WHY ME?

My life is quite a mess, but i never thought I'd end up in the floor cutting myself.

Hey, my name is Asenath, and today I'll tell you about my crazy life. My mom left when i was a baby, and I had a older sister. We both grew up in our father's side. At the age of 5 my dad finds another wife, with that a step mom came into our life. She always hated me while she loved my sister dearly. She treated me like I'm not a biological daughter of my dad, because I really look like my mom and she hates my mom. She screams and swears at me for no reason, when she gets a fight with my dad she just finds a reason to blame me. But after getting mad at me saying stuff like "YOU'RE JUST AN ADOPTED CHILD", "YOU DONT EVEN LOOK LIKE YOUR DAD", "YOU ARE SO UGLY", or any hurtful words that she think of, she just says "sorry" and tells me that "l dont have someone to vent my anger to, please dont tell this to your dad" and a murderous look while saying "or else you know the consequences". That word always shivers me so I remain quiet and act like nothing happened. The only person I have in my family is my Dad, he loves and cares for me even its just a little. But he doesnt know what actually I feel seeing him having a good smile with my sister and step mom.

School was the only place place that is safe for me, where I can always be alone, yes I di have some friends but when I comes to breaktime, recess, or lunch they'd go in groups and hangout. And I, I would go to the library and feel at peace, it was quiet, people barely went there, there are lots of books there for me to read, like Ancients, History, Chemistry, and Languages. But unfortunately the teachers noticed some students going up to the classrooms, they were quite strict about it, which they stopped the students from going upstairs, the library was upstairs so I couldn't goand be alone. So I just sat alone, there were people everywhere, they look at me as a poor dog. And i could see my friends laughing and chatting together, not just my friends but everyone in the school. I felt like i really dont belong there. So i just walked around the school and try to forget all about my problems.

But that was before, now we have a lockdown. At first I didn't like the sound od staying at home, because I would see my step mom everyday which is a nightmare to me, but my introvert self bloomed. I would close my windows, curtains and especially my door, and lock myself there watching anime, eat, sleep, and repeat. Because of that I got distant with my love once.

My online class started, I got elected as Class President , I was surprise because who would elect such a person like me, who is a mean loner at school. The first months of school was great, I finished all my assignments, I studied for hours because everyone in my class depended on me, but it went all down hill, I stopped doing my assignments, I got so stressed because I also had a common papers to finish, my task were just stacking up. And the day I could no longer cope started ,I had a mental breakdown, I broke some peace of glass, it just happened out of nowhere, before I could process what I just did I felt burning in my arm, a blood started to come out......and it didn't stop. The blood kept flowing in my arm, and I just cried till I fell asleep, I never smiled like how I used to, I couldn't think of a reason to live, and all what's in my mine is I wanna die.

Then my step mom and dad knocked on the door while i was laying down on the floor, I couldn't move or say something, its like I was paralyze. So my dad get the master keys and they went in to my room. My dad was shocked on he sees while my mom is smiling and murmuring a " wish you were dead". My dad urgently called an ambulance. And while waiting for the ambulance my dad ran to get a medecine kit and my stop mom left alone with me and she wispered through my ears " I would really be happy if you were dead", so that me, your sister, and your dad would live happily". Hearing those things didn't shivers me because i feel like I'm a corpse who has no heart and emotions. My dad went in and she kneeled beside me and held my hand saying with tears in her eyes "hang in there ase, the ambulance will come soon".

Then the ambulance came, I went straight to the OR then fell asleep.

I wake and saw my dad sitting beside me holding my hand. When he saw me waken up he shed into tears saying...

"Why did you do that?, You made me scared, do you know how scared I was when i saw you laying on the floor with so much blood in your arm? You were in a come for 2 days ase, I thought I... I would never see you again". Hearing those things made my heart broke and shed me into tears. And I ask God in a silent, "WHYYY? Why do I have to go through this one? Have I done anything wrong?

One month later

I was walking back to our house and I saw my mother's sister. I urgently called her and ask her about my mother like "where could she be?", "where can I find her?", she was a bit shocked when she saw me but after a few second she immediately hug me. She said " Let's talked inside our house dear, before your father sees me.

(Since the day my mom left us, our father said we must cut off our relationship with our mother's family and never talk to them. And I call my mother's sister "mommy")

So we went in inside her house. I ask her again what happened and why did she do that?. Then she started telling me the whole story.

mommy: Dear, I know how you feel and what you went through and i am so sorry for that. I am telling this on behalf of your mother. You are now grown up and you just look like your mom. The truth is that your mom got raped and you are the child of that person who raped your mom. She was about to go home in your house after work. It was a night time, when suddenly someone knocked her out. When she wake up all her clothes are torn and all what she did is cry. She went back to your house and pretends like nothing happened but every night she is crying while taking your sister a nap. After a few weeks, she found out that she is pregnant. And that is you. That's why she left when you where a baby, she dont want to see you but you really just look like your mom. Your father also knows about it and he accepted you and he treated like his biological daughter. Ase I am really sorry that you have been go through this one. I wish you could forgive your mom.

I was stiff and I felt like my whole world is about to collapsed. And after a few second I shed into tears while saying " The world is really cruel to me" and left. And while I was walking back to our house, I shed so many tears. I looked up the sky and saying " WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL TO ME?" and I passed out.

When I woke up, I am inside my room laying down on my bed. " I am still alive huh?!, saying that to myself. My dad went in and he is holding some food, I'm about to eat the food that my prepared for me but my step mom suddenly appeared and then I lost my appetite. " Im not hungry dad, please put it back" and I lay down on my bed and covers my whole body with my blanket. Suddenly someone sitted beside my bed and wispered to my ears......

" Why are you still alive and cameback you ugly!", "Get yourself killed" then left. Every night all I do was crying.

My dad had a bussiness trip so he'll be out in a week.

I went through the kitchen and saw my sister and my step mom having a nice meal. (My sister is a PhD collage student so she stays in here dormitory near her school) I went straight to the fridge to get some food to eat. Then someone pulled me hair all of the sudden, as I look back it was my step mom dragging me back to my room shouting

" WHO TOLD YOU TO EAT SOME FOOD? AND I DONT CARE IF YOU'RE HUNGRY YOU UGLY! GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM!" then she slapped me really hard side by side "NOW YOU MAKE ME LOST MY APPETITE!". My sister saw it but she didn't do anything to stop our step mom, she was just sitting there eand eating her meal like nothing happened.

Inside my room, I really am starving and telling and begging my sister to give me some food to eat but she just ignored me and said " i dont have a sister, we aren't even have the same blood!" then left. And because of hunger, I passed out.

When I woke up, I'm in the hospital. My dad, step mom and my sister was there. My dad told me that why am I doing this to me, why am I making myself starve, and why aren't you saying that you are in a depression? and who slapped you this hard? and shed to tears. I was about to told him the reason but my step mom gave me murderous look so I remained quiet.

(see yah on next chapter😗)

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