Episode 1
November 6, 2022. A player puts on his NerveGear and boots up Sword Art Online.
The game loads up and the player finds himself in the games starting zone.
Kirito
*Sighs* Sword Art Online. It's been a while since the beta. Wonder if they changed anything.
The player looks up and sees a bunch of ads.
Kirito
Aw, come on! Really? That's just disgusting! Activate Ad Blocker.
An alert pops up saying "Purchase Ad Blocker DLC for $29.99?", causing the player to laugh.
Kirito
*Sigh* I am gonna burn this f**ker to the ground.
Cut to Floor 1: Town of Beginnings, West Field. The player and another player are fighting Frenzy Boars. Player 2 is hit in the balls and flies back.
He rolls on the ground in pain.
Kirito
Wow. Congrats. You were defeated by a pig.
Klein
F**k you, man! That's, like, the pig from hell!
Player 1 hurls a pebble and kills the Frenzy Boar.
Kirito
My god. I've stumbled across the most powerful weapon in the game!
Kirito
The Mithril Pebble of Pig Smiting!
Player 1 takes a deep breath.
Kirito
For you see, long ago, this pebble was forged in the fiery pits of Tartarus, by the grand blacksmith of Lucifer himself. In a time before the world began...
Hours later. The sun is beginning to set, and Player 1 is still rambling while Player 2 is sitting.
Kirito
...And thus, Mardoza, Guardian of the Pebble, fell to his knees, and passed from this world, leaving behind the mighty weapon. For he knew that one day, its power would be required once more.
Kirito
Yes. But the legacy of the pebble lives on.
Klein
I have a feeling you get beat up a lot in real life.
Kirito
SHUT UP! Here I have power!
Klein
Riiiight. Anyway, I've got a pizza coming, and I'm gonna meet up with some friends later. So, thanks for the quick tutorial on pig slaying, and the not-so-quick tutorial on... rocks...
Player 2 looks at Player 1's username.
Kirito
Hey, no problem. I had fun taunting you...
Kirito looks at Player 2's username.
Klein
*Laughing* Yeah. It's uh... It's, uh, just a joke name. Just a character to **** around with while I get the hang of the game. I'm gonna make my real character later.
Kirito
Yeah. Yeah, no. No, I get it.
Kirito
Sooooo... um... your pizza?
Klein
Right, right. Loggin' out.
Klein
Hey, Kirito. Um, total noob question, but how do I log out?
Kirito
Are you serious, man?
Klein
C'mon, man. It's NerveGear. I can't Alt+F4 this sh*t.
Kirito
*Sighs* Alright, fine. It's right... here?
Kirito opens his menu and sees that where the log out button should be is empty.
Klein
Oh, thanks, players guide.
Kirito
No, it's here. It's just... blank.
Klein
Wait. There's something scrolling across mine. "Hahahahaha hahahahaHAha hahaHAhaha hahahaha haha ha ha...".
Klein
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, there more... "ha".
Klein
Well, whatever. I'll just pull the NerveGear off, like... so!
BallsDeep69 tries to remove his NerveGear.
Kirito
Hey, dumbass. It doesn't work that way. The NerveGear disables your motor functions so you don't move around while you play. Don't you remember all those videos of the beta testers?
Cut to video titled "NerveGear Beta Testing - Subject Theta's Wacky Hijinks :D". A beta tester walks into frame.
Guild Member
Whoooaaa. It's so life like.
The beta tester's roommate walks into frame.
Roommate
Oh hey, man. How's the Nerve thing goin-
The Beta Tester proceeds to beat up his roommate.
Klein
Um, do you feel tingly?
Both of them are teleported to the town square.
More players appear, all of whom started chatting with each other. A giant red, hexagonal "Warning" message appears in the sky.
Klein
What the hell is that?
Kirito
Well Ballsy, I believe the locals call it a... "hex-a-gon"? Not sure if I'm pronouncing that correctly, I'll have to check back with you.
The red hexagons cover the sky, which starts to bleed.
Kirito
Aaaand the sky is bleeding.
Klein
Man, they're really working for that M rating.
The blood starts the gather together and spark.
Crowd
Oh my god. What's going on?
NPC 3
Don't worry, baby. I'll protect you.
Blood forms into a figure in a scarlet hooded cloak.
Random 1
Oh, it's a person.
Kayaba
Ladies and gentlemen. I am Kayaba Akihiko, head programmer. Welcome to the unparalleled online experience that is... Sword Art Onli-
Suddenly the crowd begins to chat to each other.
Random 1
Suddenly the crowd begins to chat to each other.
Random 2
LTB! LTB! LTB! LTB!
NPC 1
Will anyone sign my Guild charter? Looking to start a Guild!
NPC 2
Need tank! Need tank!
Random 5
Come back to World of Warcraft guys! It's been better, I swear!
