Ponderous

“You think raccoons are cute? Hey, you’re cuter.”

Beomgyu couldn’t perceive why the two weren’t dating. The two being his friends, Yeonjun and Soobin.

It wouldn’t add up. They both owned decent amounts of hearts, were genuinely good friends and, on top of that, were visibly comfortable with each other. Wasn’t that enough to give them the irrevocable push? What was holding them back?

Their back and forth game had been going on for a little over a year and Beomgyu wasn’t certain with how Soobin had managed to keep it in. How he had been able to conceal everything he was so clearly feeling had remained a mystery. It was tortuously obvious how the boy was flustered by the older, yet he initiated no change. Neither of them did.

Soobin always had his eyes on Yeonjun, his expression affectionate as his soft gaze spelt out his love for him. His mere presence was enough to ease him. It showed he was willing to wait, no matter how long it was.

Their display made Beomgyu wonder what it was like to be in love yet again. What it was like to share those fleeting, feathering touches, hardly there. To subtly have your heart pick up its pace when that specific person looks your way. He pondered over what it would be like to home the rush of adrenaline from the most trivial of actions having tremendous effects. To be loved in that way.

He never possessed a sweet love like that. Maybe he had, but what was once his most enamoured memories had morphed into things he frantically wanted to forget. He didn’t need a wicked repeat.

All of a sudden, he felt displeased and annoyed with himself. He felt angry for thinking of love— of weakness so frequently throughout the last few days. Up until a while ago, he never thought twice about what it would be like if he had fallen once again. He never thought of love as a whole. He never had a problem with it nor had it crossed his mind all that much. It was never an obstacle in his life ever since his last relationship.

What had changed?

It was like a switch had abruptly flipped and the thought of being someones was carved irritatingly in his mind. As if everything he’d so desperately dodged and avoided had barged back in and sat down, refusing to get back up. No matter what he’d do he would eventually think back to the unattainable possibilities.

It wasn’t that he wanted it. It was all a jumble of ‘what if’.

Still, it didn’t make him resent it any less.

“Gyu,” Yeonjun beckoned him from the opposite side of the table. He was sitting beside Soobin, their shoulders brushing despite the broad scope of the booth, “how’s the bet going?”

“It’s going,” Beomgyu grumbled, mood foul from his mess of thoughts.

Yeonjun clicked his tongue, brushing back his brown hair. “No, I mean, is he into you yet?”

“I don’t know,” he mumbled, fiddling with his glass. He didn’t think Taehyun was, but he didn’t feel the need to express it. “He hasn’t shown signs or anything.”

“Maybe he’s good at hiding his feelings,” Yeonjun smirked, egging him on.

Soobin poked Yeonjun's side, an exaggerated frown playing at his lips, “Why are you feeding into his ego?” he pouted, “You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“I know. I’m rooting for you, babe,” Yeonjun ridiculed, amused by how quickly Soobin’s face crimsoned at the pet name. To Beomgyu, it was quite revolting. What would the two be like if they were together when they acted like it now? “Still counting on that date.”

Something in his voice had explicated that he was earnest. Still, Soobin had been entirely oblivious to the invitation, scoffing and turning his head away. His conscious had seemed absent despite the open words.

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, desperate to bypass another infuriating third-wheeling session. “Where’s Kai? Why is he so late?”

“He isn’t coming,” Yeonjun informed him, raising an eyebrow. “You didn’t know?”

Shaking his head, he frowned. “Why?”

Soobin piped up, voice wary. “He’s hanging out with Taehyun.”

“What?” Beomgyu gaped. Despite asking, he hadn’t expected that response. Something inside him had started burning, giving off a degrading feel. “He’s with Taehyun?”

Soobin nodded nonchalantly, “Yeah, he said he was going to spend some time with ‘taehyunnie’,” he revealed, stressing on the nickname.

Beomgyu grimaced at the use. He’d called him that once over text, only to coax him, yet Hueningkai was already on nickname basis? How was it so easy for him?

He guessed Hueningkai was universally accepted by everyone.

“Since when are they even friends?” Beomgyu voiced his distaste, suddenly jittery. “How did he befriend him so quick?”

