3: Game On

Last time I wrote for hours about what happened to my friend Yinnie, so that's what I talked to my therapist about. She asked me if I was scared to make another friend because I lost the only friend I had, I told her no one would want to be my friend anyway. She asked why, I said there were a lot of reasons. She asked what those reasons were, and I said I wasn't sure. I know I was being difficult but I really don't know what everyone hates about me, maybe I'm just too quiet or wear too much black? In other news, I can shower again. I think my hair has some damage to it or something though, it's basically a rat's nest I wear on my head at this point. My therapist told me to tell her why I think people would be reluctant to talk to me in our next session. I think I figured out the reason today.

It was English class, and my teacher decided we were going to do another dreaded group project. Well, I'm the only one who dreads group projects, the rest of the class was ecstatic to be working with their friends, it sucks when you don't have any anymore. Teachers usually throw me in some random group only for them to be so disappointed they have to work with me. I always beg the teacher to just let me work alone but I knew that wouldn't work this time, I already tried that in this class. Last time my English teacher told me I needed to learn teamwork skills since they would help me in a future job, but I don't know who he's kidding, high school is nothing like real life. After everyone found their group I went up to the teacher and told him I had no one to work with, everyone else was in neat pairs of two, I had hope that he wouldn't throw me into some other group because three people for one group would be unfair to all the others. Instead he told some guy named Raz that he couldn't work with some guy named Adrian because the last time they didn't get anything done. He told Adrian to work with some kid who wasn't here today, and told Raz to work with me. "Why don't you work with Camora?" are words I absolutely hate to hear, so I'm already not in the mood for this. Once I got a good look at my partner I realized who he was, Raz is the guy Ayesha was cheating with yesterday.

Okay...awkward. He loudly sighed and complained to his friend that he would have to work with "the emo", the feeling was mutual. Then Raz did something I wasn't expecting, he loudly asked the class if anyone knew what my name was. Everyone stayed silent, of course they didn't know what my name was, who actually pays attention during attendance? But it felt weird having everyone look at me with confused expressions wondering how long I had been in this class without them noticing my presence. Then he said that he didn't wanna work with me, the teacher told him he had to and he threw even more of a fit. It was just...awkward and embarrassing, like he wanted to intimidate me. Worst thing was, it kind of worked, I never once spoke or dared to stand up for myself, just kinda sat there looking at the floor. The whole time we worked on this stupid Shakespeare project he talked over me and kept acting like none of my ideas were good, like nothing I said mattered. I offered to do the poster since I knew I would get a horrible mark if I let him do it, and he made me show him some of my art to PROVE that I was good at it!!! And then he still insulted my art, he said it was so black and depressing, he said it looked like something out of a psych ward. I thought about not doing the poster at all to get back at him but since the project is a shared mark, my grades would also suffer from his terrible art skills. So I did the poster, it almost felt like admitting defeat. I was infuriated when I left that class, that was so embarrassing, it was so weird, why would anyone do that to another human being??? I pulled up the photo of Ayesha cheating with him. Ayesha would break apart from whatever they're doing now if she knew that someone saw her. That wouldn't be good for Raz, obviously he's helping Ayesha cheat because he wants to move up the ranks, I didn't know his name when I first saw him but I would if he was Ayesha's boyfriend. If he were to somehow...see that picture, if he were to know that someone saw what he did, maybe he would get knocked straight off his high horse. No, that wouldn't work, he would just keep that to himself, that wouldn’t hurt as much as Ayesha knowing. Yeah, if both Ayesha and him were to receive the picture they would both be put on edge, they both wouldn't be on their game anymore. But then I thought no, no I can't go around messing with the queen bees of the school, I'll get myself stung. Then I realized what I did back in English class, I led everyone to believe I was weak. I sat silently and took every harsh word he threw at me, that's not the type of person that would mess with him. He would never believe it was me. Someone like me would never dare to do such a thing, they would think someone more bold or more popular was doing it to try and steal their place at the top. This was scary, and a lot could go wrong, but I decided right then that this was the plan. My school has two printers, one in the office and one in the photography classroom, luckily for me, I have photography this semester. I can't print anything at home because well...we don't have a printer, but people go to the photography room all the time to print photos for various school projects. I told my photography teacher I had a poster I was making for English class and I needed to use the printer to print it out, instead my very nervous very shaky hands sent the photos of Ayesha cheating to the printer and then I guarded the printer to make sure no one would accidentally stumble upon these photos, that would ruin my anonymous identity. When the photos finished printing I quickly shoved them into the pocket of my jeans, and at the end of photography class I moved them onto the shelf at the top of my locker. Now obviously I wasn't going to put these pictures into their lockers where anyone could see me do such a thing, so I waited until everyone went home for the day. I told any teachers that questioned why I was sticking around that I was getting my stuff for music club, music club is pretty much the only non sports related club that runs after school hours. After I scanned the hallway and saw zero teachers, I quickly slipped a photo into Raz's locker and then Ayesha's locker. Then I got my bag and ran down the stairs hoping I was only home from school a little later than usual. I knew the "I was at music club" excuse wouldn't work on my mom because I'm not allowed to go to any after school clubs. So instead I decided I would say my teacher kept me late to discuss something. Sure, that would mean me getting in trouble but it's all worth it to get back at the people who've hurt me. My mom was very upset when I came home late, she probably had a bad day at work because her hair was frizzy, she was sweating and she looked more upset than she would usually be about me coming home late. She asked me where I'd been and I looked shamefully at the floor and told her a teacher had kept me after school. She asked why, and I already had a pretty good excuse. My teachers often commented on my hygiene so I told her it was about that. She knew that was partially her fault so she calmed down a bit and stopped being as mad at me, just told me to spend a little more time in the morning to "make myself look more presentable". I left her alone after that and just went upstairs. So about what I learned, and what I'm going to tell my therapist... I'm not sure what to tell her. I learnt that teenagers think everything is a joke until it's not, until it's tainted by something that personally affects them. Making fun of me for being a loner with a questionable fashion sense was funny but it's not going to be quite as funny now that the girl he's cheating with is mad at him. I learnt that I can change people, I can change the way they think and the way they feel, I can alter them if I alter their surroundings. What I really learnt is I have a lot more power than I thought I did, being a nobody has granted me the anonymity I need to change things.

Now what do I tell my therapist? I'll say something about what Raz said about me...maybe a little bit about how I feel better now that I have control over the people who hurt me.

Ooh, writing that sounded really bad, I won't tell her that, I can't change anything about this school from the goddamn psych ward.

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