Kayaba
Um, hello? Hel- Hello? Um, hello, people? Kinda talking here. Focus. Kay. Yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and disable general chat her-
He accidentally mutes himself and the player keep chatting.
Klein
Do you think he realizes he just muted himself?
Kayaba
Alright, I just realized what happened there. It's very funny. But right now, serious time. How many of you have seen Tron?
Kayaba
W-What? Seriously?! None of you have seen Tron?! Sh*t, I was really banking that. Okay. Okay, no prob. I can wing this. *Clears throat* Much like the World of Warcraft, none of you are here by choice anymore. Unlike WoW, however, you are being held here by me, not by your need to escape your empty f**king lives. There is no longer any way to log out of Sword Art Online. If someone on the outside attempts to log you out by removing your NerveGear, well... Has anyone seen Scanners?
Kayaba
Uh, Scanners. It's- It's a movie that- Seriously?! Okay, gimme a sec. I'll just...
Kayaba browses the internet.
Kayaba
Alright, here we- here we go. Watch this.
Kayaba plays a clip of a man's head exploding.
Kayaba
Okay, that was from Scanners... and basically that.
Kayaba
Okay, finally! Seeing some gears turning. We're making progress.
Stephen
Why would you do such a thing?!
Kayaba
Stephen? Stephen, is that you? Stephen, how are you enjoying that advance copy?
Stephen
I'm playing with my family!
Kayaba
*Laughing* Oh, that's right! Happy birthday Timmy!
Kayaba
Ah, they grow up so fast. Cherish these moments, Stephen. Cherish these moments. So, as I was saying, the only way to keep the NerveGear from going all Gallagher on your grey matter is to make your way through Castle Aincrad and beat Sword Art Online!
Random 2
So... you want us to beat an MMO?
Kayaba
WHOOOAAA! getting a lot of hostility here. Don't appreciate it.
Random 2
Well, honestly! When was the last time you heard of someone beating Everquest?!
Kayaba
When was the last time you heard of someone PLAYING Everquest?!
Kayaba
Anywho, for all you guys who wanted to play as girls; and you know who you are, well, I've got a surprise for you.
Mirrors appear in every players hands, which turn their Avatars into what they really look like.
The guy from early has turned into a fat boy and the girl has turned into a teenage guy.
NPC 1
LOVE KNOWS NO GENDER!!!
Cut back to Kirito and BallSDeep69.
Klein
You look so... young.
Kirito
And you look less hairy, Balls.
Kirito
*Laughs* No it's not.
Kayaba
As you can see, I have peeled away your petty facades and revealed you for what you truly are... fairly attractive twenty-somethings, apparently. Good for you. Kinda undermines the whole "cold light of day" thing I had planned, but still. Way to break down stereotypes. 'Cept you, fatty. Way to bring down the curve. *Laughing* OH, oh, oh! One more thing, one more thing! I should probably mention if your health points reach zero, your real bodies perish as well.
Kayaba
Uh, okay. If you die in the game, you die for real.
Kayaba
Really? Okay. *Clears throat* Sometimes, things are born, they live, and then they stop. Forever.
Kayaba groans and plays the Scanners clip again. The crowd gasps.
Random 5
Oh my god! If we die in the game, we die for real!
Kayaba
Yeah, I'm just gonna keep that tabbed. And with that, I bid you all adieu.
Kayaba's body begins turn to smoke and his cloak begins to fade away.
Kayaba
Oh, oh, oh! Last thing, I swear. I disabled the profanity filter. Haaave fun with thaaat.
The smoke that was once Kayaba filters through the hexagons in the sky, which disappear with a comedic pop. The crowd is stunned into silence.
Cut to Kirito and BallsDeep69 in an alley.
Kirito
Ballsy, I'm heading to next town, and I need your help.
Klein
Really? You need my help?
Kirito
Yeah. There's a Mini-Boss on the way, and I need some cannon fodder. You in or out?
BallsDeep69 is stunned by the offer.
Klein
As tempting as that sounds, I really should stick with my friends back there. They're about as skilled as I am. So, I figure we have a better chance of surviving if we stick together.
Kirito
Well, monkeys and typewriters.
BallsDeep69 glares at Kirito.
Klein
In ANY case. You may be the most UNBEARABLE asshole I've ever met, but you are REALLY good at this game. We could use you in our group. Whaddya say? You could meet my friends; we'll form a Guild and have all these adventures! It'll be great!
Klein
Well, screw you too! Think you're too good to join my Guild. Think you're all cool 'cause you know how to kill a boar.
Cut to Kirito crying as he runs away.
Kirito
*Crying* He called me an asshole!
Comments
Hai
Nice experience. I've never read like this. Love it so far!
2022-06-23
0
Zulaika Nhz
It's more lively than the real version 😂
2021-06-05
0
sizzlingbangswithcats
hahahaha
2020-11-23
0