Reborn as the Background Character in the Worst Novel Ever

I died because of a vending machine. Not a dramatic death, I know-but in my defense, who expects a soda to cause their untimely demise? One moment, I was minding my business, innocently trying to get a cold drink. The next, the machine lunged at me like a rabid beast (or maybe I pulled too hard), and boom-flattened like a pancake.

When I woke up, things were... weird. For one, I was alive. For another, I was in a very fancy room wearing an extremely itchy cravat. And the biggest problem? I immediately recognized where I was.

I had been reincarnated into The Eternal Kingdom's Revenge Chronicles. The worst novel I've ever read.

This wasn't just bad-it was legendarily terrible. The kind of novel you find in the clearance bin next to a book titled My Werewolf Stepbrother Is Also a Cyborg. I only finished it because my roommate bet me fifty bucks I couldn't. And here I was-stuck inside it.

And not even as the hero. Oh no. That would be too kind. I was Maximilian von Drottenschmirtz III, a background character so useless, his defining trait was "faints under pressure." This guy wasn't even the comic relief-he was the kind of guy who trips during important scenes and dies in Chapter 7 because he mistakes poison for apple juice.

"Young Master Maximilian!" A cheerful voice chirped. I turned to see a maid with bright pink hair and terrifying enthusiasm. This was Flora, the main heroine's loyal sidekick and the source of half the book's dumbest misunderstandings. "You're awake! The Duke is waiting for you downstairs!"

The Duke. Right. My father-Duke Drottenschmirtz. A terrifying warlord known as the "Iron Blooded Demon." In the novel, he called me "an embarrassment to the family" and once compared me to a particularly dim-witted parsnip.

I wasn't about to get verbally roasted by some medieval musclehead. So, I did the only reasonable thing: I faked illness.

"I feel faint!" I flopped back onto the bed dramatically. "I must recover before facing Father's terrifying might!"

Flora blinked. "Should I call the doctor?"

"Yes! No! Maybe... Listen, I just need a minute." I needed a plan. A strategy. A way to survive Chapter 7 without dying a stupid, preventable death.

Step 1: Avoid every major plot event.

Step 2: Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, interact with the main characters.

Step 3: ...Profit?

Simple enough. But of course, life-or poorly written novels-are never that easy.

The Hero's Stupid, Handsome Face

I was doing fine until I accidentally tripped and headbutted the hero, Crown Prince Alaric, during a ballroom dance.

This was not part of the plan.

Alaric, golden-haired and brooding, was the kind of guy who could say things like, "I must protect the kingdom," without cringing. Naturally, he was also cursed with the Tragic Backstory™. My accidental assault did not improve his mood.

"You..." Alaric growled, gripping my collar. "Why did you strike me?!"

"It was an accident!" I wheezed. "Your royal shin got in the way of my face!"

His blue eyes narrowed. "I should challenge you to a duel for this insult."

Great. I was about to die via "Royal Sword Guy" before Chapter 7.

"No need for a duel!" I blurted. "I will... I will personally deliver you the finest cake in the kingdom as an apology!"

Why did I say that? No idea. But I wasn't dying over a headbutt.

Alaric, shockingly, let me go. "You have one week."

Thus began The Great Cake Quest, which, by the way, did not exist in the original novel. I was officially off-script-and still somehow tangled with the main cast.

The Villainess Who Hates My Face

The second problem? Lady Seraphina, the novel's terrifyingly beautiful villainess. In the book, she tries to destroy the kingdom because no one invited her to prom or something equally ridiculous.

Unfortunately, I accidentally spilled soup on her dress.

"You imbecile!" Seraphina hissed, glaring at me as if I had personally insulted her entire bloodline. "Do you know how much this fabric costs?!"

"I can explain," I said. "Actually, no-I really can't. Sorry?"

She raised her fan threateningly. "You will pay for this humiliation."

I barely escaped with my life and half my dignity intact.

My Father, the Roast Master

When I finally faced my father, Duke Drottenschmirtz, the first thing he said was, "I see your sword skills are as weak as your jawline."

"Good to see you too, Father," I mumbled.

He squinted. "You seem... different. Less cowardly. Are you possessed?"

"Nope, just traumatized," I said cheerfully.

To my horror, the Duke seemed vaguely impressed by my newfound ability to form coherent sentences. Which was great-until he decided to enroll me in the Royal Academy. You know, the very place where 90% of the plot happens and most people die.

The Plan Falls Apart

Between dodging Alaric's suspicious stares, avoiding Seraphina's wrath, and surviving my father's "training sessions" (also known as legal torture), my simple plan of staying in the background was in flames.

Worse, the novel's villain-a shadowy mastermind called the "Black Serpent"-mistook me for a secret genius after I accidentally solved a magical puzzle. I thought it was a chessboard. Apparently, it was an ancient artifact.

Now everyone thinks I'm some hidden prodigy. Alaric keeps dragging me into his quests. Seraphina begrudgingly tolerates me. My father no longer openly insults my existence. And the Black Serpent? Oh, he sent me a gift basket.

I was supposed to die by Chapter 7. Instead, I was accidentally becoming the main character.

And you know what? If I'm stuck in this ridiculous novel, I might as well rewrite the ending.

Starting with that cake.

