Episode 20

Sophia

I smile at Adrian's jokes.

I reach for my phone as it vibrates in my pocket.

"Again?" he asks.

I shake my head as I text the idiot to leave me alone. It's my first day off, and yes, I miss Mia, but I also miss talking to other people.

"Forget it, they'll manage without me."

"You must be the best nanny ever."

"I am."

"Are you saving money for school?" he asks Adrian while signaling to a friend to serve us another beer.

I don't answer right away because I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. In mafia families, women have always had a clear role; to be a wife and mother. But talking to Adrian made me realize I had more possibilities than I thought. I'm an adult, dad's not here, and I can make my own decisions. The problem is that I still haven't figured out what I want to do with my life.

"I don't know, for now, I'm enjoying taking care of Mia."

"Living in the moment and not stressing about the future is wise."

I nod with a smile, hoping it is.

"How are your classes going?"

He sighs and takes a big sip of his beer before answering: "Exam period. It's been... hard, but I think I've managed so far."

I watch Adrian talk and decide he's a handsome guy. Tall, not as much as him, but who is. He has dark eyes and brown hair. So far, he's been kind and attentive. The perfect man, and I'm not attracted to him.

I'm an idiot.

I thought making smart decisions would be easier, but here I am on a first date with a nice guy, and I can't stop thinking about him. That damn kiss. I have to get it out of my head. I have to overwrite it with new memories. I know I can do it.

"Are you okay?" he asks, distracting me.

"I think so, I want some fresh air."

"Let's go outside, it's pretty crowded today."

I follow Adrian to the exit.

"I'm glad you accepted my invitation," he says once we're outside.

"I'm glad too."

"You're beautiful, Sophia, and I won't lie, I don't want to be just a friend to you."

"You don't?" I ask with a smile, maybe this is exactly what I need. One nail drives out another, right?

"No, I want to be more than that."

He hugs me and I lean into him looking for the same feeling that I found in Gabriel's arms, but of course, things are not that simple.

There's nothing, not a spark, not a jolt of warmth, nothing.

I press closer to Adrian, desperate to feel something. I stand on my tiptoes and he holds my face gently in his hands, as if I were a damn doll, and kisses me slowly, sweetly, and precisely, not trying to dominate the kiss, and I'm hating it.

I want roughness, I want warmth, I want everything I had when I kissed Gabriel.

I pull away, feeling disappointed and angry with myself, but I decide not to give up. Maybe judging a man by one kiss isn't smart. Maybe I need many more.

I force a smile to kiss him again, but that's when I see him.

Gabriel. Walking toward us with a gun in his hand.

Shit.

"Could you get me some water? I don't feel well," I quickly ask Adrian.

"Sure, I'll be right back," he says and walks back into the pub.

Gabriel passes by me, not giving me a glance, and follows Adrian. I grab his arm with all my strength.

"Don't you dare."

"He kissed you."

"Yes, I know he did, but I wanted it."

He looks at me, his eyes filled with violence. "You have no idea what you want."

"Of course, I do, right now I want him alive," I add. "So put the gun away before someone calls the cops," I say, looking around.

"The police won't do anything, this is my territory."

"Don't hurt him, Gabriel, I'm asking you. Don't."

He laughs humorlessly. "You think I care what you want?"

An icy chill runs through me. "Of course you don't care, you've made that clear many times."

"Soph, let's go home and we can talk."

I shake my head. "I don't want to talk to you ever again. You had four months to talk, now you're going to listen. Leave me alone."

"I'm not leaving," he replies, grabbing my arms. "Also, I can't leave you alone with a stranger."

"That stranger's name is Adrian, he's my friend, and I like being with him. Besides, I'm an adult, and if I want to start a relationship with him or anyone else, it's my problem."

"You're an adult, but you're not free."

"If you're talking about Mia..."

"I'm not talking about Mia, and you know it," he interrupts.

I rub my temples as I start to feel a headache coming on. Such a way to send mixed signals.

"I don't understand you, Gabriel."

"Neither do I," he replies.

