Disquietude

Beomgyu was stuck.

Even though Soobin had seemingly influenced him to abandon the thought, he wouldn’t let it leave his mind. The restless curiosity of what Taehyun might’ve wanted from him lingered in his mind throughout the entire day. It shouldn’t have bothered him to the point of agitation, but he couldn’t control his concern.

He believed that maybe Taehyun would ultimately text him and let him know, yet nothing came. Nothing was sent to reassure him nor put rest to his racing mind.

It gave him a sparse feeling of déjà vu. A complete repeat of the time he’d waited so diligently for Taehyun to text him only to receive nothing in the end.

Why it racked at his spirit, he didn’t know. He thought he was just eager to complete the bet, seeing as his time was rapidly ticking. Eager to prove he was capable of redeeming himself.

It definitely tainted his confidence.

He couldn’t exactly blame Taehyun, though. The boy appeared notably busy, especially as he was balancing both his majors. On top of that, he missed quite the workload. Beomgyu wasn’t sure if he would’ve succeeded through that.

Still, it irked him. Was he wasting his time on a lost cause?

He waited until two days later to text him first. Beomgyu told himself he wouldn't, but the curiosity was eating him up from the inside, pushing him to simply settle it and let it rest. He only had one class later that day and he needed something to distract himself from the constant pestering of his mind.

Surprisingly, Taehyun responded faster than he’d awaited.

^^^—:^^^

^^^hey, taehyun!!^^^

^^^you came by the music department a few days ago and hueningkai told me you were looking for me?^^^

^^^i was just wondering why ahaha^^^

kang taheyun:

i did?

ahh, yeah, i did.

it’s nothing important don’t worry about it.

^^^—:^^^

^^^well now i’m just curious >:^^^

^^^what was it?^^^

kang taehyun:

it’s really nothing important, hyung.

really silly, too.

^^^—:^^^

^^^come onnn^^^

^^^pleaseee tell me^^^

^^^taehyunnniieee ):^^^

kang taehyun:

okay, okay.

uh

i just bought you a small keychain.

i felt kind of bad for ditching you so suddenly so i bought it later on and wanted to give it to you.

it’s a rice ball kind of keychain, you know?

🍙

yeah, looks a bit like that one.

i don’t know why, but it reminded me of you.

^^^—:^^^

^^^oh^^^

^^^that’s so cute !!^^^

^^^can we meet so i can take it? ><^^^

kang taehyun:

ah, maybe later.

i have a class right now.

^^^—:^^^

^^^ill walk you there!!^^^

^^^kang taehyun:^^^

^^^oh, no, it’s okay.^^^

^^^you don’t have to do that.^^^

^^^—:^^^

^^^might as well tell me where u are because i’m already leaving my dorm^^^

kang taehyun:

really? hyung, you seriously don’t have to.

^^^—:^^^

^^^):^^^

kang taehyun:

alright alright

ill send my location.

^^^—:^^^

^^^see you :>^^^

...__________________________...

Beomgyu met Taehyun halfway to his class, keen to catch up before he’d advance. It was easy to spot the head of red hair in the distance, finding it familiar to do so.

When he approached him, Taehyun had given him the small keychain as soon as he was stood in front of him, professedly embarrassed by the exchange. He brushed it off as a humble gift which didn’t mean much, oblivious of the way Beomgyu took it excitedly.

Beomgyu pocketed the keychain for safekeeping. He noticed Taehyun had kept his strawberry one on his backpack zipper.

The small action stirred at something inside of him.

“You have your camera?” Beomgyu remarked as they strolled along the sidewalk.

“Oh, yeah,” Taehyun marveled, touching the camera hung around his neck, “my professor is going to give us a concept at the end of the class. After that, I’ll wander around a bit to find some inspiration.”

Beomgyu nodded, “That’s nice. What kind is it?”

Taehyun grinned at the question, holding up the device proudly. “A Canon EOS 5DS.”

“Don’t know what that is but it seems high quality,” Beomgyu snickered, lost at the twisted name for the camera. “Sounds expensive, too.”