“Are you jealous?” Yeonjun teased, undoubtedly understanding his body language.

Jealous? Beomgyu felt envious often, but never for anything as trivial as this. He homed the feeling for drastic things, ones that would greatly benefit him if he possessed them. It started with a hollow feeling gnawing at his chest only to grow and push him to act on it.

Was he feeling that now?

“No,” Beomgyu immediately shot him down, his defences coming into action faster than his common sense, “jealous of what? Taehyun and I are already friends. I just don’t want Kai to find out.”

“Okay, sure, Gyu,” Yeonjun grinned, voice spirited. He had the type of personality where he’d exaggerate any topic despite knowing its authenticity. He meant no harm, Beomgyu just had to remind himself that. “Have you even properly flirted with him?”

“Uh,” Beomgyu looked down, “no.”

He’d tried to be subtly lowkey with his approach towards Taehyun, certainly stalling his rate on this race. He hadn’t made any drastic moves or even fitly initiated any romantic interest. Beomgyu wasn’t sure he knew how.

“Soobin already won at this rate,” Yeonjun joked, resting his hand on Soobin’s leg. The boy's face coloured a vivid pink at the movement, ducking his face in an attempt to cloak the blush.

“Give me a while,” Beomgyu groused, “I’ll have him wrapped around my finger.”

Yeonjun shrugged, not wholly buying the promise. Either way, he dismissed the conversation, sparking up a new justification to call Soobin cute.

While the two resumed their measly banter, Beomgyu was decided he was determined to attain the upper hand on their bet. Yeonjun’s words had seemed to warn him of the ticking clock he had looming over his head.

The boy wasn’t wrong. He’d made no progress. They were friends but that label meant nothing towards the bigger picture.

Frustrated, he fiddled with his phone under the table before deciding to text him. He’d have to make his own progress.

^^^—:^^^

^^^hi taehyun!!^^^

^^^if you’re free today, do u want to hang out?^^^

^^^ive got nothing to do^^^

^^^well i have some assignments but i’m looking for an excuse to further procrastinate so^^^

kang taehyun:

you should work on those assignments, hyung.

^^^—:^^^

^^^they aren’t due for a while !!^^^

^^^like... next week^^^

kang taehyun:

that’s close.

you're going to regret not doing it.

^^^—:^^^

^^^i knooow but i’ll cross that road when i get there^^^

^^^please >:^^^

kang taehyun:

hmm

i’ll hang out with you if you agree to work on your assignment.

i have some work to do too so we could just

work on our stuff together, i guess.

^^^—:^^^

^^^):<^^^

^^^that’s no fun!!!!^^^

kang taehyun:

no one said college was fun, beomgyu.

^^^—:^^^

^^^not unless you make it be^^^

^^^fine i’ll work on the stupid assignment >:^^^

^^^you can come to my dorm and we can work there^^^

^^^maybe order some food^^^

kang taehyun:

sounds good to me.

^^^—:^^^

^^^i’ll send over my address^^^

kang taehyun:

i’ll see you, hyung.

..._________________________...

Taehyun had arrived not less than two hours ago, a backpack filled to the brim with papers and several books. Beomgyu didn’t think he was serious about them studying together, hoping to throw away the work after a few minutes and call it a day.

Clearly, the younger had other ideas, adamant on the older doing his work. After a while of protests, he finally convinced the older to try work on his things. Taehyun was sat on his couch, seemingly imprinting the words on his book into his mind. Beomgyu took for the floor beside the coffee table, his guitar resting idly beside him with his laptop on the other side.

It wasn’t an awkward experience. Beomgyu actually found himself getting more done in someone else’s presence.

Meanwhile, after a rough hour, Taehyun seemed to be nodding off, losing interest as time passed. In all honesty, the boy seemed fatigued from the minute he stepped into the dorm, body slagging with each movement. Beomgyu wasn’t sure if he had classes earlier which might’ve drained him of his energy, but he looked moments away from passing out.

Taehyun was leaning his head in his hand, elbow resting on the armrest. He had his textbook sprawled over his lap, unused. His eyes were fluttering closed, an attempt to stay awake unmistakably shown.