I look into his beautiful eyes, trying to read his thoughts, but I can't. And I don't even know if I want to try.

"Are you okay?" Adrian asks, looking at Gabriel. "Was this guy bothering you?" he says, handing me a bottle of water.

"No, it's okay. He's my boss," I introduce him.

"Any problems?" Adrian asks, concerned.

"None," I reply.

"Yes, Mia needs you," Gabriel interrupts.

"Mia is with Anna."

"She's with me," he says, pointing to a car across the street.

"Did you leave the baby alone in the car?" I ask in disbelief at his irresponsibility.

I don't wait for an answer and run to the car. When I arrive, I see that Mia is crying, but when she sees me, she starts to reach out her little arms toward me.

I unbuckle the seatbelt, which thankfully hasn't strangled her, and take her in my arms.

I turn around, furious. "You're an idiot!" I yell. "They could have stolen the car or Mia; she could have suffocated." Tears fall from my eyes.

"I didn't know."

"You don't know anything, Gabriel, that's the damn problem. You don't know how to be a father, you don't know how to respect my privacy and my space. If it weren't for Mia, I would quit right now," I say as I kiss Mia's cheek.

"Soph..."

"Shut up, I don't want to hear from you right now."

"Do you want us to call social services?" Adrian asks, looking at Gabriel with renewed hostility.

"Stay out of this," Gabriel orders with his Capo's voice, one that makes anyone back down, and Adrian is no exception.

"Don't worry," I say, calming down. "I need to leave with Mia, I'll call you later."

"Are you sure?" he asks, hesitating and still watching Gabriel.

"Yes."

Adrian says goodbye like the gentleman he is, and I'm left alone with the idiot who doesn't know what to say to me.

I open the back door of the car and get in with Mia in my arms. It's not the safest, but it's better than putting her in front with a seatbelt that could strangle her.

Gabriel starts the car and merges into traffic without saying anything. Better for him because I'm so angry I could kill him right now.

Why did Anna leave Mia with him? I know he's her father, but he's the last person I would trust with the little girl.

"Ma ma," says Mia, and my body freezes. "Ma ma ma."

"Did she just say mama?" Gabriel asks, as stunned as I am.

"Mama ma mama," she continues to babble.

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm not your mom, I'm Sophia," I explain while I can't stop crying. Mia has said her first word.

"Ma ma mama," she insists.

"Oh, my precious one, I'm not your mother."

"You're the closest thing she has to a mother," says Gabriel.

"Damn it. I didn't want... the child can't believe I'm her mother, I'm just her nanny. At some point, I'll have to leave... I don't want her to suffer because of me."

Mia keeps babbling the word mama while sucking on my chin, making me feel worse.

"You have to get married. Mia needs to have a family."

"Excuse me?"

"Are you deaf or what? Mia has the right to have a family, to have a mother, siblings, she has already lost so much, you can't also deprive her of that right."

"I won't remarry," he mutters.

"Well, don't get married, but you should commit to a kind woman who can learn to love Mia. Please, she deserves it."

"No."

"I understand that if you loved your wife it might be hard to start over..."

"I didn't love her," he interrupts. "That's the problem, I didn't love her and I can never love anyone."

"I don't understand."

"I don't feel like others do. I don't feel empathy when I'm torturing someone, I don't feel remorse, which is good for the business. I can't feel."

"You can't feel love?"

"No."

"And Mia?"

Gabriel looks at us in the rearview mirror. "I'll take care of her, but I can't offer her anything more than that."

"But she's your daughter," I counter.

"I know, but I can't change who I am," he whispers after a few minutes.

I hug Mia tighter and kiss the top of her head, needing to find a little warmth as Gabriel's confession has chilled me tot he bone.

I think of dad and my heart breaks realizing Mia will never know parental love. I swear right then that as long as I am by her side, I will give her all the love I have because she deserves nothing less.

I look at Gabriel and my heart breaks a little more. Living like that must be so lonely. I want to hug him, too, just like I do with Mia, but I know I mustn't. I wish I could save them both, but some people are beyond redemption.

Maybe Gabriel is one of them.

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