CHAPTER 5

Jones is talking to a friend, Mr. Watson, and complaining about his job.

Mr. Watson suggests that if he's being mistreated, he should sabotage the operation.

For his part, Jones tells Mr. Watson that the fat guy making trouble at Levy Pants (where Watson works) is trouble, and is wanted by the police (which he actually isn't… but that's how word of mouth works).

The next day, Ignatius gets to work and heads right to the factory, where the workers painfully lift him up onto a table.

He addresses the workers. They ask him if he is wanted by the police, which he frantically denies.

The workers cheerfully set off for the office, mostly because they think Ignatius is funny or because they enjoy the chance for a break.

They leave Ignatius behind on the table. He gets down with some difficulty and follows them.

They fall upon Gonzalez with bloodthirsty howls, and then move out to terrorize the city. No, actually, that doesn't happen at all, despite Ignatius's best efforts.

They all go back to the factory, figuring that Ignatius actually is wanted by the police and also that he's kind of a jerk.

Meanwhile, Officer Mancuso has gotten himself stuck in the bus station bathroom stall and has to call for help.

And back at home Mrs. Reilly is very disappointed in Ignatius for getting himself fired.

He blames it all on Myrna Minkoff, though his mother very reasonably points out that she is in New York.

Mrs. Reilly says he's going to go looking for another job, so help her.

And up the social ladder to Mrs. Levy, who is being shook up on her exercise board.

We learn something of the tragedy of Mr. Levy, who hated his father and doesn't want to run Levy Pants, but who is tormented anyway because everything there constantly goes wrong and he has to deal with it; plus his wife constantly bothers him because he doesn't want to deal with it. It's a rough life.

Anyway, Mr. Levy tells his wife how he fired Ignatius for egging the workers on to attack Gonzalez. Mrs. Levy says maybe Ignatius was right because Mr. Levy is an unjust slave driver.

Mrs. Levy then threatens to tell their daughters that Mr. Levy is a tyrant who destroyed a young idealist unless he agrees to let Miss Trixie come to their house so Mrs. Levy can make much of her.

Mr. Levy sighs and agrees.

The chapter opens at the garage that houses Paradise Vendors, a hot dog seller.

Ignatius comes by and asks to buy a hot dog or four; he also mentions that he is looking for work.

The hot dot seller asks him to work as a vendor, since he desperately needs vendors, but Ignatius says no.

But then he reveals that he has no money, since his mother has confiscated even his pocket change lest he go to the movies rather than look for work.

The hot dog guy says he'll call the police unless Ignatius pays him… or works as a vendor.

He threatens Ignatius with a rusty fork. Looking down the barrel of the fork, Ignatius agrees to push the cart around for an hour in exchange for the hot dogs he bought.

Off he goes with his cart and his apron and his hat. He figures it's better than looking for work and getting sneered at by personnel managers.

He muses about how he sent Boethius's The Consolation of Philosophy to Officer Mancuso to comfort him in his bus bathroom. His mother thought it was a sweet gesture and left him alone for a bit.

Ignatius eats hot dog after hot dog.

George wanders up the street with an armload of packages from Lana, sees Ignatius, and asks for a hot dog.

Ignatius refuses because he doesn't like George's looks and also probably because he wants to eat all the hot dogs himself.

He drives George away with his tantrum and screaming. People on the street think he's nuts. They are not necessarily wrong.

Ignatius returns and tells his boss that a boy stole all the hot dogs.

Over to the Night of Joy, where Lana and Jones are bickering.

Lana is gathering props for her project with George, whatever that project might be; the props include a globe, some chalk, and a book, which she needs George to get for her.

In the meantime, she tells Darlene to forget about the striptease act with the cockatoo. She figures it'll be terrible, and it's better to have Darlene on commission than to pay her a salary.

At Ignatius's house, Mrs. Reilly calls Santa to tell her how disappointed she is in Ignatius for being a hot dog vendor. (Why this is worse than filing papers is not really clear.)

Ignatius is in the tub reading a letter from Myrna Minkoff.

Myrna is planning to give a lecture on erotic revolution, or some such, and her letter is about how she's met some exciting guy and how Ignatius needs to have orgasms to be fulfilled.

Ignatius gets out of the tub and writes her a letter in response in which he tells her she is obscene and disgusting and that he probably won't write to her anymore.

**TO BE CONTINUED**

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