“How’s the camera?” Beomgyu disputed, already bored with his music theory assignment. He'd strived to catch his attention, watching as he blinked repeatedly as if he was processing the question.

“It’s still at the repair place, but it’ll be fine,” Taehyun returned after recollecting himself, mindlessly flipping a few pages as if he were genuinely paying attention in the first place. Beomgyu had to stop himself from giggling at his sleepy state. “Thank you, again, for paying.”

“Ah, it’s okay,” Beomgyu shook his head, setting down his notepad, “you don't have to thank me.”

Taehyun seemed to ponder on a thought before speaking softly. “Are you feeling okay?”

Beomgyu took a pause, raising an eyebrow at the younger boy. He wasn’t the one nodding off, nor did he feel out of place. What was he concerned about? “Yeah, of course,” he reassured him, lips pulled into a frown, “why?”

“Uh, it’s just,” Taehyun shrugged, looking towards him with solicitude, “I was wondering after what happened a few days ago, you know? You seemed really… shaken.”

Their encounter with the heartless man. Beomgyu’s state of panic.

Of course, he hadn’t forgotten. Why would he? Beomgyu himself couldn’t shake the lingering feeling that had been handed to him that day. He wasn’t sure if he ever would.

No matter how many times he tried to reassure himself otherwise, he felt he was looking in a mirror when he faced the man. Not one which showed his current state, but one that displayed where he’d eventually wound up. It was driving him mad.

“Oh,” he stammered, fiddling with his fingers.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn't have asked,” Taehyun shook his head, already taking notice of the gravity the topic held. “We dont have to talk about it.”

“It’s fine— I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. I've already forgotten," he lied.

Taehyun nodded at that, facing his book once again. Beomgyu didn’t feel the need to get back to his work, instead deciding on trying to read the neutral expression the younger was sporting.

Beomgyu watched as his eyes scanned the page, moving across each line delicately before they trailed off yet again. His eyelids were dropping, long, thick eyelashes fanning delicately over his freckled cheeks.

His features were soft yet defining, pink lips pursed daintily. Faint red hair was falling feebly over his eyes, slightly messy and curling naturally. His freckles were dusted over his cheeks, almost indistinguishable unless you really pay attention.

Beomgyu wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen someone so truthfully pretty.

Instantaneously, he shook his head free of those thoughts. This was the reason he was getting absolutely nowhere.

“Are you tired?” Beomgyu interrogated despite knowing the answer.

Taehyun regained his attention at that, scoffing tiredly. “Is it that obvious?” he smiled, rubbing his eye.

“I mean, you seem really out of energy,” Beomgyu grinned, satisfied when the younger finally shut the huge textbook.

“I am,” Taehyun groaned, running his hands through his hair repeatedly, “I was out working late last night.”

“You have a job?” Beomgyu wondered aloud, surprised by the slip of information. How did he even have time for a job with the hoard of classes he had?

Taehyun’s hands had stopped moving, pausing midway. His abrupt change of movement had suggested he didn’t mean for the fact to be let out, an accident pursued by his tired mind.

“Uh, yeah,” he shrugged, “it’s just a side thing for some extra money, I guess.”

“What do you work as?”

“Gym receptionist,” Taehyun informed him, voice closed off. He paused before adding, “Sometimes I tutor. Only for a few people in my classes and…” he trailed off, trying to collect his thoughts, “yeah, just some side jobs,” he muttered instead.

His stance and tone had insinuated he didn’t want to further explain, mildly uninterested in the topic and slightly awkward. He wasn’t mentioning something.

Beomgyu didn’t further touch upon it, a silent understanding his way.

“You can take a nap if you want,” he proposed instead.

“Here?” Taehyun scrunched his nose. “No, that’s okay, hyung. I’ll just sleep early today.”

Beomgyu picked himself up from the floor, “Come on, Tyun,” he tested, satisfied when the younger boys eyes slightly widened at the nickname, “better to get some rest now than to be tired the whole day.”

Taehyun seemed unconvinced, watching Beomgyu with his soft doe eyes as he manoeuvred around the room. The elder reached for a remote before setting himself on the couch, a safe distance away from Taehyun.

