Anticipation

Youthful people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes. It can be vile and unintentionally

scarring, at most.

Namely, Beomgyu had been subjected to the scam disguised by sweet nothings defined

by love. There wasn’t a formula or a guideline he could read and follow to secure him a reliable

shoulder to lay his head on. To offer himself. To him, it was all based on instinct and bad decisions.

So, he wasn’t entirely clear on how he could break the first of Taehyun's hearts, let alone make him fall for him in the first place. His scheme was a blurry track in a riotous, rainy night, the ending isle blocked by jagged bumps and pits.

He’d managed to stray so far from romantic involvement that he didn’t perceive what interested people anymore— what interested *him* anymore.

The day after he met up with Taehyun, he busied himself trying to catch up. It was hopeless with how he managed to rid himself of any thought of love. He’d grown so scared, so *afraid*, of losing himself that he couldn't even consider finding someone to fill that gap. He’d given away his all to people who didn’t give much mind, only to leave him with crumbled bits of himself, trying desperately to merge them back together.

Still, he *tried*. He spent the night intently watching movies based on all types of romance, ranging from cliche high school stories to deep, heart-wrenching scripts.

He was unamused when the central character got their heart broken and their faith was thrown away. He didn’t flinch when they found out there was no love in the first place. Beomgyu was used to it and what was supposed to be the sad turning point of the movie only bored him further.

Initially, no, he wasn’t entertained by the crying, the yearning, the comforting friends, the cheating, or the breakups.

He paid the most attention when the main couple was, well, *in love*. Or, at least seemed to be.

Beomgyu found himself leaning forward only slightly when he’d see them embracing each other or sharing a brief, affectionate kiss. He wasn’t appalled by it as he’d presumed himself to be. Instead, something inside him throbbed at seeing what he could have.

His stomach felt like it was caving in when he saw the two main characters laugh together, sharing charming kisses. His chest felt heavy and his shoulders weighed much more; as if they were homing two blocks of sheer hurt. He had that. He had something like that. He didn’t trust himself enough to have something like that again. It was worrying him beyond comprehension.

Safe to say, after the sixth film, he couldn’t bear the thoughts tumbling down on him and stopped watching, shutting his laptop closed with a soft slam. He laughed bitterly at the thought of his fondest memories with his past lovers morphing into the nightmares he tried to avoid. He was stuck inside them, desperately wanting to step away from his timeline and go to a place where he could just rest. It wasn’t an option, yet he still hoped.

Maybe he’d rest when he isn’t on the receiving end.

... __________________________...

...[11:03 PM] ...

^^^—:^^^

^^^hey taehyun! ^^^

^^^i know it’s late but i’m letting you know i’m free tomorrow so we can continue whenever you want!!^^^

kang taehyun:

yeah, i’m fine with that.

sorry, i’m a bit busy right now. can we discuss tomorrow?

^^^—:^^^

^^^oh yeah sure!^^^

kang taehyun:

ill text you tomorrow, i promise.

have a good evening, hyung.

^^^—:^^^

^^^you too !! ~^^^

...___________________________...

“What is up with you?” Hueningkai’s voice broke Beomgyu out of his thoughts, startling him to the point of a short flinch. He hadn't even noticed he was paying minimal attention to their conversation, having trailed into his mind.

It was roughly seven in the evening, the sun brimming the diminutive buildings on its way to set. Beomgyu was walking Hueningkai back to his dorm building and Soobin had eagerly tagged along. The older essentially joined to meet up with Yeonjun after, for reasons beyond Beomgyu.

That wasn’t his concern, though.

No, his concern was the fact that the entire day had gone by with nothing innovative. His day had rushed by with no messages from Taehyun. His empty inbox shouldn’t have bothered him as much as it did, yet it pestered at the end of his mind throughout his entire day. It wasn’t his fault, though. He was promised a text. Nonetheless, none came.

He was somewhat upset, but mostly pissed.