“It is,” Taehyun ridiculed. Beomgyu took notice in how he handled it with such care, something about his touch was delicate and Beomgyu could tell it held a lot more meaning than it lets on. He looked at it with a solemn smile, clearly initiating some positive memories. It meant a lot to Taehyun. “I would’ve never been able to afford it, though. Someone gifted it to me.”

Beomgyu hummed, “Can I see some of your work?”

Taehyun’s eyes widen at the request, sparkling with a type of astonishment. “Uh, yeah, sure,” he nodded eagerly, slipping the camera’s strap off from around his neck. He opened the diminutive device hastily as he balanced his books in his other hand. His fingers moved swiftly across the multiple buttons, comfortable and relaxed.

He handed it to Beomgyu smoothly as they walked, one of his pictures already displayed on the small screen. The older held the device securely in fear of possibly dropping it and damaging the prized possession.

“These aren’t edited so they aren’t at their best,” Taehyun was prompt to explain, voice audibly timid as Beomgyu flipped through the myriad of pictures.

As anticipated, his photos revolved majorly around landscapes and scenery. They ranged from angled photos of lush, flourishing plants to gradients of luminous sky’s. His images captured the most vivid and powerful aspects of the places, seemingly effortlessly. Even without editing, Beomgyu was fascinated.

“These look so good, Taehyun,” Beomgyu praised, solely concentrated on the photographs. There were reoccurring copies of each area, only from varied perspectives. It would’ve been monotonous but each of them were unique in ways Beomgyu wouldn’t have considered.

He didn’t know much about photography— nothing at all, really— yet these had him enthralled.

The tiny aspects of Taehyun had him enthralled.

“Thank you,” Taehyun beamed widely, a dimple making its way onto his right cheek. Another charming feature.

He leaned closer to Beomgyu in an attempt to see the screen, their shoulders practically touching at the proximity. Beomgyu shivered subtly at the feathering contact despite the midday sun, the closeness alarming him. He turned his head only slightly to glance at the younger boy, surprised with how close his face was.

His heart was unwillingly beating a little faster at that.

Why was he reacting that way?

Meanwhile, Taehyun appeared to give it no mind, pointing at the screen. “Most of these are for class projects,” he pouted, and Beomgyu noticed how plush his lips were.

How has he never gotten heartbroken? How has someone so entrancing and genuinely attractive never been victim to the curse? To submit to temptations? It was beyond Beomgyu and a balance shifted in his head. He felt it was unfair, even though the single heart on his wrist was his own fault.

Would it really be possible to dim one of those hearts?

All too suddenly, a figure bumped into them.

No, that was too modest.

A towering man quite literally shoved past them, resulting in the contents in their hands dropping out of grasp. Books, papers, and, most importantly, Taehyun’s camera.

It hit the ground with a heart-dropping crack.

The engagement promptly got a response out of Taehyun. He ran a panicked line of curses under his breath, hastily crouching down to check on the camera. Beomgyu could read the distress on his face from the crease of his eyebrows to the downwards tilt of his lips.

He looked back at the man who caused the raucous who was already walking away, unimpressed by his action.

“Dude, what is your problem?” Beomgyu cried out after him, voice trickling with resentment. “Watch where you’re fucking going!”

That seemed to strike a nerve. The man halted his track, hands buried deep in his pockets. He turned to face him.

Beomgyu was taken aback by how deadly emotionless he looked. It was like a bullet injected with shock had hit him square in his heart, the venom pumping throughout the length of his body and rooting him to the core. His angered expressed dropped, lips parting only slightly.

The man looked straight at Beomgyu with hooded eyes, empty. His irises were two pools of jet black, void of emotion or sentiment. They gawked at him down to his core and awakening something inside of him. He had hazy, distinguishable bags under his eyes as if he hadn’t rested for days and was riding on pure instinct.

His gaze didn’t falter. He didn’t look away as most people would. This man stuck his gaze on him, showing no sign of backing down. Beomgyu cowered under the nerve-wracking stare. He felt exposed, as if his fears and insecurities were floating atop his head without his permission.

The mans face was dull and fully relaxed, dry, cracked lips resting in place. His skin had seemed clearly uncared for, blotches if scabs and bumps littered over his cheeks and forehead. He wore discordant clothes, appearing as if he couldn’t care less with what he wore. What the world saw him as. His body was slim, muscles feeble and joints thin.

