INTRODUCING

This is the life story of a man who has never felt true happiness like that of others feels, story of 'I' means to refer to the story of the author, who is none other than me.

I was born in a small village in the beautiful hills, I lived and raised in a very simple house with bamboo walls that has been made similar to a board, my father is Javanese and my mother is Sumatra, here is the most beautiful story in my life, they always take care of me, always give me anything, even though Im not asking, all the beautiful things ends when I was a kid moved to Java, from here at first I did not know the internal problems of my family, well I entered elementary school in age 5 years old and I'm the smallest kid among the other students, many say I'm 'tuyul', the nickname until now there are still calling me tuyul.

Elementary school for me is just filling the time, I used to love reading, whatever I read except lessons, well I'm not good at any subject, but I was always interested in English. My daily life is just after school, in the afternoon as well as school, instead of studying but I do a lot of learning through self-taught, I'm sure without any help I can be myself, my dreams are much, one of them is I want to be happy with my mom and be the proudest child, I also want to have a younger sibling which in my mind is there that cab makes me excited and can be a good brother. After graduating from elementary school and madrasa, I was told to go to the cottage or school here, in Java, I certainly chose a school because as long as I knew that the boarding school had no time to have fun, I enrolled myself in my favorite junior high school in my village, after helping grandmother selling cookies, I took 1.500 rupiahs of money only to go alone to register to state junior high school which their said was a favorite school, my brother, his aunt's son he came home and he went with aunt to register for the junior high school, I only brought money 1,500, which 1000 for public transportation costs, 500 of which I use to buy some snacks, I see the others in the same tow with their mom while I'm alone, I don't know what I feel but I try to pretend I'm not sad in public, so if I look sad when I see the happiness of others I think is a weakness boy, you know for yourself that school life is cruel to those who can't adapt, at first I also thought that even though I was in the middle of a relationship n somehow I feel alone, I don't know that, understand I'm still a runny nose.

The results of the announcement came out and I looked for my name on the list of students received, my brother had already appeared, but I was still looking, when I was almost desperate, oh gosh.... it turned out that my aunt found my name stuck in the order of 323. 'Thank God,' I said. and I officially became a junior high school student 1. During MOS, I also meet a classy, ​​cute senior, in the worst class division, I got the last class, the 'H' class. MOS and Boy Scouts, which I love the most when I see my seniors, her name is Dwima Ayu, she might be the first person I like, but at that time I didn't understand the concept of love, which I knew was zero, I didn't have any experience, I can only look at her from a distance and pay attention to her. In those days when I just enjoyed the sweetness of middle school, I accidentally found divorce papers in my father's closet when I was about to get clothes. 'deg' at that time I realized I shouldn't be here. Since then my outlook has begun to changed, I became the most naughty figure in school, I often enter problems office. Up to grade 2, I just got to know a girl of my classmate, even though I have one year together, but I just realized that her child is rather cute but sweet, her name is reza dwi rianty, she is quiet and doesn't like being disturbed but in class 2 I often fight too, so she maybe hate me so much.

Up grade 3, I still stay in class 'H' with Reza, I was happy but because maybe she already hated me, I was so stupid, ignorant of the duck, when I wanted to make an act and entered BK this time my teacher told me to be call our parents, with 5 people in my class and other classes. Being a migrant worker in Saudi Arabia and my mother didn't know where she was, I went home with a sad face if I remember those times, when I needed them, and they were not here to help me, then I asked aunty to come to school and I got nagged again.

Graduated junior high school I entered vocational Automotive major and I entered in a private vocational school that is quite favorite, here I also got a yellow card, ( it's great just like playing football just got a yellow card) a hard warning from school. I started smoking class 2 Vocational High School at first was banned from me, but because I was always hiding in secret. finally my dad allowed me to smoking. In grade 2, I also went to Jogja with a messy clothes, but in that city I first fell in love in the sense of being able to have, if I used to love someone else but could not have, now I can love a Catholic girl who has same tears as mine, the difference is my fate with her, she is from a rich family while I just a poor boy, I don't know where to start but what makes me fall in love is " she looks at me for who am i, she always watches over me, regulates me for my own good, she never give up on me, she was nagging, the most important thing was she knew what I had been through, she understood that, maybe she was the best for me, we were dating until I graduated from school.

Class 3 seems like on holiday I go to Semarang, I don't bring any money at all, I'm going with my friend just bring a guitar with one shirt, here in this city that I think is the worst city, me and my friend fall asleep at the station, at 3 am we were beaten up by security guards, we were doused with a bucket of water, who you think they are, fu**, five of them were really happy, fu**, where was my guitar missing there, no money and our clothes were wet, that morning became the saddest morning, I had to find anything to eat no matter what happened. I was willing to look for it in the trash, I found a packet of leftover rice and I brought it to eat us both, it contained rice with a piece of chicken look like had been eaten, but i don't care. "the important thing is that your stomach is full and your stomach needs are met". In the afternoon, me and my friend were looking for money again, but from morning till noon I was singing only get 7,500 rupiah, then I took the initiative to find a small restaurant call it 'warteg' and I asked the warteg's owner to help me for give me any job, I was told to wash the dishes, damn it, the plates were really much , from 1 pm, I started washing until 4 pm just finished, fortunately I immediately called my friend to help, we were given money, it's 120,000 rupiahs with the owner of the warteg and also free food. What I feel is it's hard to find money, damn it.