“What do you mean?” Beomgyu masked his conflict with a doubtful voice. The last thing he’d want is for Hueningkai to find out about the bet. The younger boy was too kindhearted and sympathetic. His heart and mind drove him to do everything in everyone's benefit. Being so close to him, Beomgyu had become subject to that treatment multiple times. If Kai were to find out he’d force him to drop it instantaneously.

“You’ve been checking your phone nonstop all day,” Kai pointed to the device clutched in Beomgyu’s tight grip, knuckles whitening unbeknownst to him. He relaxed his hand. “Is something bothering you?”

Beomgyu lowered his head, kicking at a small rock on the path. It was hard to lie to Kai, yet he did feel the need to hide this from him. “I’m just waiting for someone to text me, I guess.”

“Is it Taehyun?” Soobin asked excitedly, much to Beomgyu’s disappointment. “He isn’t texting you? I’m already win—“

“*Yes*, it’s Taehyun,” Beomgyu interrupted him with a cold bite in his voice. Soobin quieted at that, confused. Still, he understood the message he was receiving and didn't question his sudden flicker of irritation.

“Who’s Taehyun?” Kai inquired, voice leaking with curiosity as he was left completely in the blue. Before Beomgyu could come up with a plausible reply, another *lie*, a lightbulb lit over Kai’s head. “Taehyun? The new student that Soobin said had five hearts?”

*Great*.

“Uh,” Beomgyu blanked, “yeah, him.”

Kai nodded in recognition until his face morphed into that familiar confusion again. “Why are you waiting for him to text you? I thought you hated people with five hearts?”

Beomgyu saw Soobin open his mouth only to stop himself, pulling his lips into a tight line.

“Change of perspective, I guess,” Beomgyu mumbled, “trying to warm up to them.”

Kai beamed at that, adding more bounce to his steps as his hair jumped on his forehead with his enthusiasm. “That’s nice to hear, hyung.” he grinned widely. “I’m glad you’re opening up more.”

Beomgyu hummed, “Yeah… opening up.”

In no time, Kai changed the subject, chattering on about his day and whatever would unfold in his mind. Beomgyu mostly listened, leaving the rest of the talking to Soobin, who didn’t mention the bet at all.

Nonetheless, Soobin threw a few concerned glances his way. Ones Beomgyu intently ignored and disregarded.

He could feel the questions begging to be spoken beating at Soobin, so when they dropped Kai off at his dorm, he wasted no time firing his inquiries at Beomgyu.

“Why aren’t you telling him?” Soobin hastily questioned, eyebrows furrowed in distaste. “He thinks you’re *actually* going to drop your hate for those people.”

*Those people*.

It was no secret that Soobin didn't like them either. In fact, it was quite obvious. Even though he didn't home the same spiteful hatred, Beomgyu knew the older would feel safer trusting people *without* their five hearts. It was like a sign hung over them, warning the two not to engage.

Much to their dismay, Beomgyu was doing the opposite.

He scoffed bitterly, finding no joy in the situation. “He doesn’t know how wrong he is.”

“Why aren’t you telling him?” Soobin repeated more firmly once the younger dodged his question. Even though Beomgyu knew Soobin’s curiosity was tempting him to spill countless questions, the older was a considerate and patient person. They walked a bit, a few seconds passing by before Beomgyu eventually spoke.

“You know what Kai is like,” Beomgyu muttered dejectedly, “he’s too genuinely pure for this shitty world. He would tell me to back out or he’d straight up tell Taehyun before I could do anything. He wouldn’t do it to anger me, he’d do it for my good.”

Soobin sighed, tapping his finger against his thigh, “So you’re going to keep it from him?”

“As long as he doesn’t meet Taehyun, this doesn’t concern him,” Beomgyu shrugged nonchalantly.

Uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation, Soobin shifted the topic slightly. “He hasn’t texted you?”

“No,” Beomgyu laughed, for some unknown reason, “I offered to show him around some more but he said he was busy yesterday and he’d text me today.”