He had uneven stubble growing on his jaw and his hair seemed moments away from snapping off with how dry it looked. He appeared young judging by his stance, yet the gravelling look made him seem twenty years older. It struck Beomgyu to his core.

He’d never seen someone so detached from reality. So visibly lost.

Beomgyu felt like the breath was knocked out of his chest, genuinely stricken by the contradictory vitality from the boy. He didn’t even appear hostile nor sorry for his disturbing behaviour.

Still, it didn’t water down the sizzling anger Beomgyu felt for knocking into them without concern. He took a step forward to suitably confront him despite the doubt and fear he homed. What was he even supposed to say to a man who seemed to feel nothing? Would he even fight back?

Beomgyu couldn’t get far, though. One step in and he felt a soft hand enclosing around his wrist, long fingers cautiously holding him back.

The action immediately grounded him, bringing him back to his senses. It drained him down to the last drop of his malice. He peered back at Taehyun who was still crouched down, cradling the camera in one arm and holding his wrist back with his free hand. The younger looked at him in the eyes with a sincere look.

“It’s okay, hyung,” Taehyun spoke softly, eyes pleading at him to trust him.

Easily, Beomgyu let down his guard, shoulders dropping at the look he’d gotten.

Taehyun rose, still holding onto his wrist softly. “It’s okay, sir. No harm was done,” Taehyun bowed swiftly, much to Beomgyu’s distaste, “have a nice day.”

“What?” Beomgyu gaped, furrowing his eyebrows and glaring at the younger boy.

The man scoffed, the first authentic response the two had gotten from him. Beomgyu looked to him, alarmed, and watched as his lazy eyes trailed to where his and Taehyun’s hands were joined, especially lingering on his one heart.

Beomgyu felt self-conscious under his gaze, supremely uncomfortable with how long he gazed at his hearts.

“Foolish,” he grumbled, almost inaudible. His voice was monotone and gravelly which sent shivers throughout Beomgyu's body, making it impossible to distinguish what he was trying to initiate. With that meager remark, he turned and continued on his way, movements sluggish and indolent.

Beomgyu let out a breath of relief he didn’t know he was holding in.

Taehyun sighed, dropping Beomgyu’s wrist and taking the warmth with him.

“Is your camera okay?” Beomgyu hurriedly asked, seeing no extreme damage. At least it wasn’t in pieces.

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s fine,” Taehyun brushed him off, expressed disheartened, “the lens is really cracked, though. I’ll have to get it fixed.”

“Let me pay for it,” Beomgyu offered in an instant, “I’m the one that dropped it.”

“I can’t ask you to do that, hyung,” Taehyun grimaced, “I’ll save up for the repair. I’ll have it done by the end of the month.”

End of the month?

Why would it take so long for him to work up the money to pay?

Beomgyu frowned, “That’s so far away,” he stated, confused, “and you have your concept thing today. Let me pay for it, Taehyun. I swear it’s no problem.”

Taehyun looked at him with tired, solemn eyes. It looked like a heavyweight was lifted off of his back. “Thank you.”

“Why did you do that?” Beomgyu disputed once they started walking again. “Why did you hold me back?”

Taehyun flinched, refusing to meet his eyes. “That man had no hearts, Beomgyu.”

Beomgyu almost halted dead in his tracks, heart plummeting down to the depths of his body at the information. He spontaneously felt sick to his stomach, body dizzying and slowing down. His mind desperately jumped and grasped at unhealthy conclusions, clouding everything.

How did he not notice that? Why didn’t he check?

Would he turn out like that?

He felt nauseated at the thought, heart lagging down to an uneven and notched beat in his chest. His memory hazed with the vivid look the man so readily gave him, the one that had disrupted something in him. He knew something was wrong, but the fact that he had been stripped of love— of emotion was the last thing on his mind.

His vision began blurring, eyes burning as tears began glossing over them. They threatened to spill over his face and display his worry to everyone around him.

Beomgyu had never met someone with no hearts. He didn’t expect it to be so wrecking. So scarring.

