Joe Santagato
Double Dizzy Do-Z: A Double Standard in the Church
Chapter Four: Holy Hypocrisy—Church Logic in Reverse
Introduction
Step inside some churches and you’ll find more rules than a tax code and more judgment than a reality show. In the world of A*Strictly Backwards, the same people who preach “love thy neighbor” might just be the first to throw a stone—especially if you have a tattoo, missed a Sunday, or wore the wrong shoes. When every sin is equal, but yours is somehow worse, it’s clear: church logic can be strictly backwards.
Strictly Backwards Moments: Sins, Saints, and Sunday Surprises
You might be living A*Strictly Backwards IF…
…you’re told “no sin is greater than another,” but your tattoo gets more attention than someone’s tax fraud.
…missing church once makes you a “lost soul,” but gossiping in the pews is just “sharing prayer requests.”
…you’re warned about hell for listening to rock music, but nobody bats an eye at lying on the offering envelope.
…the pastor says “judge not,” then spends the next hour judging everyone from the pulpit.
…you’re told to “come as you are,” but get side-eyed for not wearing a suit.
…you’re called a sinner for having a piercing, but not for refusing to forgive your neighbor.
…one missed call to your mother is a sin, but refusing to speak to your brother for a year is “setting boundaries.”
…the Bible says “love your enemies,” but you’re the antichrist if you walk into the wrong church.
…you’re taught that “all are welcome,” except for people who ask questions.
…the church preaches humility, but the parking lot is a luxury car show.
…you’re told “let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” but everyone’s got a pocket full of rocks.
…confessing your sins is encouraged, but only if they’re the “acceptable” kind.
…you’re told to forgive 70 times 7, but one mistake gets you a lifetime ban from the bake sale.
…the sermon is about loving the poor, but the collection plate comes around twice.
…you’re warned about “wolves in sheep’s clothing,” but the biggest gossip is leading the choir.
…you’re told “God is love,” but the church sign says “Turn or Burn.”
…the Bible says “do not judge,” but the church has a committee for it.
…you’re told to “honor your father and mother,” but you’re equal to Hitler if you forget to call.
…the church says “hate the sin, love the sinner,” but you’re not sure which one they’re talking about.
…you’re told salvation is a free gift, but there’s a suggested donation.
Closing Thought
In the world of A*Strictly Backwards, church can feel like a place where everyone’s a sinner—just some sins come with a better seat. If you’ve ever felt like you were damned if you do and damned if you don’t, you’re not alone. After all, the only thing more confusing than church rules might be trying to follow them all.
Chapter Five: Miracles, Magic, and the Church’s Double Standard
Introduction
Step into the world of church logic, where turning water into wine is a miracle, but pulling a rabbit out of a hat is the devil’s work. Vampires are condemned for living forever, but eternal life is the ultimate promise. And if you talk to spirits, you’re a witch—unless you’re reading about prophets who did the same. When it comes to magic, miracles, and the supernatural, the line between holy and heresy is as blurry as a foggy graveyard at midnight.
Strictly Backwards Moments: Magic for Me, Not for Thee
You might be living A*Strictly Backwards IF…
…walking on water is a miracle, but floating a feather is witchcraft.
…turning water into wine is holy, but brewing a love potion is a sin.
…raising the dead is a sign of divinity, but talking to ghosts gets you burned at the stake.
…eternal life is a blessing, unless you’re a vampire—then it’s a curse.
…prophets can see the future, but fortune tellers are forbidden.
…casting out demons is celebrated, but casting a spell is condemned.
…multiplying bread and fish is a miracle, but multiplying coins is a magic trick.
…parting the sea is a sign of faith, but reading tarot cards is a sign of the devil.
…angels deliver messages, but if you hear voices, you need an exorcism.
…holy relics are powerful, but crystals are “dangerous.”
…saints perform miracles, but witches are persecuted for trying.
…baptism washes away sins, but a cleansing ritual is “pagan nonsense.”
…the church celebrates resurrection, but fears anything undead.
…lighting candles in church is sacred, but lighting candles at home is suspicious.
…praying for rain is faith, but doing a rain dance is forbidden.
…communion is eating flesh and drinking blood, but vampires are monsters.
…miraculous healings are praised, but herbal remedies are “witchy.”
…the Bible is full of visions and dreams, but dream interpretation is off-limits.
…saints have halos, but witches have “auras.”
…you’re told to believe in miracles, but not in magic—unless it’s on Sunday.
Closing Thought
In the upside-down world of A*Strictly Backwards, the difference between a miracle and magic might just be who’s telling the story. If you’ve ever wondered why some supernatural acts are celebrated while others are condemned, you’re not alone. After all, it’s all fun and games until someone brings out a broomstick—or a chalice.
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