When "Temporary" is Non Existance

Life wasn't that bad when you are pre-occupied with learning all then the alien languages including chinese since my dad believes that it is an important language to learn. I obliged to all that they planned and wanted me to take on. From english, chinese, drawing to speech and drama classes. Of course, other than we don't have a choice. Much of it is because I was a little clueless of what was going on.

Language classes took about 6 months in where we will be starting to try several school's entrance exams. Which obviously is not like a drama where all is as easy as attend, sit, snap and done. No matter how much money you have. Many schools especially top schools have high prerequisites which I don't even have to try since it will be just a waste of time. I am going through an examination for a seat in grade 5 so to say I would be expected to use my 6 months language knowledge and sit for an exam which requires probably years of learning the language. Is it possible?

May the odds be with me.

At that point of time, i would not even consider any grades as long as they will accept me in. Eventually I sat for 5 exams and perhaps in one I got lucky and got in to a pretty much a good decent school. My mum will visit us every 3 months and stayed for almost 2 weeks each visits.

Which gradually her visit get lesser when we were quite settled down and my younger sister started her schooling back home. And the going gets tough though I did not tell her much but sure we all could imagine. No matter how, at grade 5; I was a transfer student. Nothing seemed wrong there but what if I explain the situation as such.

At the grade and age where like me back in my hometown, I have my group of friends which at that time and age we will call each other "best friends or good friends". Friends who you send time with each day in school. Then suddenly, I was placed in a foreign land, with a language i barely master. These limitations meant I had very difficult time trying to make friends. You cannot just come into a group of buddies and expect them to straight away accept you as one of them when they probably have known each other since grade 1. Not only language is a barrier, you might not be in sync for being of a different culture. To make things worse, is not like they have a few new comers.

I was the only one.

To make things awkward, the home room teacher simply said "grade 1 is downstairs" upon seeing me standing at the door. Which I had to politely replied "I am grade 5 student" . I can see how flushed she was but I am not quite sure if she felt my akwardness when all my classmates laugh at her remarks. But a good laugh. I wasn't bullied not during my school years. I am considered a small built. I am not very tall but I don't look that bad and because of this, I mastered my first 7-inch heels at age 12.

For two years, I stayed in that school.

I had bad grades. Just passing mark for all. Except my chinese because I met an awesome tutor which teaches me that I can "get points" through some tricks. She trained me to look for keywords and that was how I managed to get good grades for it. Most of the time I had to memorize, memorize and memorize.

I managed to join the athletic club and aced my 100M sprint which enrolled me to be in the school team representing my school for yearly competition. My only glorious moment and achievement then.

I met my first away from home best friend then and we have been in touch even till now. Her existence taught me that something do lasts.

I managed to get pass my 2 years of grinding and adapting to this new country partly because I have great company. As good as things are, there are days and times where we often call it as bad hair days.

Days where everything that can go wrong went wrong and everything that should not follow suit. There were days where the going gets tough and I missed home. Within these two years, there were several episodes of these unexplainable feeling and words that one just wants to go home.

As much as I did not want my parents to worry. Sometimes, as a kid. They just had to have it their way. When kids don't know how to control and explain their emotions. They cry. Hoping to express their ultimate disappointment, getting their message across.

I cried in full mode disapppintment, sadness and the unanswerable question "why do I have to be here?"

"Why?"

Noone can answer that. Even my dad's most logical answer, did not make sense and unacceptable to me. I was a kid. How do I understand:

"It is a step back in your education if you return home"

I do now, but back then. We are not even on the same page. Can any 10 years old understand that? Well, I don't. All I know is I wanted to go home and why can't I.

I cried for 2 years.

At 11.

I stopped.

I stopped knowing that I cannot. What mad emy determination was the thought of because my said so. I believed him even half-heartedly. Then maybe, if I had cried more, they would just allowed me to.

From then on I believed that temporary is a non existence word. Nothing is ever temporal. A temporary solution is never a solution. I believe that a decision became temporal when we made a new resolution to the same problem.

The harsh reality for me was, I told myself that I will never cry and beg to go home. I for once felt the helpnessness of this unfairness that I felt.

That being said.

My last cry made me stronger.

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