Graduated from my vocational school at the age of 17, I applied for a job in Semarang (if the place I know, I will definitely, forget, it's natural, because it's been a long time). I wasn't accepted, while 2 of my friends were accepted, on the pretext that I wasn't old enough so I failed, but my friends didn't even work, they preferred to work together or not at all. that night we slept in the mosque, then at dawn we started walking around carrying bags filled with clothes, just when we were going home, we didn't have enough money to pay bus fees, trans semarang, we ate, we didn't eat at all, that morning near the market is right there is a police station, the three of us asked for help from the mr. police, at 8 am and the police hurriedly gathered and gave us 80 thousand of their joint venture money, we were transported by a police car to the nearest bus stop, and he accompanied us until the busway arrived and asked to the busway driver, so that we are free from transportation payment.

After failing in Semarang, I wandered in Nusa Dua, Bali, I joined the coolie building that put gypsum together to make a partition, 6 months I was in Bali and after returning from Bali I managed to produce anything, I then moved tangerang and this is the beginning of everything that starts. I hate it, on June 7, 2014 I got bad news that my girlfriend was die, she take her last breath before me, since then I really hated this world, the pain that had not been treated now plus the lossing her that made me fall apart, I tried to calm myself, but I could not, I tried to kill myself at that time by taking a lot of drugs but I just had a heavy overdose, i was hospitalized for one week and I realized, life always falls on me and not even death doesn't accept me. I am now working in one of the factories in Tangerang, I started self-injury, wearing illicit goods, 3 years is the darkest period of my life, every night there are no days without alcohol and drugs, every Monday night I will not sleep even though in the morning I have go to work , I was destroy my own life, I used up all of my hardwork money for the taboo things, well even though I was caught by the police and I entered rehabilitation after being categorized as a user and not a dealer, my cousin is bothered thinking about me, I already hate my own family and now I hate them more, 2 months I was locked in a room, during that time I also like life in hell, I hate my life, really hate it, I was forced to take drugs to relieve my addiction, if I refused, I got hit , that's how I was until one day I succeeded in passing the darkest period, I didn't know what I was feeling anymore, it felt like I was already dead, only a panic attack was still left and now a little think suicidal, I came out of tangerang and was free on parole with no permission to enter the city of tangerang anymore, then I went home and was increasingly isolated from my own family, on that basis I would rather die than live by carrying this heavy burden, I am a loner, I'm always lonely, I'm always become a symbol of bad person.

I was also present at his funeral, where I was unable to see the person who understood me the most, instead left, I tried to smile even though I was crying inside.

From here I always think that I am useless, I cannot do anything properly, I cannot be a proudly child, what can I do is only embarrassing my family, I realize, as much as I realize that I am a disgrace, I am an illness for the family . I have decided one definite wish, who knows when it will come true, but for sure I have no future, I'm just a proper trash dumped, I'm suffering from mental disabilities, I'm suffering from panic attacks, I'm a depressed person, and I'm thinking about killing myself, i was creating the strory for the sake of ending the sadness in my life.

Now I never trust anyone, only a few people I trust, I write this when I'm sad, it's true what people say, they always judge people by their appearance. I can still survive this far, who knows how long I can still bear the burden of my life.

The most painful fact was when I heard the reason why my family threatened, honestly I didn't care anymore, I was used to living without parents, I'm not the spoiled child who usually asks for. You all know that most people commit suicide because they want to end the pain in their hearts, not because they are bored of life, just like me. You know how it feels every night, I always hear the screams in my head, it hurts so much when you can't get it out, I live in fear, I'm always scared, I'm not used to the crowd, I'm not used to talking with other people, I'm afraid they will see me as I see myself, I'm weak, I'm stupid.

Every night I get insomnia and I look for a busy life if I shut up I'm afraid something inside me will wake up and I become another horrible figure.

Everything about me is only bad, I don't know what is good in me. I don't even love myself and I dream of loving other people, how stupid i am, how could I be that stupid.

What I want is a person who can listen to all my complaints, not an idiot who wants me to change because of something, what I want is a figure that sees me as a human being when everyone is away from me and see's me like a trash.

She is always by my side, what I want is that a figure who loves me and never let me go, what I want won't happen because I know, FOR WHAT YOU LOVES A TRASH LIKE ME, FOR WHAT YOU WASTE YOUR TIME FOR A TRASH LIKE ME, FOR WHAT LISTENED A NONSENSE FROM ME. I am the figure of the past that is not supposed to live.

When a panic attack strikes, what I do is writing, then for me is the most beautiful moment where I can get it out all the words that appear in my head, I was not enough, i like dark, because where I was only in the dark, I realized that I was can't live under the light.

Sooner or later I'm going to return all of this, mom, sorry. This is the only way that I think is enough to end my prolonged sadness, let me alone. I behaved annoyingly only as a mask, I didn't want even a single person to feel lost if I died, I didn't want to be a part of this world that I thought was a real hell. I don't want to bond with anyone, I'm afraid my decision will change, I'm afraid to lose again. Let me suffering alone.

One more thing, I'm always smiling, I'm sensitive and I'm negative. I'm trapped in my own imagination, hoping a God's hand took dirty spirits inside me and my body decays without anyone knowing, I'm already tired of pretending, I'm already tired of this world, I've lived too long and stand here it's time for me to go home.

The most things i ever done is a mistake, every choice i take is a sin.

for the angel of death, please take me home, please, please

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