Deepest secret
I remembered what my father told me then, what I want, that's what I follow. I must be brave, not be affected by what others say.
But as I grew up, as I became aware of things in the world, I thought of hiding, being a coward because no matter what you explain, they won't believe you. They don't understand you.
I was even more discouraged when I lost Dad. No one to defend us, I was completely weakened, I lost hope to bring out who I really am.
I'm a closet gay, that's my Deepest Secret. But it's been a few years since I tried to change myself. Because I know, no matter what I hide. The truth will come out too.
So I thought, I'll just change myself. Just insist on what I should be done. I made myself a real man.
I tried to get a girlfriend to prove to the people who bullied me that was a real man and to prove them wrong. But we didn't last long because she found out my secret.
I was scared then but it also disappeared because she said she had nothing to say. I was lucky because my first girlfriend was kind.
She made it out that I had another woman, so we broke up. Because of that, the people who suspected and abused me avoided me.
And until now, I kept my secret. I fooled myself that I am a man and don't want to be homosexual. Because I don't want to repeat what happened before.
I stopped from reminiscing when I heard Jungkook's voice. I smiled when he called me. He always been calling me 'babe' since that day.
I don't even want to admit that I'm thrilled.
I looked at him and saw his irritated face.
Jungkook
*frowned* Are you listening to me?
His eyes narrowed at what I said. He doubt my answer. I laughed even harder at his face. I couldn't stop it, I squeezed his cheek.
Irritably, he removed it and glared at me.
Jungkook
Stop pinching my cheeks!*growled*
I just shook my head and leaned against his chest.
We are currently sitting on his couch and watching TV in the bedroom. I felt his shock and his tenseness at what I did.
I just smiled. Until now, he is still surprised by my actions. Because I became even more attached to him, became tender. I make an effort to cook him food every day with a sticky note!
Jeong guk also noticed what I was doing but the only surprising thing was that he didn't talk to me about it. But maybe that's better.
I felt Jungkook's hand go around my shoulder and kiss the top of my head. My heart beat faster.
I am now happy with our relationship. Relationship without label. We are like lovers in what we do, but we are happier when we feel the same.
Jungkook
I want to date you, Tae.
I heard him say so I looked up.
Jungkook
Yes, and I will talk to Jeong guk if I can go out with you.
Taehyung
*nodded and adjusted his seat* I'll help you. I hope we can get him to agree.
His bambi eyes sparkled at what I said. He has this cute bunny smile while looking at me.
He held my face and stared at it. It's like he memorizing every part.
Jungkook
You really look like my Jimin...
He added and smiled as if delirious. I smiled back at him, a bitter smile. Something squeezed my heart because of failure.
Taehyung
J-Jimin again? I thought, I made this clear to you last time? Forget about Jimin because you will be more trapped in your past.
I forced my voice to be full even though I was feeling crushed.
I feel like I want to lock myself in the bathroom and vent my feelings. I want to cry. It hurts to think that he is only doing all this because I look like Jimin.
Just his name makes me feel sick, what will happen when they meet? I don't think can handle it. I think I'm going to die.
Jungkook
I'm trying, okay? But I can't, it's hard because I love him. He's the only one who can heal me. No one else, not Jeong guk and not even you.
Tears welled up in my eyes because of what he said. He said it was even more painful. It's like my heart is being trampled on, so is my whole being.
I don't know if Jungkook is numb or wondering. Can't he see that I'm hurting? Does he not understand my feelings?
I took a breath and calmed myself, my eyes fell on my hand.
Taehyung
Y-You're just obsessed with him, Jungkook. You don't love him, you're just locking yourself in the lie that you have feelings for him. How can you say that? We're here to help you but he's still the you're looking for. Are you really like that, hm?
Jungkook
So what are you trying to say?!
I looked up when I heard the anger in his voice. He looked at me with glaring eyes.
Jungkook
I've gone crazy because of him! I've gone crazy because I love him so much! And then you will say that I'm not in love with him, that I'm just fooling myself? And what do you know about my feelings? You didn't even know me! You only know me by my name but you don't know my past! How I feel! *shouted*
At the same time as his tears were mine, he avoided looking at me and violently wiped his eyes
I tried to touch him but he avoided.
Taehyung
I'm sorry, Jungkook.
That's all I can say. Maybe I was just so hurt that I said that.
He nodded and turned to me, frowning and I was surprised when his hand suddenly raised and wiped my cheek.
Jungkook
I'm sorry too, I just miss him that's why I said those things.
Instead of settling down, my tears seemed to flow more and more. This is difficult when you love someone who loves someone else.
You will always be hurt but you have to bear it because it is your fault that you fell.
He came closer to me and hugged me.
Jungkook
Sshhh, stop crying. babe. I'm sorry... *said softly*
I bit my lip and hugged him back. let myself settle in while feeling the warmth of his body.
I smiled and closed my eyes. I hope we can always be like this. If only time could stop so that we could always hug each other.
Jungkook
*stroke his back*Do you want pasta? I can cook for you.
I immediately separated from his hug and looked at him.
Taehyung
Will you cook for me?
It felt like something warm caressed my heart when he nodded.
I stood up and pulled him.
Taehyung
Let's go! *smile*
He laughed at my reaction. Who wouldn't be happy if someone you love cooks for you?
After we went down to the kitchen, I saw Nanny and Claire currently resting while talking at the table.
When Nanny looked at us, I smiled and came closer. I glanced at them both.
Taehyung
Good afternoon, Nanny. Have you eaten yet.
She gave me a smile and nodded then looked behind me. To Jungkook.
Nanny
Good afternoon to you too, Taehyung, Sir Jungkook. Would you like me to cook you a snack? *about to stand up*
I immediately grabbed her arm and stopped her from standing.
Taehyung
*shakes his head* Don't worry. The truth is that Jungkook will cook
Nanny's eyes widened and I knew she was happy.
Nanny
Well that's good. Would you like my daughter to help you, Sir Jungkook?
I looked at Claire who was currently staring at me. So when I caught her gaze, her face turned red again.
Jungkook
No need, Nanny. I can do it by myself. And please, don't call me Sir, just Jungkook.
Jungkook said with his cold voice. I snorted and glanced at him.
I saw his irritated face again. I wondered but didn't ask.
I only looked away from him when I felt the two(Nanny and Claire) stand up. I frowned as looked at them both.
Nanny
Taehyung, J-Jungkook. We still have something to do at the warehouse, we'll go first.
Before I could say a word, they left. Claire was bent down so followed her gaze.
Why is Claire always like that? It's like she really doesn't like me
I just stopped thinking when suddenly someone flicked my forehead. I snorted and frowned when I looked at Jungkook who was frowning.
Jungkook
Stop staring at her. I want your eyes only for me.
It seemed like he didn't say anything and then turned away.
I was left stunned as was deafened by the force of my heartbeat.
Author
Jungkook is such a mixed signal, no?
Comments
Sasusa
yah really confusing
2023-09-08
1
¢нєєяƒυℓ αℓαzηє..... 🥰🥰
I am feeling all these emotions.... like can't say my reality out loud ..... can't be the real me.... and sometimes I feel like worthless.... 😅😅
2023-08-18
2
Layla Roseé
I feel this so deeply
2022-10-29
9