“We can watch something,” he suggested, already switching on a streaming site, “I’ll put something on. When you feel like sleeping just tell me,” he suggested.

“Okay,” Taehyun finally gave in, setting his things onto the coffee table and getting comfortable.

Beomgyu put on a movie he’d already watched, giving it little to no mind. He expected the younger to go through with at least half before voicing his tiredness.

Only, Taehyun hadn’t lasted even ten minutes.

Before the real storyline had been showcased, the younger boy was out cold. His head was nestled uncomfortably on the head of the couch, chest rising and falling steadily. His lips were parted slightly, his eyes screwed shut.

Beomgyu grinned at the sight, a nostalgic perception playing at his chest even though he’d never experienced this said moment. Nevertheless, it sparked a warm familiar feeling only for it to feel foreign at the same time.

“Taehyun, hey,” Beomgyu spoke softly, touching his shoulder as not to startle him to wake, “you need to lie down properly. You’ll wake up sore.”

The red-haired boy mumbled something incoherent, showing no sign of actually comprehending his words.

“Hey, wake up,” Beomgyu chuckled, delicately fixing his red hair as he brushed it away from his eyes with the tips of his fingers.

Taehyun barely cracked his eyes open, sparing a single look his way. He leaned into his touch subtly, barely awake. Beomgyu’s heart picked up its pace at the small, almost insignificant play, beating abnormally against his chest.

The younger met his eyes for a second before diving down to rest his head on Beomgyu’s lap instead, unbeknownst to the effect the small action had on him. In seconds, he was back in his sleep in a much more comfortable position.

For a while, the older simply sat there, waiting. For what? He didn’t know. He expected Taehyun to sit up yet he made no indication that he’d actually move.

Beomgyu didn’t know what he was waiting for when he asked Taehyun to come over, but it certainly wasn’t this. His mind was a jumbled mess of thoughts and he couldn’t tell why.

There was that unusual pitter against his chest again.

Nothing was out of the ordinary with what was happening yet he couldn’t figure out what to do.

What could he do anyway?

His movements were restricted with the human weight resting on him, rooting him to place. It was definitely out of character, but, either way, he couldn’t bring himself to wake him up.

Funnily enough, he found himself tempted to run his fingers through the mess of red hair. Was it as soft as it looked?

He couldn’t fathom if it’d wake the younger up and spark an awkward conversation. One that would set him back miles away from his goal. Was his goal even his main concern right now? Still, he didn’t know where to put his hand. He couldn’t tell if he’d be crossing a line or doing any good.

Without further thinking, he tentatively rested his hand over Taehyun’s head, gently caressing. Taehyun didn’t stir in his sleep at the action. In fact, once Beomgyu worked the courage to card his fingers through the red strands, the boy further relaxed. He worked them slowly, gradually building in confidence.

The younger’s body had been tense all over and, at Beomgyu’s touch, he seemed to lose all that pent up tension, easily flowing out of his body. His chest rose and fell steadily, fully relaxed under his touch.

Beomgyu unknowingly smiled, twirling his fingers in his curls. It was a solemn smile, one he tried to keep down only for it to fight its way back. His hair was exactly how he’d imagine it to feel. It was well kept, cloudy soft and felt natural under his touch, grounding him completely.

Taehyun didn’t wake despite the feeling. It seemed he hadn’t rested for weeks with the way he was so deep into his sleep.

The elder settled for letting him rest on his lap. He wouldn’t wake him for now. Instead, he senselessly watched the film, his hand raking through the fluffy locks rhythmically.

..._________________________...

Inevitably, Beomgyu had to move. His leg had grown numb under the weight and the same position had grown uncomfortable.

He managed to slip a pillow under his head instead, amused by how easily Taehyun cuddled into the cushion spontaneously. His curly hair had sprawled over the pillow, cheek pressed and squishing against it.

Beomgyu thought he looked completely at ease. He looked sweet.

At the sudden spark of the thought, he felt the need to occupy himself in attempt to rid of it. He busied himself with his assignment, allowing the boy to further rest. He didn’t entirely mind it. Authentically speaking, he felt partially delighted that Taehyun had agreed to rest despite not being able to develop their relationship.