Soobin smirked, “Looks like he isn’t interested,” he joked, nudging Beomgyu’s arm. “Might as well pay up now. Maybe divide it and pay for my lunch every day.”

“In your dreams,” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, “I’ll text him later.”

Soobin made a disgusted face at that, scrunching up his nose. “Coming off as desperate at this point. He’s going to block you.”

“Ah, that would be a win for you, wouldn’t it?” Beomgyu frowned at the thought of losing that easily.

His mind trailed back to the night before. The picture of him curled up in his blanket with a pillow hugged close to his chest as he binged those movies was fresh in his memories. When he watched them, the interest between the characters had started so early on. What was he doing wrong?

He worried his detachment from bonds had stripped him of the ability to love, or the ability to make people love *him*. Had he strayed so far to the point of no return? There wasn’t a feeling which could replace the gaping hole homing his heart. None other than the one he avoided so desperately.

How could he make someone love him when he didn’t know what exactly the feeling meant?

“Beomgyu?” Soobin tapped his shoulder, “Something else is bothering you.”

Unable to hide anything from the older, he didn’t bother trying to lie himself out of the problem. “I just watched some things yesterday that kind of upset me,” he muttered. “It’s nothing related to what we’re doing, though. Don’t worry. Society problems or whatever.”

Well, he could lie a bit.

"Ah, those," Soobin grimaced, eating up his excuse. "Don't dwell on those. It's damaging to think so much about it."

...__________________________...

Beomgyu was on edge the entire way back home, hand itching to whip out his phone and ask why exactly he got bailed on.

When he talked with Soobin, something in him found its complement piece and clicked. He was overthinking over *nothing*. Beomgyu told himself he was letting his previous experiences cloud this new one. He reminded himself of his initial motive, reminded himself *why* he was doing it in the first place. Self-redemption, maybe, but in the bigger picture, it was something deeper.

He reminded himself he was thinking of things he couldn’t have. With the pathetic, single heart sitting on his wrist, he couldn’t give himself what he wanted. No matter how much he tried to tell himself he didn't want it, the bitter resentment playing repeatedly at the back of his head told him otherwise. There was no point in dwelling on it.

No matter, though. He distracted himself with more pressing matters. It was a toxic habit he had to burry his constant whirl of thoughts despite their size, but he stood by it nonetheless.

When he closed the door to his single dorm, he instantly went for his phone, throwing his bag wherever.

...[08:18pm]...

^^^—:^^^

^^^hey, everything alright?^^^

^^^just wondering since i haven’t heard from you all day^^^

As anticipated, he didn’t get a reply as quickly as he’d wanted to. In fact, he didn’t get a reply for the rest of the day. When he noticed he wouldn’t get one in the first hour, he shut his phone in frustration, feeling his opportunity slip through his fingers. Was it that easy for him to give up?

Unwillingly, this seemed like a reminder. Like a small, persisting creature was sitting in his ear and laughing, whispering ‘*I told you so. You’ve lost your ability to be liked*.’

How could he lose something he didn’t have in the first place, though?

Instead of feeding into the tempting despair, he abandoned whatever work he was scheduled to do and fell onto his cushioned bed, hugging his pillow close to his body. Without changing or tending to his needs, he tried to sleep with a clenched fist in his pillow and a heavy heart.

A heavy, single heart both in his chest and on his wrist.

...__________________________...

Beomgyu woke up to the sound of his phone going off repeatedly, invading his sound sleep. Squinting against the light leaking through the blinds, his body felt stiff from sleeping in his clothes from the day before. He ran a hand through his hair, haywire strands detangling through his fingers.

Slowly, picked his phone from the bedside table, groggily slumping back onto his pillows and checking his notifications.

Taehyun had texted him back.

...[06:28am]...

kang taehyun:

hey, beomgyu-hyung. i’m really sorry i didn’t text you yesterday.

i had a class yesterday and i spent the day studying to catch up for what i missed. i forgot we were supposed to meet up.

i appreciate your offer and if you’re still willing to, we could meet today?

sorry again.

i can make it up to you. maybe i can pay for your coffee or your breakfast? i know this nice place.

