Gloomy Years " 2014 - 2017 "

I entered a new world where I was always despised and no way for come back, just to stop the pain inside of me, all the ways I did were to stop it, even though it was only for a moment but the cost to pay was quite expensive, once every 2 weeks I paid a little well, but about 2,4 million plus overtime, work overtime from 7 pm to 7 am for one week. The payday just stopped by, damn it. The Money was gone that much last night, regular meet made me join the party and each was also alcohol, drugs were scattered in the meeting area, we spent the whole night drinking without any interruptions. Marijuana, Koplo pills, ecstasy became a mandatory choice for us, I also participated in the regular entrance fee is quite expensive around 1.7 million, from there I know the people who gave me ecstasy, I subscribed to him for that long, from the first I got free, the second day I get a 50℅ discount and the third day onwards I pay in full. If my alcohol is picky, I prefer whiskey with an alcohol level of 25℅, other than that I don't drink, understand that I don't really like alcohol because I think alcohol only makes my stomach bloated but to get the effect of the fly it's long. I'm more inclined to drugs than alcohol, 500 thousand for 30 items and that's a weekly fee, sometimes up to 1.2 million only take to buy goods pills with guaranteed quality.

Maybe because of that effect, I have no fear, I don't recommend you to looking for same experiences like me, you will be entangled with me, addicted and you will lose your hard work. The proof is that is me, at my job, im a professional operator and concurrently a production machine setting craftsman, I am also always a mainstay of my manager, but all of that is threatened and I was forced to stop.

Since when my sister knew that I was an addict, I was kicked out of my sister's house, in fact she asked me to stay and now I'm forced to leave. I still keep that grudge, until whenever I remember, because after being kicked out, my life is a fucking mess, I can't get rid of the drugs, when my big sister's  knew, I was got abused, but I still received it because I was wrong, she which is a trigger for me to stop taking drugs, but yeaahh, the name is already addictive it must be difficult.

My days, there got worse, I always wanted drugs, every night I was in the bathroom carrying a razor blade and I turned on my music until dawn, I slashed my left arm to stop the tightness in my chest, every night I did it for 1 year, when the wound was dry I sliced ​​even deeper, I sliced ​​even deeper. I'm crying, I'm disappointed and blaming God, I hope to die right now.

It crossed  in my mind to kill myself, I drank about 50 ecstasy pills and hope I died but instead I was hospitalized because of a heavy overdose, I was treated for a week, no one visited me, only a friend who I thought was my own brother, he always takes care of me in there. But I disappointed him until finally he might get tired and leaving me alone.

I was arrested by the police during an ordinary party outside the regular area and the result was that I was with 12 other people trapped and taken to the police station, I was examined until I undressed and the result was negative so I became a user, I was picked up by my big sister's, she was the most nagging and he also hired a lawyer and for the sake of my freedom, she was willing to spend a lot of money even though I was told to change (-_-). I was in prison one night after that I came out of the police station, I was still under police surveillance, every day my big sister's went back to the police station to make a report on me. I was rehabilitated for 2 months, I was locked up in my room and feels like I was living in hell, my appetite for drugs was getting bigger but I couldn't get the stuff, I was screaming every night, I was thinner, every morning and evening I was forced to drink medicine given by the police. I feel like I want to hurry and die, but my big sisters knows maybe, the sweetie in my room is just a mattress with nothing, every time I don't want to eat, I get hit so hard to bruise my body, every day I also cry.

Finally I recovered and I was able to get out of the room after a long time, before I came out the police came to check on me and make sure I was completely clean of drugs. I came out of my room helped by my niece, 2 months I did not bathe and breathe a fresh air and sunbathing. I was free from drugs and I was forced to return to Java.

I go home as a former addict and my name was really bad at that time, my father was disappointed, he seemed angry but he tried to hide his anger, he knew what my character was like, I'm not the type of person who is always angry but if I talk about sensitive things I can desperate, I do not see anyone I will fight them.

The most vulnerable times in my life was passed like walking through in hell. You want to call me a rubbish, I am indeed a rubbish, you want to be deemed me despicable, I am indeed despicable and even more despicable than animals, you want to think of me whatever I am. I'm a hopeless, weak bastard.

I even give up when there are others who suffer more trying to get out of the pit of pain, while I can only be stay quiet, I hate my weaknesses.

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