Past

I don't know myself now. What I have evolved, I won't lie but I never thought that I'll be like this. The one who likes to drive in at 7:30 in the morning only to accidentally see her as she goes to her work and then read the textbooks I wait to see her again as she runs for her class at 10 am and I realize that I have to go to the library now for another 2 hours and then to go on a second building of our university to eat lunch as I continue looking her eating and talking to her coworker from the windows and after this, at 2 pm I take the bus she takes home just to look at her back for 40 minutes at stare as she goes out and sometimes I have opportunity to see the fix he hair, or put some jacket on, remove her jacket or whatever she has on top, or put her headphones on, or run to a car when its raining or snowing sometimes. Sometimes she has a shift in the afternoon but she will be at university at 10 am no matter what and leaves for her home at 8 pm.

If I ever confirm those - my routine past 8 months they will call me a stalker but no I’m not- not her stalker and yes she has one but not me and before someone will ask me “then how do you know” I heard her tell her friends accidentally as I planned to walk behind her in one spring day at the city square, and since that day I have undercover tried to keep her safe.

Here I’m waiting for her to come to the bus stop. I keep checking the time over and over when all of sudden the bus come and I panicked not to see her but she was already inside and someone pulled me out of the bus stop and I missed going inside.

“Peter, what the… what are you doing here.” I didn’t expect to see him here not after I wasn’t picking up his calls.

“You need to stop this”

“ Stop what.” I pretend that I didn’t know what he is saying.

“You following her anywhere from the far, you know that this is stalking if you like her tell her if you continue like this your mind end in jail” actually what he said makes sense but I have been so careful to not te as suspected for over 6 months now bye including 2 months summer break she has been home.

“ I don’t like her. I… I just want to make sure she is fine I only care for her as you do care for Jeanette, same as you walk her to my apartment at 11 pm.” And that pisses me off because she may be my sister but she is not his cousin, she is that much stranger to him as her to me.

“We both know you are lying and not only to me but to yourself Jeannett is my cousin and if I walk her to your house I will be walking next to her not behind as you do then speed up when she felt someone trying to keep with her steps, Rowan you are obsessed with her”

“I'm not obsessed with her I'm not stalling her I LIKE HER A LOT,” I yelled at him in the middle of the bus stop then I turned around and walked to my parked car.

“Give me the keys I drive.” I threw my keys at him. “Do you still want to follow her?” I stared at him and then looked at my watch. “Enough with the question and start driving I'm late.” I don't know why I yelled at him, it's not his fault, but he has no right to stop me be near her.

“I’m sorry I didn't- I didn't know any other way to talk to you because you are nowhere to be found.”

“If you only had more time to look at others just like how you look at her you will be able to see me only a few miles away from you... “Is not only me who is “stalling” a girl” I interrupt his words as I show the way on the map.

“How do you know it did Lydia threaded you too.” So she has found faster than expected.

“No, I always have been careful how did you find out.”

“I feel this strange feeling and started following you...” From the way, he started to talk I recognize his lies. “Go straight to the point.”

“Jeannett asked to find the girl that you have fallen for.” She has to ask the wrong guy to go undercover. “I can't believe even she has realized that you are in love and I didn't.” Yeah, even I didn't know that I was so deep in love with her till at this moment.

“Peter-” I yelled at him as I turned the wheel.”I didn't say to follow the bus but to go to this destination you fool now we have to go on the old ride” I just fixed my car.

“Sorry I thought you want to follow her.” He laughed like a fool. “Look at the bright part we are in the same way you can still peek at her,” I swear that he is in my last neurons.

“I won't say any words till we are there so try to take a nap on the way.” That is something hard to believe, I can't believe that comes from his mouth. But yes that was true, he was driving so carefully and the music in the car was calm that I almost fell asleep but I saw her coming down from the bus and she runs to her family car. Yeah, I possess all her routines and I know enough of her that now she is safer than ever, but I wasn't fully awake to recognize that Peter has stopped the car and is about 10 km away at the converse store. I don't know how I saw her that clearly because my head is hurting as if I fell and hurt it. I can't see or hear anything I need air, fresh air. I open the window and I breathe, my head still hurts I don't know how I fell asleep, time must have been now 8 40 PM she is safer now than when I followed her, she is home. Now we need to leave grandmother is waiting for me, she must have been worried that we are late.

I don't know what I'd ever speculate.

“Do you want to eat or drink water?” Peter is standing at the car door with a bag full of stuff.

“Water and we should probably leave now.” he gives me water and jumps in.

“Here I brought you some food you should eat.” I’m starving and I only realize it now. “Sleep some more I wake you when we arrive.” He kept driving and his mouth shut up it was so quiet that I sleep all the way. I don't know what I dream but I swear I saw my mom, she was cuddling me. I miss her it has been 18 years since she left. Somehow in that dream, I was again an 8-year-old boy napping on her lap as she pats my hair, and she... She is... “ Rowan wakes up.” someone is calling me. “Come on son wake up.” This voice is grandma.

“I saw her,” I said as soon as I open my eyes.” Grandma, she was in my dream, I dream of her.” she was rubbing my back, and I realize that I’m in my room at my grandparent’s house. “You faint as soon as you came out of the car.” Did I? “ You shouldn't let that Peter drive he is a terrible driver...”

“Grandma I’m fine, I had an awful week but I promise I'm fine now”. I didn't know that I can faint, not this easy.

“I'm going to beat him, all those years and he still doesn't know how to drive.”She put me aside for her and she was going to beat him.

“Grandmother, Rowan has fallen in love.” Jeannette, I should tell her. “Have you fallen for a girl, she isn't lying to save his ***.” She rushes to me. “Yes grandma, and I just realized on the way here that I have fallen for her and my love story should be confessed by me” Jeannette left from room running.

“It doesn't matter if you tell me or her I know your mom is happy for you just as I'm for you, now wake up, and let's eat” she pulled me out of bed. “It doesn't mean because she is dead and is her dead adversary we don't have to be sad we have to continue living and loving as long as your heart beats.” She was right. I have to confess to her before I lose her just like my mother. She never heard someone confess their love to her. After dinner, I have fallen asleep again and saw my mother hugging me and she put someone's hand on my hand, “ Take good care of her and yourself.” I woke up and I cry my eyes out all night long.

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