Beomgyu squinted at the messages, blinking slowly. He read over them a few more times, trying to process them in his reeling, tired state.

His delay in response seemed to set off more alarms from the other end, resulting in a sea of more overwhelming messages.

... [06:34am]...

kang taehyun:

i can't tell if you’re leaving me on read on purpose ah.

really sorry.

^^^—:^^^

^^^nono i didn’t leave you on read^^^

^^^i just woke up actually i don’t usually wake up at this time,,^^^

kang taehyun:

oh, i’m sorry for waking you.

i have a class soon so i thought i’d text you before i leave.

^^^—:^^^

^^^at 6am? that’s harsh haha^^^

^^^its okay tho no need to apologise! no hard feelings^^^

^^^in fact, i could use some breakfast now that i’m awake^^^

kang taehyun:

yeah, sure.

can we meet by the library? it’s the closest to my class building. from there we could grab some food.

^^^—:^^^

^^^no problem!^^^

^^^see you then!!^^^

kang taehyun:

yeah, goodbye!

...________________________...

Beomgyu was glad Taehyun was adamant about rescheduling. It put his motive back in place, setting an open path for him and helped rid of the doubts he had before. As expected, his desire to prove Soobin wrong overpowered the internal conflict, blinding him of his logic.

The younger had asked to meet him in front of the library, claiming it was close to his morning class. Beomgyu had no problem with that. It was closer to his dorm building, anyway.

What *did* bother him was the fact that the library was by the biology buildings when he was almost certain Taehyun was an art student. He was in Soobin’s media management class which contributed to the art department, after all. Besides, the two units were quite literally on opposite sides of the campus, giving no connections.

He was a little confused when he saw Taehyun by the library building, backpack slung low on his back as he intently scrolled through his phone.

Before he could call out to him, the red-haired boy seemed to notice his presence, raising his head and quickly pocketing his phone.

“Hey, Beomgyu-hyung,” Taehyun greeted him, a small smile playing at his lips, “the diner is just a few blocks away if you don't mind."

“That’s fine,” Beomgyu grinned at the comfortable honorific. *Progress*. Taehyun began directing the way, the older following close.

In no time, Beomgyu voiced his uncertainty as they crossed the street. “You’re in my friends' media management class, right?” he started in an attempt to learn more about the boy.

“Soobin, right?” Taehyun asked. “Yeah, we share a class. I talked to him yesterday.”

Beomgyu almost halted in his tracks at that. Why was Taehyun talking to Soobin? He wouldn’t have ratted him out. There was no way. Beomgyu knew, he was positive Soobin wouldn't have right out told Taehyum just to win a few extra dollars. He trusted the boy too much to doubt him like that.

Still, it rang some alarms.

Beomgyu tried to conceal the concern, “I thought you were majoring in the art department?”

“Uh,” Taehyun lowered his head, hands playing at the rim of his pockets, “I am.”

Something about his stance set Beomgyu off. It wasn’t hard to tell from the two times they’ve met up that Taehyun was quite a secretive person. He didn't speak of himself unless pointedly asked to do so, and even then, he still managed to avoid spilling too many facts about himself. Something about his character didn’t sit right with Beomgyu, further pushing him to dig.

“The library is by the biology department, though,” Beomgyu stated, voice laced in that common confusion.

Taehyun raised a hand to the back of his neckline, subtly scratching at the nape. “I’m majoring in molecular biology too,” he eventually revealed. Still, Beomgyu wasn’t sure why he was so reluctant to tell him. “Arts and molecular biology.”

“You’re double majoring,” Beomgyu gaped, impressed by the fact. “Isn’t that really challenging? On top of that, you probably missed a lot.”

