Are You Crazy?

She read the piece of paper again. When had she written that? Was it yesterday? The day before? She tried to will herself to remember, and then as if the floodgates opened all her memories came back. The hurt. The pain. The betrayal.

Edward.

With a loud crash, the glass she was holding splintered on the floor, leaving a puddle of water and more than a hundred little pieces. She looked at her hand. Dazed. She did not even notice she was not holding the glass anymore.

Suddenly, her thoughts shifted back to the present. More memories flooded her mind. She had indeed written this letter, in what felt like ages ago. She was supposed to spend the weekend at the Cullens. Having her 18th birthday party. Then she would finish the school year, and then… what came after was undecided.

Bella quickly looked at her phone. 3 AM on Sunday. It was Sunday. Her birthday party was on Friday... where had her Saturday gone?

She crushed the stupid little paper in her hand, trying to will her mind to remember. But all she could recall was the birthday party and her talk with Edward. Her foolish clumsiness had taken over, and chaos had rained down. Despair started to overwhelm Bella, crashing in on her like the waves of a storm beating against the shore. She was standing there, as the waves hit her again and again. Her back slumped against the kitchen cabinet, her butt just next to the broken glass, the water touching her jeans. The same jeans that she had worn when Edward had so confidently left her. Her head was spinning. Pulling her down. The waves beat down on her. Why couldn't she remember? How did she get back? Slowly, she felt the familiar feeling of her nightmare take over. The bubble surrounded her, but the storm did not stop.

And then she remembered. The words. They vibrated deep into her core. The waves stopped. Instead, she let the light summer breeze of an early summer morning wash over her, as she bathed in the words. Repeating them. You are worth it.

Remembering everything and nothing at the same time, she shook her head in confusion. It was as if somebody had taken off the rose-colored glasses, and she saw everything in a new light.

The light breeze chased the cold away. The despair seeped out of her body, floating away into the night. The freezing grip of dread was replaced with a warm feeling, a sort of purr, that instilled itself in her core. It filled her. Fueled there. And there, standing in the moonlight of Charlie's kitchen, she reevaluated.

Edward was gone, and by the looks of it, he wasn't coming back. Her lower lip trembled at the thought, and she hit the kitchen floor in response. Water splashed up, wetting her t-shirt. A tiny bit of glass cutting her hand. The pain cleansed, it helped pull out the purring feeling that suited her mind. It cleared her thought processes, and that is when her epiphany hit. She was allowed to feel sad, to go through the motions. She had to let herself feel this. But this was not the end. It was everything but. A new layer of determination filled her from head to toe. Her strength was renewed.

Bella smiled. Her head turned towards the full moon that hovered above the tree tops. She nodded once, using the tranquility of the night to make a vow to herself.

“I am worth it”

The next few months flew by quickly. It had seemed that the Cullens had left immediately after her talk with Edward. It had taken a while to completely come to terms with it. But it seemed that Edward had predicted some things right, and her mind did start to heal - although she had to work for it.

She missed Edward. In the beginning, she actually really missed Edward. Every little part of her daily routine somehow reminded her of him. The cafeteria at school. The window in her bedroom. Even her truck was not safe from some sort of connection.

It had surprised her a lot, realizing he so easily had slipped himself into every corner of her being. Her mind protested. She knew that it was better this way. She knew she deserved better. Yet, the rational clarity that was in her head somehow did not align with her heart. How much she wanted to deny it, the bronze-haired vampire had left a large hole on his way out. He had taken part of her with her.

He had left. Just as Renee and Phil had, when the truck had hit them. The latter had taken her childhood. Her innocence to life. Edward, well Edward had seemed to rob her of her shyness. But he hadn't stopped there. No, he had shattered the perfect picture of a first love that she had clung to as well. The last realization had actually driven her mad. She knew from her parents that love not always worked that way, yet, she had crafted it perfectly in her mind. Edward had given her hope. A taste of what love could be. But he had shattered it as well. And that, she concluded, she could live with. Because she was worth more.

She missed Alice. Bella wrote to her, using the email address that they were so used to corresponding on, but never received an answer. It irked her a little, but as time ticked by, she thought more and more about that night in the kitchen. After one and a half months without a reply or an explanation from her best friend, she had just stopped writing. Because she was worth more. Because she was worth it.

