Episode 15

ALLANA

He must be mad. I won't let him hurt me again. My answer is no, but he doesn't listen. It's as if I hadn't said anything at all. Then why did he ask if he was going to abuse me again? What's the point of asking if he can continue if he wasn't going to accept my answer anyway?

Or did he think I'd consent just because my body responded to his touch? My body is defiant. It doesn't understand what my mind rejects. Even though my body suffered at his hands, it melted for him as soon as he caressed me.

The battle between body and mind is incessant, but my body often wins out, since the sensations he elicits are so extreme, sensations that are entirely new to me I'm experiencing now.

He enters me, and this time it doesn't hurt. He's not being violent, he's taking it slow. This strange new sensation. Maybe with another man, I would feel good. But not with him, with him I can't muster the desire to be here, to be with him. This torments me.

Actually, it torments my mind, because my body is utterly surrendered to him. The struggle between body and mind continues, and I try as hard as possible to justify my mind, because my body is already lost. It is a natural traitor.

I scowl in anger, at him as well as at my betraying body. I'm enjoying this, and it’s entirely wrong of me. I will punish my body as soon as it's over. I won't let it be at his mercy in this way. He can't perceive that he's dominating me like this.

Even though I'm enjoying it, I won't show him. I will wound his ego, leave him on the ground; maybe then he will leave me in peace and go back to his escapades, give me a divorce, set me free, and stop these abuses.

When he finishes, I really liked all the new sensations he made me feel. Perhaps if he'd done it like this the first time, I would have fallen in love with him.

But his mistake was violating my body for the second time after all. I said he couldn’t continue, and yet he went ahead without my consent.

"You can get off me now."

He looks at me, smoking with rage. He thought I'd die of love for him now, haha, not in another life, cursed devil.

He flips me roughly and enters me all at once, pulling my body back, and where my body betrays me again because it feels even better than before, and I don’t even know why, now that he's being rough again.

I hope he has another respiratory crisis here. I'll leave and he can die there in the bed alone.

I wish I were mute at this moment. I put my mouth to the pillow, but he pulls my hair, knowing I'm moaning; my throat burns, and I know he's enjoying it since his movements are becoming more frantic.

I feel pleasure taking over my body again, and I quake entirely.

I lie down, extracting myself from him, and he releases my hand.

I feel his sweaty body against my back, he kisses my neck and gets up heading for the bathroom.

I sit up, running my hand over my face, what was that?

Ah, I'll flagellate my whole body, betraying body. It's not enough for just my mind to think no, my body has to help too.

I wrap myself in a sheet and go to the bath, the sticky mess is starting to run down my legs. I enter my room, going straight to the bathroom to wash.

I scrub hard, punishing my body for having accepted this.

I didn't tell him to stop once, now I regret having done that.

I don't want to feel anything for him, not even attraction, even though he is as handsome and appealing as he is.

I must be strong; I must put my plan into action. I need to get out of here, far away, where he can never find me.

I finish my shower, and step out. I put on my sleeping pajamas, and before lying down, he appears at the door.

He's holding a handful of papers, and on them, it reads:

"I apologize for what I did to you."

"I apologize for abusing your body on our first night."

"I want to change for you."

"Help me change?"

"I want to win your heart, because you've already won mine."

"Teach me to love you as you deserve."

"Sleep with me?"

Isn't that sweet, he's enamored.

He flips through the sheets one by one, and I realize that if I want to get out of here, I'll have to pretend he can win me over.

Feign being in love even.

And when he least expects it, I'll kick him out, leave him in the dirt, just like he left me when he abused me.

"I'll give you just one chance. Step out of line with me, and I'll vanish from your life."

He smiles and nods at me. He walks over and closes the distance in a kiss.

I kiss him back with the force of my anger, prepping myself to leave here and try out to be a soap opera actress.

He breaks the kiss and smiles, taking my hand and leading me to his bedroom. He lies down, pulling me along.

I turn my back on him, and he wraps his arms around me, we fall asleep spooning.

I wake up in the morning, and his arm is over me. I gently remove it and head to the bathroom.

I take care of my hygiene, then go to my room to change.

When I'm done, I leave the room, and there he is, his arms crossed and gazing at me.

"What's wrong?"

He shakes his head and places a hand on his face. Great, the devil's gone crazy.

He passes by without a backward glance.

I told you he's mad.

He heads straight for the office, doesn't even eat breakfast. I go straight to eat.

I keep looking back to see if he comes, nothing, until he walks straight from the office to the exit door. I stand and go to the door to see what's happening.

He gets in the car and drives off in a hurry.

What's happening with him?

He's gone all day, doesn't come home, and it leaves me a bit worried, I don't know why, I shouldn't be worried about him.

Silly as always...

The night falls, and that's when he returns, his face weary. He just looks at me and heads upstairs.

I find it odd and follow him. Entering the bedroom, he's undressing to shower.

"What happened???"

He turns and looks at me, just shaking his head and a weak smile on his lips.

He heads to the bathroom in his underwear, and I sit on the bed.

I pick up his clothes and sniff for a woman's scent, find none besides his woody cologne.

I place them back where they were, pretending I hadn't touched them.

I wait here until he comes out of the bathroom, in pajamas already. I stand and approach him.