Taehyun looked his way, “I’ll manage.” Something in his tone of voice begged Beomgyu to drop it. His replies were curt and agile, seemingly uninterested in the conversation, and, most noticeably, uncomfortable.

Easily, Beomgyu got the message and revoked his questions, pocketing them for another time and place. Although he was eager to grow close to Taehyun and heighten his chances of winning, he acknowledged he wouldn’t get anywhere by pushing him so early on.

With that, he withheld his curiosity and changed the topic.

The walk to the diner wasn’t too long, having been only a few feet away from their starting point. It was quite small and not many people filled the array of tables, giving a solemn vibe.

Taehyun seemed familiar with the place, though. He led them in with ease. When they were seated, he dropped his bag onto the floor with a sigh, running a hand through his silky hair a few times. Something was bothering him, but Beomgyu didn’t ask. It seemed Taehyun was easy to read.

He solely talked about other things, like where he’d take the boy after they ate. He dictated the best times to go to places and listed the departments on campus. Taehyun listened intently, but something was off with the way he nodded eagerly.

Beomgyu didn’t let it phase him.

When Taehyun was listing their orders for the waiter to note down, Beomgyu noticed how he was leaning on his elbow. His sleeve was creeping down his forearm, yet again showcasing the array of gleaming hearts. Subconsciously, Beomgyu pulled his own sleeves into his hands, trying to cover his own. He wasn't sure if Taehyun had noticed them. If he did, he certainly didn't show it.

Beomgyu looked around aimlessly, spotting others with at least one dimmed heart. It seemed Taehyun was the only one with a full set, yet it didn’t make him feel out of place. Beomgyu glowered at the thought. *What made him so special*?

There was that feeling again.

The familiar spiteful fill of *jealousy*. The same one that clouded his mind, spreading at such a swift speed as it ate hungrily at his better thoughts. It was like a devouring creature, desperate for redemption and willing to engage in whatever it had to.

He only wished he had more chances. At least one more which wouldn’t lead him to the inevitable, constant devoid of feelings. He wanted— he *needed* something to put a rest to the raging beast inside him.

That something was sitting right in front of him.

If he couldn’t give himself another go, he could take away someone else’s, it seemed.

“Why are you majoring in arts and molecular biology?” Beomgyu asked once the waiter had stepped away, the look he got making him impatient. He wouldn’t delve too deep, but he needed to start somewhere if he was going to gain his trust.

“I love photography,” Taehyun replied easily, avoiding the other half of the question. He hesitated for a second, seemingly recollecting his thoughts. “Someone I know gifted me a camera when I was sixteen. I didn’t think it would do me any good but I still ended up getting lost trying to find nice scenery to take pictures of.”

Beomgyu felt something click in his mind. This was good. It was progress. He remembered the short snippets of the movies where they’d talk about passions and whatnot.

“You only take pictures of scenery?” Beomgyu continued, tilting his head slightly in question.

“Yeah,” Taehyun scoffed, “people aren't even half as interesting to take pictures of.”

“Should I be offended?”

Taehyun smiled at him, amused. “Nah, don't take it personally,” he dropped his arm, “I’m never really interested in people, anyway.”

*Huh*.

That might’ve contributed to his lack of dimmed hearts.

Before Beomgyu could ask further, Taehyun seemed to process what exactly he said, doe eyes widening. He spoke almost instantly after. “What about your major?”

“I’m majoring in music,” Beomgyu took the bait, brushing it off as nothing. “Music history, theory, and literature mainly.”

“That’s nice. What do you play?” Taehyun egged him on. Beomgyu’s mind lingered on his declaration only a few seconds ago, yet he let it float. He wouldn’t bring it up again since he wagered the younger didn’t seem to *want* it to come up again, but he didn't let it slip.

“I can play a few things, but mostly guitar,” he smiled solemnly, “been playing since I was a child.”

Taehyun hummed at that. Beomgyu watched as he opened his mouth to shoot another question.

“There isn’t *really* a tour committee, is there?”

Except, it wasn’t a question he was anticipating.

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