Still, he felt like he was getting nowhere. Beomgyu didn’t know what to do with himself at this point.

In an attempt to keep his mind busy, he jumped to order food. The day was advancing slowly and he’d grown hungry and wanted to divert his attention to prevent wherever his mind could go.

Within less than half an hour, the food arrived and he was back on the couch, guitar in hand. He was strumming mindless chords, playing a few tunes before realising he was making no progress.

Not only in his assignment, but in the bet, too. He didn’t know what he was thinking when he challenged Soobin like that.

He decided not to dwell on it. Hastily, he placed his guitar down and moved to crouch in front of Taehyun, who was still sleeping soundly.

Beomgyu placed his hand on his shoulder gingerly, shaking softly. “Taehyun?” he tested, tapping him again when he got no response, “Tyun, hey, wake up. It’s getting late.”

“Time?” Taehyun spoke with a husky, groggy voice, barely opening his eyes. His lips formed a natural pout, face still squished on the pillow.

“Almost seven,” Beomgyu grinned when he was finally met with the familiar warm eyes. He couldn’t hold the eye contact.

“I slept for that long?” he queried, trying to blink away the sleepiness as he squinted against the light.

“Yeah, you were out cold,” Beomgyu giggled.

Taehyun seemed to still be half asleep. He hadn’t entirely regained his conscious despite having both his eyes slightly opened. Beomgyu realised that when he caught the younger staring at him, gaze never faltering. The younger watched his lips intently as he talked, eyes running over his face repeatedly.

Beomgyu cowered under the gaze, face warming an unusual heat.

“I ordered some food,” he blurted, catching Taehyun’s attention. The boy seemed to wake at that, recollecting himself and finally sitting up.

As Beomgyu prepped their meals, Taehyun scanned the disregarded books and materials, huffing disappointedly. “I barely got anything done.”

“At least you got a decent sleep,” Beomgyu handed him his food and a pair of chopsticks, “that’s something.”

Taehyun laughed at that, shaking his head, “First time in a long time.”

Beomgyu didn’t question it.

They fell into an easy conversation after that, basking in each other’s company. Although the topic required minimal attention, Beomgyu found himself drifting astray every so often. He kept getting distracted by little things.

It wasn’t his fault, though.

It wasn’t his fault Taehyun looked considerably smaller in his oversized t-shirt, body barely framed by the baggy cloth. He was practically swimming in the fabric. It wasn’t his fault that the boy's red hair was situated haywire, curly strands standing and pointing outwards cutely.

It wasn’t on him. He had nothing to do with the fact that he kept getting distracted with how soft Taehyun had looked at the exact moment.

He couldn’t blame himself for watching as his soft-looking hands work at the utensils. He didn’t blame himself when he raked his eyes over his soft features, the soft glow of the room doing justice to highlight them.

He couldn’t blame himself, but he could feel bad about it.

The two didn’t mention his sleeping position nor did they talk about Beomgyu playing with his hair. He wasn’t sure if the younger really knew but it might’ve stricken a cumbersome conversation.

After an agonising hour, Taehyun declared that he’d be leaving. It was already dark outside and his building was at quite a distance. Beomgyu readily let him leave, thanking him for agreeing to meet up.

As soon as he disappeared around the corner of the hallway, Beomgyu shut the door with a dejected sigh. He slid down the door, sitting on the floor with his face in his hands. His mind had been a continuous rollercoaster throughout the entire day, tiring him to the end.

He invited Taehyun over to advance with the bet due to Yeonjun’s concerns. Had he even done anything to his benefit? Beomgyu expected himself to swiftly flirt his way throughout the day, except he never brought himself to it.

Instead of voicing the compliments, he kept them to himself, having them linger in his mind. Unwillingly so.

He so often thought of Taehyun’s features ranging from his captivating eyes to his faint freckles. If it was so easy for him to think of these, why couldn’t he voice them? It made Beomgyu think he was good at flirting, but only in his head. Was that even a thing? He’d only thought of those with the intention to flirt with him, right?

It was a frustrating game and he felt like he was going in circles.

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