EMOTIONS

        I hate every moment that happens in my life, I don't know anything else to do. I know I made the wrong decision at that time, I jumped into the black world, the thing I never did was I never played with a women, I realized the feeling was been played, I never thought of the dating that I was aiming for, just how to relieve this pain, how i do was cheer myself up. People like me where there might be someone who likes.

       My mom is now remarried and she tells me that she doesn't want to have another child and my father is also remarried, even though for what numbers, I never want to know that, I let him live alone and never mix his business. I also have a life where I'm always alone, I am alone living that shitty life and I know what it's like to be disturbed.

        People who are initially alone then dream of having someone else by their side, that's ridiculous, like I'm stupid, I'm sometimes too open, trusting to much and always become the second choice. I don't blame them, I blame myself because I'm not good enough and i always affected by what I believe, some people never stand in the same attitude. I stay away from people because I don't want to be a part of them. I trust people too often, I tell them about me and what happens they may be tired and change and leave me without any explanation. Since then I have lost confidence in other people, I prefer to keep all those feelings alone because with that I don't need to depend on others.

       At first I was a good kid who always obeyed the rules and maybe the nerves in my brain are broken, so this is me now, just a piece of trash.

        Rubbish is still rubbish until whenever it will never be picked up again. If you ask me why I became like this, you definitely think I'm someone who is looking for attention, who wants to exist, it's because you don't know, you never feel what I feel and you never live in the shadow of others.

       I hate anything, now that I don't have anything worthy of pride, I just endure and survive, I never thought of my future.

     I now shut myself down, I love the silence, because in that atmosphere my mind is free from anything and only leaves with my imaginary friend.

        I know exactly how it feels like crying when everyone fall asleep and you can cry without fear that someone can heard, I know exactly how it feels, asking God to take your life, I know how much you hate when others see you with the way you see yourself. I know exactly how it feels like pretending to be happy even though inside you, you are very sad, I know exactly how it feels like pretending to be strong even though in reality you want to give up.

      Nobody knows the real me, anyway what they know, they also don't care right, what I know is that I can endure all of that and still be who I am. The dumbest guy, the weak guy, I'm used to feel all the pain, maybe because of that I also went numb, all I did was fantasize and write everything that happened in my head.

I just realized yesterday, no one can change the desires of others, I did it to my true love, she chose to end her life rather than live with sorrow, I always cheer her up, I always make her smile, I think I succeed but in reality I am failed. Thanks to her, I learned to stay in my mind and no one could shake it. In her last message she said " this world is only hell, and finally I can get it out of this hell, I succeeded in creating my own drama, my decision may be wrong in the eyes of others but I hold on to what I experienced, no one can be trusted , they only exist when I shine and disappear when I'm dim, in reality I'm just a disgrace to anyone, I can finally fall asleep in the cradle of God, let God put me in the deepest place in hell " she really committed suicide.

" I have no meaning to anyone, I can be replaced anytime, I don't deserve to get what other people have now, I really lost what I should have, parents who never existed for me, friends who only became shadows , I also want to be like those out there who can live without fear, I also want to have a normal life, have what others have, I also want to live without all this burden, but I'm stuck in my past, I always imagine the ugliness of myself and how disgusting I am in the eyes of others, I also plan to do what she does, maybe my way is wrong, when I love, I actually dissolve in that feeling without thinking about the impact of painful feelings, I have had enough and it's done , that's why I always improve the lives of others and can't improve my own life, maybe that's what made me like this, an annoying figure "

" Because of her, I know what it's like to lose, because of her, I understand the feeling of being abandoned, because her also stops me from believing things that make sense, when I'm sad, she's the source of my inspiration. Maybe if there isn't her, I left first, I couldn't imagine how many dreams I had and it all fell off because of my own behavior, I was only a small part of the story in this country, I wanted to be alone to enjoy my world, witnessing various things that made me calm, I'm just writing material on a piece of paper, I'm just a phrase in one meaningless word, I'm just a substitute in a drama called life, I'm just another nothing "

" I can't explain why I'm sad and why I'm sick when I look fine from the outside, I can't explain what I'm feeling, is it so insignificant of me, that I can be replaced with anyone, is it so despicable of me , so that your gaze hurts me so much, I'm also human, I have a sensitive heart and I'm the same as you guys but our destinies are different, I'm banished from the family sphere and live with hatred, the painful bond that you call family always gives me a deepest pain ".

" I just want to be happy like you, live with love and love, I just want to live like most people,"

" every day for 24 hours I hold myself to kill myself, I still survive, I always fall and cry, I cut my arm for a moment of calm and no one knows it. I still remember when my mom and dad just kept quiet " I'm just asking for an excuse, but she really said dirty words from her mouth, those words I still remember clearly. As good as whatever I do will still not change the fact that I'm still not good enough in the eyes of others"

" I decided to create my own drama like she did. Every day in my life, I always ask God to take my life. I know, I'm selfish, if I do that, I just create another pain. You never been me, so don't be as careless as your forehead judging me as if you were the right one. I want to be a shooting star and be able to reach her in the sky right there. It was just my plan, who knows what happened up front, I don't care and I don't want to know those troublesome things "

" As she said, where there is light there is darkness, this world consists of two opposites that complement each other, where I am alone, nothing completes my life. As far as I am, perfection consists of two different sides. I complete myself I created my imagination friend, a monster that resides in me, and thanks to that I have two different sides, depending on which you want to meet me, which is good or dark myself "

" she said, garbage can be recycled and can be valuable things, what she said was ambiguous, I didn't understand at all, at first she thought I wasn't as bad as she thought and after she got acquainted with my other self, she changed , she's getting farther and farther away, what I have to do, I don't know what to do " ( Jogjakarta's story ).

"suffering from depression and panic attacks, it was like living in hell, initially I wanted to be alone but I didn't want to be lonely, I wanted to have lots of friends but I hated socializing, I initially cared about what happened then at the same time I didn't care at all And what happened was the blankness that enveloped me, did you ever feel this feeling ? When everyone left you and you could only stand staring at them, you just looked and all for what !!! You know, losing is fear. greatest for everyone. From loss we hate, from hate us to envy and because of envy, we are no different from the devil "

" I am an anagram that decorates the world with sadness, I am part of an alienated world, I am part of the story of God's work"

" There's nothing that I can see but darkness, if only there was a little light I would try to reach it even though I fell repeatedly"

" I'm simple, a jerk who always smiles to cover up all my pain, by smiling I can hide my true self and nature"

"I hate, I hate, I hate arrrggghhhhh"

" I failed in my weakest phase, a thing that has no meaning only exists in me, I can't even control my body to stop hurting, I'm always never considered, my period as a drug addict is over, it seems tragic right to live, i just have only sadness and hatred, but whatever I hate, I can't hate my father as much as my mom, behind them I hate them but in front of them I just shut up and cry in their arms "

" My father and mother failed to become parents, they choose their ego over them instead of living together, I was among them, rather than me hurting one, I better hurt them all, so I have a reason to go."

" my other self likes various things about hurting myself, wanting amnesia so that I can forget everything without feeling guilty, my other side is more inclined to hate anything and also easy to cry, but on the other hand I am grateful, thanks to him I have a scars that becomes a reminder of myself, that scars is a reminder of my worst times "

" All I did was just be quiet and see everything go quickly, I resisted change, many people come and go, nothing was really settled, nothing and nobody ".

***Download NovelToon to enjoy a better reading experience!***