Day 3

I opened my phone that day.

(Hoping I'd atleast see a message from you... The usual "good morning ", "hope you have a great day ", "I love you hon", and "take care"... Those messages usually were part of my day... Now, it's gone.)

I felt like shit really, cuz I hadn't got any proper sleep.

(I stayed up rereading our old conversations: I took tons of screenshots of it hon... Those times when we were still happy. The time we started talking. The times when we had serious conversations... The time we had misunderstandings.)

I bothered one of my friends the whole day.

(Kept on crying to her how much I missed you, how much I love you, how I regretted saying yes, how I wish I just agreed when you said that we needed a break from each other... How much I wanted you back.)

But she reminded me, of how hurt I was when we were together.

(Like I wasn't hurting badly now?... She made me remember the amount of times they asked me to leave you, the times they told me that you weren't being fair to me, and the way I begged her not to say those things because I love you and didn't want to give up on you...)

I begged her to allow me to talk to you.

(I'm weak, I know... Even if you keep saying I am not because I can admit how I feel and can cry. I'm not. I'm much more like a cry baby... Im not strong because if I was, I should've admitted to myself that from the start, you weren't ready...)

She made sure I didn't do anything stupid.

(I tried to overdose yet again, sorry my love, I didn't take care of myself like you told me to... I was just so overwhelmed. I had so much going on, and what happened between us kinda made it worse.)

To distract myself, I focused on my school works.

(Well not really... I tried focusing but, I just ended up bawling my eyes out...)

Oh how much my mind thought of you.

(I was getting tired at myself. I didn't know why I still thought of you... Why I still love you... Why I still miss you. When I know that you probably don't feel the same way that I do...)

I tried cheering myself up!

(Sadly didn't work...I somehow ended up crying more... And more... To the point I couldn't breathe.)

I tried doing things that I used to love:painting, drawing, singing

(It made me worse... I ended up thinking about you more... It made me think of the times that we were together, the times I cried for you... The times that I begged that you'd be there for me but, for who was I begging for? When you can't even hear me.)

Bad decision really...

(I end up remembering how we used to be on call while I draw and you playing your games... I used to teach you about drawing... I wish you won't find it boring, and you'd feel happy like I do when I do it... I remembered the time when we used to play and you tried teaching me. I still don't know how to play the game until now... I can't bring myself to try again whan it reminds me of you.)

It was so hard to control myself not to reach out to you.

(I scrolled through my phone for hours... Posted some stuff about you, hoping that you'd see... Hoping that you'd reach out to me but, I'm a fool... A fool for love.)

I tried so hard...

(I didn't reach out to you like I wanted to... I knew that both of us were still hurting... I know that I couldn't hold myself back and ask you to come back when I try and reach out to you.)

Then I just decided to put my phone down.

(I don't trust myself enough not to call you or message you...So I turned my phone off.)

I tried getting some sleep.

(I dreamt about you, showing up my door, hugging me... Funny right?... My mind making fantasies just because I couldn't cope with the reality... What I want won't happen.)

Yet I woke in the middle of the night, tears running down my cheeks.

(I hugged my pillow so tight whispering "I'm sorry" over and over like I was talking to you... I kept blaming myself over what happened.)

From then I didn't catch some sleep again.

(I cried so hard that it felt suffocating. I didn't dare make any sound... I cried like I did for you... Like I did months ago, like I did when you made me feel that you no longer feel the same way as I do... I knew you fell out of love yet, I don't know why you still stayed. Maybe because you found me convenient ?)

Oh how I wish that I'd just pass out.

(I couldn't handle the exhaustion... I couldn't handle being hurt. I thought that I could as I was already mourning something that wasn't gone however, it felt as if it was constantly tearing me apart inside.)

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