"Living Here" at 10

I had to go to language school everyday to prepare myself for undertaking the school's entrance exam. My brother and I were the youngest student in our language school being the next youngest was a girl from Thailand 16 years of age. So perhaps its because of our age, people are paying more attention to us. Or maybe I can say that they are matured enough to treat us kind as we are much younger than them.

We had to learn taking the public transport but not until months later. At the beginning, our grandmother would drive us and pick us up from the language center. The only thing that we have to learn is to start going to the food court and buy lunch to feed ourselves. How did my brother even able to queue in line and order his hamburger when he was much younger. All in all, we had to learn to take care of ourselves whether we like it or not.

The day we said farewell to our mother was the day "Living here" starts to sink in. I cried myself to sleep under the blanket for a few nights. I am sure my brother heard me but it can't helped because we share the same room. I don't know how my brother cope with it. I never asked but maybe perhaps he did too.

"Living here" meant we are all alone. It also simply meant to me :

I don't cry to avoid classes because noone will entertain me. It has became a responsibility to do so.

I settle my own lunch; it doesn't matter if you liked the food. You just have to buy and eat it if you don't want to starve. If you come across something you really liked, you will buy that particular dish or meal for as long as you can. For my brother's case was Burger King while mine was luncheon meat with tofu and rice. We were kids, and we feed ourselves as best as we could. With our standard, as long as we are full - it's healthy.

When fighting with my brother, we had to settle our own fights. Be it throwing things at each other, kicking, pulling or slapping. You do it all till the winner stands tall and the victim cries themselves under their blanket. Is not like our parents are going to stop any of us by pulling us apart. They can't.

When you had nightmares and crying your eyes out. It's just kids and nightmares which often times we don't even know why we ever cry. Then those nights are the ones that I appreciates my aunty for. She wasn't married at that time and was still staying with us. She would come to the room hearing my cries and took me to hers. Accompanying me and trying to soothe me back to sleep upon my continuous wailing for my mum. I honestly did not recall any nightmares back home but I had them since I started "living here".

The saying that goes "it's just a phone call away" is not as wonderful as they described it to be. What can a phone call do? Hello? But still, our mum calls us every night to say good night. When she called, I don't recall telling her we fought or we cried. At the very least, we rarely made her worry. All she ever knew was that all is good. As kids are easy to please, we were really happy just receiving a call.

Perhaps even as a child subconsciously we bear a subtle understanding of grasping the whole sutiation. Whether we like it or not. Subconsciously I know not to let my parents worry. Subconsciously life after 10 meant I grew up faster than many of them who were my age. But growing up teaches alot emotions and some were difficult to comprehend and understand.

It started at after 10 and took many more nights before learning that each and every happenings in life is somewhat...

Not understandable.

Not explainable.

Yet perhaps it is what it is. Accepting and adapting. Learning and Growing.

Living here at 10 opens up to me a whole world of new matrix that I as a child has to learn to master on my own.

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