The fact that he was on his last heart made it untenable for him to feel pity for the man. He couldn’t consider anything other than himself. His fate. It wouldn’t have affected him if he didn’t believe he was next in line for such a future.

He was fucking afraid.

His hands had started shaking.

Would he meet the same inevitable conclusion? Would he lose all his love and devotion for everything including himself?

He realized then that he wouldn’t only lose the people around him, but he’d lose himself, too.

He’d lose the self-love he’d spent years constituting and perfecting. He’d waste the devotion and consideration he had for himself, leaving him wrung and empty. He’d stop tending to his needs, leaving his body to rot from the inside back to the out without a single care.

All it took was one more heartbreak. One more heart break to rob him of his life.

“Beomgyu-hyung?” Taehyun’s voice called to him, concerned. He laid a delicate hand onto his shoulder, hindering them from advancing. “Beomgyu, are you okay? Breathe.”

Breathe.

He concentrated on his ragged breath, unaware of when he’d started breathing irregularly. Beomgyu gulped down the air, rapidly blinking back his tears and tired coming back to where he was needed.

His hands had stopped trembling and he recaptured his focus.

Taehyun was stood in front of him, eyes filled to the brim with apprehension. He withdrew his hand in fear of crowding his space and further spurring his panic. Still, he stood close.

“You’re okay,” Taehyun heartened him. His voice was hushed, only for the two of them to hear. He didn’t directly speak of the matter, giving outside comfort instead. Beomgyu was grateful.

He didn’t know what he’d do if he fully spiraled.

“I’m okay,” he agreed, watching as Taehyun nodded along.

Taehyun seemed to know exactly what he wanted, deciding against asking what was happening. He simply tilted his head, inviting Beomgyu to walk with him again.

Beomgyu took a few seconds to collect himself before voicing his concern. “Just because he doesn’t have any hearts doesn’t mean he doesn’t know basic human decency.”

“Yeah, it kind of does,” Taehyun spoke, the topic spiking at something inside of him. His voice was leaking with some sort of feigning malice, a type that completely set Beomgyu off.

“What?”

Taehyun kept his head down, fiddling with the camera. “No one outside of their circle gives two shits about people with no hearts. Everyone thinks they’ve brought it on theirselves and don’t offer any help,” he explained. Taehyun shook his head softly, scrunching his nose, “Or at least, that’s what I’ve heard.”

His voice held definite uncertainty.

Nervous, he played with the hem of his sleeves, making sure they concealed his pathetic, single heart.

Somehow, the encounter had contrived to slap Beomgyu back into reality, reminding him where he was and what he was doing in the first place. Reminding him of why he was doing it. He was getting carried away. He had less than two months. Focus.

They walked the rest of the way without mentioning it once.

..._________________________...

“What’s on your mind?” Soobin offered, setting his phone down on his lap.

Beomgyu had asked the latter to come over to his dorm room. There wasn’t a critical reason for the request. He just necessitated some sort of comfort after the emotional turmoil and conflict he’d put himself through today, needing some sort of light just to ground him one more time. To make sure he was seeing clearly.

Soobin had always been that person to Beomgyu.

When he came over to his dorm, he knew Beomgyu was looking for that feeling. He had brought over a few snacks and some games without being asked to.

Eventually, he knew he’d have to explain why he desperately needed Soobin.

“Taehyun and I met someone with no hearts today,” Beomgyu uttered from beside him.

The statement seemed to arouse Soobin’s interest. “Really? What were they like?”

“Nothing.”

“Huh?” Soobin blanked.

“Literally nothing,” Beomgyu echoed, feeling the same anxiety begin to boil inside him, “It was like I was looking at the human form of nothing,” he mumbled, “he seemed empty.”

Soobin seemed shocked by the information, yet he didn’t further ask. He knew Beomgyu was concerned about himself with the way he held his wrist.

“Gyu, don’t think about it too much. You’re not going there,” Soobin persuaded him, voice gentle, “I won’t let you. You hear me? I won’t let you.”

What if he couldn’t control it?

Nonetheless, Beomgyu nodded, accepting his promise. He didn’t want to further touch upon it.

Later into the night, he got a text from Taehyun.

kang taehyun:

my concept is “change”.

what the hell am i supposed to do with change?

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