Charlie had reacted well to the breakup. He reluctantly told Bella that he never really had been a fan of Edward.

The news had not surprised her, but had saddened her nonetheless. As she prodded for the reason behind Charlie's reservations, she found some merit to his thinking. The Chief had taken his time over their Sunday dinner to explain to her that she deserved better. Someone that listened to her, that gave her a choice. Someone who asked for input on her decisions, and did not just ask her to live with the ones he, or she, took. Bella had chuckled at that last part. She knew for sure that she was as straight as they come, but Charlie always left room for all the options. His love and acceptance surrounded her at every turn.

Although she had agreed with Charlie's reasoning, being a teenager is not easy. She had ups and downs, and had days in those first few weeks where she would come home from school and cry in her pillow into her pillow until deep into the night. It exasperated Charlie. But instead of hounding her over her choices and their results, he just made a hot chocolate and went up to her room. They sat together in a comfortable silence that made Bella feel better, while she slowly nipped from her mug.

But as time passed, these moments of despair and grief became less and less, and Bella became more and more confident and independent.

Soon after the Cullens left, she had taken self-defense classes, encouraged by Charlie due to the large number of disappearances that had occured in the area over the previous months. She had laughed at the idea and argued that her clumsiness might be an issue. She diligently went to her classes, and quickly revisited her statement, as it turned out she had a hidden skill for this. Although the disappearances had faded away from Forks around the same time the Cullens had left, she kept up with her classes. After the course of self-defense had ended, she took up muay thai and kickboxing in response. A hobby that Charlie wholeheartedly encouraged.

Bella loved every minute of it. She could vent all of her feelings and frustrations during the training. And once she had enough skill to try sparring, she could not contain her glee. The physical outlet was heaven, and i her mind, she held on to the philosophy that through sweat, she expelled all traces of Edward.

It worked, and as the months went on, vampires moved more and more to the back of her mind.

Jake picked up on her new adrenaline-fuelled hobbies and joy. In response, their old friendship that had been watered down due to the leeches, as he endearingly called the Cullens, came back to life. They worked on some motors together during the spring, and he taught her how to ride once they were done in May.

Bella loved every part of it and even dared Jacob to teach her how to jump with the motors one afternoon. Jake had been hesitant, but on Bella's insistence agreed to show her the ropes. It all seemed fine in theory, but as she neared the ramp, suddenly the silhouette of Edward Cullen appeared in front of her. Bella lost all control of the motor. Jake produced a scrambled sound, as he rushed towards the bike that covered Bellas body.

She later heard from Jake, the only person witnessing the event, that it was an insane crash, and due to her lack of helmet she should have broken at least her neck as the motor had landed on top of her. But all Bella remembered was the black film enveloping her. And somehow, she only got away with a few bruises and one broken rib.

After that, the Quileutes had lovingly dubbed her lucky charm. They had not believed Jake's recounting of the story, based on the injuries that Bella spotted. But, Billy had informed Charlie of the little mishap, mentioning something with a motor and a little crash. The chief of police had not been happy with this little escape, and had in return grounded her for the rest of the school year. She was still allowed to see Jake, as long as he came around her house with Charlie as supervision.

In the summer, she finished high school with a 4.0 GPA. Charlie treated her to an amazing dinner at the diner, with a berry cobbler as dessert. She had licked her fingers after eating every last crumb of the delicious dessert. Happiness filled her from head to toe. She felt the same joy as she had when she was a kid. As the big arms of Charlie wrapped around her in a solid hug, she could not help but think to herself, that she was indeed worth it.

Charlie helped her move to Maryland, where she would start at the local university. She had received several linguistic offers, including MIT and Cambridge. Even one random offer from Brown University, a university that she had not even applied to. It mentioned a literature degree, and while reading the letter Bella could do little else than to shake her head. Fucking Edward. Still trying to influence her future. She just took out a lighter and burned the letter in a trashcan.

Linguistics intrigued her, and doing research over the past few months she knew this was her way to go. MIT and Cambridge would be the top of the top choices. But, as she mulled the idea over and over in her mind, it was clear that this was not the right decision. And thus, she chose the school that she had applied to on a Saturday, after spotting it in a catalog at her hairdresser, the University of Maryland.

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