Episode 16

DOMINIC,

I am resolved to change for her, to have her in my life, at least she’ll get the best of me, so she’ll never want to flee again. And if she does take flight, it's fine, I will pursue and bring her back home again, and again, but I'll double down on the security of the house, because if one day she escapes and someone harms her, I’ll never forgive myself.

I long to watch her leave again, and if she leaves, I'll dismiss everyone. Not a single staffer who aids her escape, even unwittingly, will I forgive.

After my bath, I lie beside her and sleep close. Her scent is so pleasing, her hair intoxicates and lulls me into a sleep I haven't known for ages.

And that's the life I want with her, always united, loving as if we were one. Now, all I need is for her to want to become one with me too, because the problem here is it seems I'm the only one wanting her, and she doesn't desire me, and this I must change, I must do everything for her to want me as deeply as I do her.

But in the morning, when I wake, I see that I haven’t had the same effect on her, as she's no longer here by my side, indicating she doesn't want to start a family with me. Even sleeping in the same room as me bothers her deeply, so much that she must get away from me.

However, this won't make me give up, I am not who I am today by surrendering my pursuits. She will become a passionate woman, and I know ours will be an intense relationship.

I rise and proceed with my hygiene, start coughing, and beneath the shower, I spit out phlegm mixed with blood.

"God, I know I've never been a good man, but if You let me live now, I swear to change, swear I'll be a new man, faithful to my wife, and will no longer mistreat anyone. If You do exist, save me from dying."

Exiting the shower, I change. As I'm leaving the room, I encounter her at the door of the room she was sleeping in.

I face her gravely. I truly want her to sleep here with me, but I crave her voluntary presence, I will no longer force anything upon her.

I cough slightly, and the taste of blood hits my mouth. I exit hurriedly, heading straight for the office.

I lock the door to prevent her from coming in.

I call my doctor and recount what happened, he says he's on his way, but I insist on going to him.

He responds: "Okay," puzzled, as I dislike going there. I don't want Allana to see the doctor visiting.

I rush out, without a glance at anyone, get into my car and drive to the clinic.

Parking the car, I rush up to his office.

Immediately, he tells me to sit on the exam table and to remove my shirt.

He uses the stethoscope, moving from one side to the other.

"I need to get a chest X-ray, your lung is wheezing."

"This again, doctor? I've been taking the medication, I do the inhalation, what more must I do to not die?"

"Calm down, Mr. Bernardes, we’ll check your lungs and I’ll advise the best treatment."

Taking a deep, weary breath, I'm already tired of all this.

I go for the X-ray, a true nuisance.

Returning to the doctor, on his computer screen I see:

"Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD)"

What is this now?

"Look, sir, we must begin a stringent treatment. Your lung is significantly compromised, you tire easily."

"I've even stopped going to the company, I only go once a month, and only a few things tire me out."

"You shall be hospitalized today for observation, and we’ll start treatment to clean out your lung, or it could get worse."

"I need to notify my wife, I'll return tomorrow and stay for observation."

"Call her, Mr. Bernardes, I can't release you like this."

"She's deaf, doctor. I promise to return tomorrow early."

"We need to address this quickly, sir..."

"I'll come."

"Sir, do not engage in any strenuous activity..."

Before he can continue, insisting that staying is vital or I might die, I rise and leave his office.

How will I tell Allana?

She’s likely going to say:

"Now you die because I won't help you anymore."

I imagine this in the beautiful voice of my streetwise girl.

I get in my car and head back home.

Upon arrival, she seems to be waiting for me, or so I think.

I go straight to the bedroom, and as I’m removing my clothes to rid myself of the hospital smell, she enters.

She inquires what happened. I can't tell her my condition; it would be admitting weakness, and she might stay with me out of pity, which I hate.

I say all is well, grab my pajamas, and take another shower.

When I emerge, she awaits on the bed. Is she truly worried about me?

She asks if I am okay, and I simply affirm, lying down and pulling her to bed with me, to sleep embraced.

But I awaken very early, needing to inhale her scent, unsure how long I'll be hospitalized, but needing her to stay and wait for me.

I do my morning routine, dress, and leave a note for her. I want to come back strong, whole for you, my beautiful.

I exit the room and head straight to the doctor’s office.

There, he directs me to the hospital to start treatment.

I undergo various tests, the same ones from all my childhood.

Then I'm taken to a room for observation, they administer medication and I'm put on oxygen.

I didn't realize I was this bad, I didn't feel sick enough to go through all this.

Night falls, and here I still am, and the doctor comes in with ominous news.

"Mr. Bernardes, the findings aren't good; we have to put you on the transplant list. Unfortunately, your lungs won't last more than two months."

"So my days are numbered?" I ask, heavy-hearted. Will I leave Allana alone, how do I tell her what I'm going through? If I say I'm dying, will she be saddened or jump for joy?

Given how I've treated her from the start, the latter seems more likely.

"I'm sorry, we must await a donor match, you need a new lung."

I give a faint smile, rising from the bed.

"You can’t leave, sir, you must wait here in the hospital."

"I’ve got two months to live, doctor, and I won't waste them here, at least not until I rectify a situation I created."

"What do you mean?"

"That’s private, none of your business."

I rush to the bathroom, tear off that despised hospital gown, so enraged I am. I was set on changing for her, and now I have to let her go because of this illness.

Now, wanting someone by my side, I'm forced to leave her without making her feel what I feel for her.

I quickly change and vanish from the hospital; if they find a new lung, let them call. I won’t die here; I’ll spend my last days ensuring Allana loves me, or at least has some affection for me.

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