma. It's been four years since I've needed diapers or catheters. I have strength in my arms to move my chair. To switch from it to my bed or sofa, to cook. I can take a bath on my own, I've regained some sensitivity in my legs. Sometimes I have an erection, even though it doesn’t always work or sustain itself. And I cope better with the pain. But I can’t take it anymore. Even with everything, I can’t take it anymore. I feel as if I'm dissipating like smoke a little each day. It's a combination of things in my life, not just my accident, understand? And this accumulation suffocates me more and more each day.

— Don't talk like that, Caique. What tone is that?

— The tone of my reality.

— I don't want you giving up like this, are you listening to me? I forbid you! Where is the guy who never tired of the exercises? Where is the guy who came into this company head held high to command his empire again? Who stood up to his mother and decided to live on his own?

— It was the guy who, deep down, deep in his heart, waited for a miracle. But time proved that this miracle wouldn’t exist. As I said, I'm grateful to God for my achievements, but I die a little each day in this chair and even more so with everything I go through with my family. No matter what you say, what Patricia, my psychologist, says, the doctors, it doesn’t matter. My heart is tired. Saulo stood up and began to pace the room nervously. I hated to bring concern to him. I hated every hospitalization I’ve had so far due to complications, urinary tract infections, pneumonia among other things. Saulo always had a terrible fear. He ended up developing an aversion to hospitals and now I worried him again.

— I'm sorry for making you feel this way. I just decided to open my heart to you. I don't want to deceive you. I won't do anything stupid, rest easy about that.

— You’re already doing something stupid by giving up like this. Depression kills, Caique.

— I can't help it.

— Since when have you been like this? I've noticed you've been different, but I have no idea from when exactly. I always saw you in your down moments, but then you were there, smiling, talking to me and I thought it was just phases as the doctor had said. But it wasn’t, was it? You were just disguising it?

— It’s always been like this, but I clung to hope. Only, over time, I was no longer able to curb the sadness that overwhelmed me. It’s been much worse for about six months now. But, look, I just need to rest in my house. Morning is a new day and I’ll be here. — Saulo looked at me wounded.

— Don’t make what you’re feeling seem trivial just to comfort me. I’m your friend, damn it! I always deserve the truth.

— That's why I told you.

— And now you try to lighten it.

— Because there's nothing to be done.

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