2: The Mural, The Scandal & My Bestest Friend

I saw my therapist last Friday and she said the diary was really helpful for the both of us, it gave me things to talk about and it helped her to figure out what's wrong with me, I guess.

I got to work on my mural today. I never talked about my mural to my therapist before but maybe I should. It's a small corner of the school my art teacher allowed me to paint at the end of my freshman year, I think she felt bad because I spent all my lunches in the art room and clearly didn't have any friends anymore, but regardless I paint over it every year and redo it, it's like the one part of the school that belongs to me. Anyway I painted it white again at the beginning of the year and now I've started painting a swamp. Last year I heard people complain that my mural looked like a leftover Halloween decoration so this year I'm trying to do less bats and spider webs. I only got to blocking the colors today, I guess I'll start adding details tomorrow. As I was working on my mural I heard a lot of giggling followed by a lot of shushing coming from a little indent in the hallway that led to a closet. I was curious what was happening so I peaked out from the corner I was painting my mural on and stepped carefully through the hallway until I could spot who was in that little indent. I saw Ayesha with some boy, I don't know who he is but I know he wasn't her boyfriend. I don't care much about school drama but it was just weird. Yes, popular people at our school have scandals all the time but not Ayesha Denitcha, she's always said she's above it all, her friends fight and she just laughs at them, like she's a god among men. The thing about Ayesha is she isn't the typical Regina George or Heather Chandler, she wears jeans to make it look like she's not trying as hard, she wears sweaters over her crop-tops so it doesn't look like she's flaunting how skinny she is. And the main difference is, she doesn't get in trouble, she isn't mean. Well, she isn't mean in the way you'd expect her to be. She gives "advice", like "you'd be so much prettier if you put a little concealer on those eye bags" or "try using more skincare products, they'll really help with your acne"

It's bullying disguised behind a layer of "I'm just helping!!" Once she told me if I tried wearing more colors maybe guys would notice me instead of mistaking me for a shadow. I like black, so what? I don't want a guy who doesn't get that anyway. In fact, I don't want a guy at all, they're too much work. But imagine if my lack of a boyfriend was my biggest insecurity? That's what she does, she finds out your biggest insecurity and comments on it like it's nothing, like she's too godly to have any of her own. She destroys people that way, like my friend, Yinnie. Yinnie was my friend at the very beginning of freshman year, before I had started my mural. We had the same art class but she was more into acting than visual arts. We used to talk about making a movie, not a school film but a movie, a real one you'd see in the theatres. She loved to act and I loved to tell stories so I'd tell her all about my idea for a horror movie, I called it "Trapped". Yinnie would have played as the scared mother, the victim. Of course Yinnie took drama class and auditioned for the school musical, she couldn't sing at all but still managed to get a part. She worried she wouldn't get into the musical because of her speech impediment, she slurred her words and had a stutter. I told her she had all the raw talent and ambition in the world, and that's what really matters. She got the part and she was ecstatic, coincidentally, Ayesha tried out for the same role but did not get the part. Only year twelves were allowed to have the main role in any play, despite that Ayesha still wanted that role, but she settled for a very likeable side character, the same character Yinnie had dreamed of playing. Me and Yinnie had a sleepover and went over her lines for ages. I was happy to help her, and I thought it was funny that I was playing all the other characters for her, I switched into different accents for each one, I even did Mickey Mouse for one of them, only Yinnie could make me do stupid things like that. Ayesha went up to Yinnie during rehearsal one day and said she was glad Yinnie had gotten the part. She said she was glad the school was giving special treatment to the less fortunate, and that a couple of years ago a "special needs" person would never have gotten a role over a popular girl, she said she was so glad this school was so progressive. Yinnie told me what Ayesha said and asked me if they only cast her for the part to look progressive and charitable. I asked her if her drama teacher liked her, she said yes, I told her art teachers only like kids who take art seriously, so why would a drama teacher like her? She said it must be because she takes acting seriously. I then asked her what makes a good actor, she said you have to really know your character and what they think like, you have to know how they feel and how they express that. I told her that's exactly what she spent the sleepover with me doing, practicing and getting into character. I think I made her feel a bit better. I hope I made her feel a bit better. I was with her on the opening night of the play, talking to her as she got into costume, then I took my seat in the auditorium. The play took longer than expected to start, and when it did start, Ayesha was playing the part Yinnie was supposed to be playing. I instantly knew Ayesha had done something, but I was more concerned about what happened to Yinnie. I checked backstage and I couldn't find her, I checked everywhere in the auditorium, then I checked the school. Eventually I texted her and she told me she never wanted to show her face at school again. I pushed her to tell me what happened and she finally did. Ayesha went up to her backstage and wished her good luck, that's when Yinnie exploded at her and yelled that she got the part because of her talent and not because the school wanted to look charitable. Ayesha asked her why they put “Ayesha” on the casting list if Yinnie was meant to have the part, Yinnie said that her name was on the casting list. Ayesha showed her a version of the casting list that had her name attached to the character Yinnie was supposed to be playing, but Yinnie refused. She said that Ayesha obviously made this up and printed out a version of the list with her name on it to get under her skin. Ayesha asked "What about the email, then?", Yinnie asked her what email she was talking about. Ayesha said there was an email open on the play organizer's computer. Yinnie said she didn't believe her, but she checked anyway, and there it was. The version of the casting list without her on it, being emailed to the principal for approval.

As Yinnie read the email, Ayesha crouched down to her level and told Yinnie she was so glad she got this opportunity to be a star, since real directors don't cast people who have... difficulty reading their lines. Being an actor was all Yinnie dreamed about, and her speech impediment was her biggest insecurity, the fact that her speech impediment meant she could never be an actor destroyed her. She said she was mad at me for lying to her, she thought I only said she was an amazing actor to humor her. Then…she moved away. I miss my friend Yinnie and I hate Ayesha for convincing her she was nothing when she was clearly everything. I don't care if she was only given that role in the play to make the school look kind and charitable, she deserved it because of her talent. There have been so many stories like Yinnie's, stories of lives destroyed thanks to Ayesha. That's why no one dares to mess with her, but I wish someone would. Maybe if someone took her off her throne she would learn what it's like to be us.

That's why when I saw her kissing someone who wasn't her boyfriend, I took a picture. I don't dare to mess with her, I really shouldn't get involved with people like her, but it's comforting to know I have something on her.

Maybe she isn't as perfect as she pretends to be.

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