Why it reminded me of all the past.

...I remember it all started on the day of his father's funeral....

...It was my first time watching tears in his eyes. I never saw him crying....

Our fathers were good friends, I remember every Saturday either my father will go to uncle's place or his father will come to our place. They were like siblings, they always shared their thoughts laugh aloud, which gives me a sense of happiness. Watching my father laughing was so great as he was always cold at home and I don't even remember when he last talked to me, when he last smiled at me after my mother's death.

I was so young when she died.

As a 6-7-year-old little girl, I watched my happiness and childhood fading away with my mum's death.

His father's death reminded me of all the memories I had after my mum was gone. I was all alone, there was a made who always stood by my side, comforted me all the time I cried at night. Soon after, my dad got married again. His new wife, I never called her ‘mom'. Although she never mistreated me, I don't know why but I couldn't accept her as mum. She had a boy with his first husband, so she took him to our home.

Somehow, I Loved him being around me. He was a little angel that brought my life back. He was almost 3 years old back then.

His Lil paws soft like a teddy bear, cute little eye' he was angelic.

Soon after he started to talk, walk and now was time to enrol him in school.

I always walked him to school and walked back to school together. Now he was the only reason I smile often.

...Other people must have thought that we were a happy family but there was always a sense of chill in our home there was no voice other than Evan (my Lil brother). My father was always cold to us. Although he loved us yet he was never as warm anymore as when my mum was alive....

...That day at Uncle's funeral, I watched him (uncle's son) crying....

...I was standing behind him. I saw his sorrow. I didn't like him but I wanted to comfort him cause I could feel him. It was just like my mum died....

...A sunny day but it was chill all around. I also wanted to cry aloud but I have made myself strong long ago and this time it's his turn. He was like the sunshine since we were young, I always gave him cold shoulder yet he always tried to befriend me. He was silly (haha) but he was popular among kids. His warm smile was enough to fade one's sadness, he was cute when he was young and now he's the most eligible bachelor. The one marrying him must be lucky. But he was a pure and innocent kid. He was pure as a melody, he never would have made any mistakes he was a perfect guy since Young....

...But I guess with our family background now he will have to take over his position at their company. The business world is a battlefield without bullets. I don't know if this pure soul can handle that. I silently wished him luck and returned. I was looking forward to watching him in the business world. I was curious how would he handle everything there. He was 1 year elder than me but as he was pampered so there was a kid inside him who needs to grow up now. This is the actual start of his adulthood....

...But we never knew what was about to pop up & change our lives wholly....

Uncle left a letter to him and my dad.

...I was behind the door listening my dad talking to my aunt (my step mum) about uncle's letter....

...Uncle wanted his son ( ROY) to marry me within a month after his death....

...Of course, I could deny that. But I don't know how to say no to my Dad....

...He seemed quite satisfied with this marriage I just want him to be happy anyhow I was doing everything that can make him happy. I had already taken over our company. I just wanted my dad to relax and stay calm now. So how could I reject this marriage now, which gave him enjoyment and satisfaction....

...He called me over the next day and talked about the marriage arranged by them....

...Although I knew it was going to happen but this was so sudden....

...I was speechless. A lifeless statue standing in front. My tongue was freezed. I just simply nodded to his question....

...Then suddenly my phones ring made me come back to sense....

...It was a call from the company. There was an important negotiation going on I was not free for the time being....

...The call ended I talked to dad that I need some time to complete this project then they can arrange the wedding as they like. He agreed....

...He agreed and wished me luck with the project. He knew I was running away so I guess he also gave me a chance to calm down....

The project thing was just an excuse to run away a Lil bit from this whole sudden situation. I knew him since childhood but there was an uneasiness which I don't know how to explain. All in all, I was not prepared for this. I never thought a single day will change my life like this. I'll have to leave my dad, my brother, behind. I don't want to apart from them. My heart is aching, is it what we feel when dying?

why am I feeling like this? I know him well.

do I know him well??

then why am I having this feeling?

he will keep me happy, right?

we have known each other since we were a kid but I don't want to apart from my family.

How can I calm myself, I need peace.

what can I do? what should I do?

I had to grow up early as my mum died. I lost my childhood to mature up as my dad was never with me after her death. I longed for his love his embrace. I watched every kid around me holding their parent's hand.

Somehow now I had dreams to make my Lil brother happy my dad happy. And now I have to leave here why???

what did I do wrong? what was my mistake? why do I have to take all this?

Is this all my fate.....

Will I ever be happy.......

Do I always have to kill my feelings to adjust like this...

do I always have to make plans according to others, live the life that others gave me?

always???

Will my fate ever change?

Anyway, let's just run away for a while......

hope there will be new sunshine tomorrow.

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