The Great Escape (Or: How I Broke the Worst Novel Ever)

If the only way to escape was to reach The End, then I had one goal: finish the novel as fast as possible-but without dying, accidentally becoming the main character, or triggering another magical customer service call.

Easy, right?

Wrong.

The novel's final arc was a hot mess of clichés:

The Black Serpent, a mysterious villain trying to destroy the kingdom for reasons.

Prince Alaric unlocking his True Powers™ to stop the apocalypse.

Lady Seraphina's tragic fall from grace (or dance-related trauma).

My original character, Maximilian von Drottenschmirtz III, dying in Chapter 7 after mistaking poison for apple juice.

If I wanted to escape, I needed to speedrun this disaster-without becoming a corpse along the way.

---

Step 1: Outsource the Heroic Duties

"Look," I told Prince Alaric, "I'll help you save the kingdom, but only if you promise not to ask any questions."

Alaric, still suspicious from the magical customer service debacle, narrowed his eyes. "Why do you care?"

"Because I'm trapped in a cosmic narrative prison, and the only way out is finishing the story," I blurted. "Also, I'm allergic to dying."

Alaric blinked. "...What?"

"Never mind," I sighed. "Just follow my lead."

I spent the next week delegating every major heroic task to Alaric. I may not have been the Chosen One, but I had something better-knowledge of the entire plot.

Magical Trials of Destiny? Sent Alaric.

Uncovering the Black Serpent's Evil Lair? Alaric.

Negotiating with the Fire Dragon? Alaric (he only got singed a little).

Honestly, I was killing it. My plan to stay alive and off-script was working-until Seraphina decided to cause problems.

---

Step 2: Tame the Villainess (Somewhat)

Seraphina's original role was to betray the kingdom, unlock forbidden magic, and destroy everything because no one invited her to prom. Understandable, but also inconvenient.

So, I did the only rational thing-I invited her to tea.

"You want me to what?" she asked, halfway through brewing a potion that smelled like burnt ego.

"Be the kingdom's next Minister of Defense," I said, sipping my tea. "If you're busy with a government job, you won't have time to destroy reality."

She tilted her head. "And what do I get in return?"

"Full control of the palace snack budget."

Her eyes gleamed with raw power. "Deal."

With Seraphina pacified by sugar and bureaucracy, I checked "Prevent Villainous Rampage" off my to-do list.

---

Step 3: Speedrun the Final Battle

The final battle was supposed to be a dramatic three-act saga filled with betrayals, monologues, and an unhealthy amount of magical sword fights. No thanks. I had no intention of dragging this out.

So, I improvised.

When we finally reached the Black Serpent's lair (after getting lost because Alaric refused to ask for directions), I did NOT let things play out like the book wanted.

Instead, I walked in, slammed a basket of pastries on the table, and said, "Listen up, you melodramatic snake. What will it take to wrap this up today?"

The Black Serpent-who, by the way, was just some cranky office worker cursed with immortality-blinked behind his creepy mask. "What?"

"I'm offering you early retirement," I said. "You stop the apocalypse, and I give you this fake identity, a beach house, and free health care."

There was a long pause. Then he sighed.

"You know what? Fine. I'm so tired of this job."

And just like that, the grand villain retired to a cottage by the sea.

---

Step 4: Break the Narrative (and Reality)

With the villain defanged, the kingdom saved, and the prophecy fulfilled (technically), all that was left was to trigger my exit.

According to Seraphina's magic books, if the story's core plot points were complete, the "narrative boundary" would weaken. In other words-I could finally leave.

Or so I thought.

Because instead of reality cracking open, I got a glowing message:

"Narrative Completion: 99%."

"What's the missing 1%?!" I shouted at the sky.

Then I remembered: Chapter 7. The chapter where Maximilian dies.

Apparently, the novel wouldn't let me leave until I fulfilled every part of the script-including my tragic, apple-juice-related demise.

"Can't we just... skip it?" I asked Seraphina.

"Nope," she said cheerfully. "Rules are rules."

---

Step 5: Faking My Death (I Deserve an Award for This)

If the story wanted me dead, I'd fake my death-on my own terms.

I gathered Alaric and Seraphina in the Academy's grand hall.

"Okay," I said. "Here's the plan-I 'die,' you mourn dramatically, and boom-I escape this novel."

Alaric, ever the serious one, frowned. "You... want us to fake your death?"

"Yes. Be sad. Cry a little if you can. I'm trusting you."

---

The next day, I drank a non-lethal sleeping potion and dramatically collapsed in front of the entire Royal Court while holding a bottle labeled "Totally Poison, Do Not Drink."

It was the performance of a lifetime.

Alaric, bless him, was surprisingly convincing. "Noooo! Maximilian! My... best... friend?" he choked out.

Seraphina, not to be outdone, threw herself across my body. "He was the only one who understood my love of government spreadsheets!"

I almost broke character.

As the mournful music swelled, the air around me began to shimmer. The novel was letting me out.

I cracked one eye open. "Hey, don't forget to water my plants."

And with that, I vanished in a flash of light.

---

Epilogue: Back to Reality (Sort Of)

I woke up back in my world, sprawled in my apartment. The vending machine? Gone. My body? Blessedly un-squished.

For a moment, I thought it was over. I was free.

Then I noticed the glowing sword on my coffee table.