Sword Art Online
Episode 1
November 6, 2022. A player puts on his NerveGear and boots up Sword Art Online.
The game loads up and the player finds himself in the games starting zone.
Kirito
*Sighs* Sword Art Online. It's been a while since the beta. Wonder if they changed anything.
The player looks up and sees a bunch of ads.
Kirito
Aw, come on! Really? That's just disgusting! Activate Ad Blocker.
An alert pops up saying "Purchase Ad Blocker DLC for $29.99?", causing the player to laugh.
Kirito
*Sigh* I am gonna burn this f**ker to the ground.
Cut to Floor 1: Town of Beginnings, West Field. The player and another player are fighting Frenzy Boars. Player 2 is hit in the balls and flies back.
He rolls on the ground in pain.
Kirito
Wow. Congrats. You were defeated by a pig.
Klein
F**k you, man! That's, like, the pig from hell!
Player 1 hurls a pebble and kills the Frenzy Boar.
Kirito
My god. I've stumbled across the most powerful weapon in the game!
Kirito
The Mithril Pebble of Pig Smiting!
Player 1 takes a deep breath.
Kirito
For you see, long ago, this pebble was forged in the fiery pits of Tartarus, by the grand blacksmith of Lucifer himself. In a time before the world began...
Hours later. The sun is beginning to set, and Player 1 is still rambling while Player 2 is sitting.
Kirito
...And thus, Mardoza, Guardian of the Pebble, fell to his knees, and passed from this world, leaving behind the mighty weapon. For he knew that one day, its power would be required once more.
Kirito
Yes. But the legacy of the pebble lives on.
Klein
I have a feeling you get beat up a lot in real life.
Kirito
SHUT UP! Here I have power!
Klein
Riiiight. Anyway, I've got a pizza coming, and I'm gonna meet up with some friends later. So, thanks for the quick tutorial on pig slaying, and the not-so-quick tutorial on... rocks...
Player 2 looks at Player 1's username.
Kirito
Hey, no problem. I had fun taunting you...
Kirito looks at Player 2's username.
Klein
*Laughing* Yeah. It's uh... It's, uh, just a joke name. Just a character to **** around with while I get the hang of the game. I'm gonna make my real character later.
Kirito
Yeah. Yeah, no. No, I get it.
Kirito
Sooooo... um... your pizza?
Klein
Right, right. Loggin' out.
Klein
Hey, Kirito. Um, total noob question, but how do I log out?
Kirito
Are you serious, man?
Klein
C'mon, man. It's NerveGear. I can't Alt+F4 this sh*t.
Kirito
*Sighs* Alright, fine. It's right... here?
Kirito opens his menu and sees that where the log out button should be is empty.
Klein
Oh, thanks, players guide.
Kirito
No, it's here. It's just... blank.
Klein
Wait. There's something scrolling across mine. "Hahahahaha hahahahaHAha hahaHAhaha hahahaha haha ha ha...".
Klein
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, there more... "ha".
Klein
Well, whatever. I'll just pull the NerveGear off, like... so!
BallsDeep69 tries to remove his NerveGear.
Kirito
Hey, dumbass. It doesn't work that way. The NerveGear disables your motor functions so you don't move around while you play. Don't you remember all those videos of the beta testers?
Cut to video titled "NerveGear Beta Testing - Subject Theta's Wacky Hijinks :D". A beta tester walks into frame.
Guild Member
Whoooaaa. It's so life like.
The beta tester's roommate walks into frame.
Roommate
Oh hey, man. How's the Nerve thing goin-
The Beta Tester proceeds to beat up his roommate.
Klein
Um, do you feel tingly?
Both of them are teleported to the town square.
More players appear, all of whom started chatting with each other. A giant red, hexagonal "Warning" message appears in the sky.
Klein
What the hell is that?
Kirito
Well Ballsy, I believe the locals call it a... "hex-a-gon"? Not sure if I'm pronouncing that correctly, I'll have to check back with you.
The red hexagons cover the sky, which starts to bleed.
Kirito
Aaaand the sky is bleeding.
Klein
Man, they're really working for that M rating.
The blood starts the gather together and spark.
Crowd
Oh my god. What's going on?
NPC 3
Don't worry, baby. I'll protect you.
Blood forms into a figure in a scarlet hooded cloak.
Random 1
Oh, it's a person.
Kayaba
Ladies and gentlemen. I am Kayaba Akihiko, head programmer. Welcome to the unparalleled online experience that is... Sword Art Onli-
Suddenly the crowd begins to chat to each other.
Random 1
Suddenly the crowd begins to chat to each other.
Random 2
LTB! LTB! LTB! LTB!
NPC 1
Will anyone sign my Guild charter? Looking to start a Guild!
NPC 2
Need tank! Need tank!
Random 5
Come back to World of Warcraft guys! It's been better, I swear!
Kayaba
Um, hello? Hel- Hello? Um, hello, people? Kinda talking here. Focus. Kay. Yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and disable general chat her-
He accidentally mutes himself and the player keep chatting.
Klein
Do you think he realizes he just muted himself?
Kayaba
Alright, I just realized what happened there. It's very funny. But right now, serious time. How many of you have seen Tron?
Kayaba
W-What? Seriously?! None of you have seen Tron?! Sh*t, I was really banking that. Okay. Okay, no prob. I can wing this. *Clears throat* Much like the World of Warcraft, none of you are here by choice anymore. Unlike WoW, however, you are being held here by me, not by your need to escape your empty f**king lives. There is no longer any way to log out of Sword Art Online. If someone on the outside attempts to log you out by removing your NerveGear, well... Has anyone seen Scanners?
Kayaba
Uh, Scanners. It's- It's a movie that- Seriously?! Okay, gimme a sec. I'll just...
Kayaba browses the internet.
Kayaba
Alright, here we- here we go. Watch this.
Kayaba plays a clip of a man's head exploding.
Kayaba
Okay, that was from Scanners... and basically that.
Kayaba
Okay, finally! Seeing some gears turning. We're making progress.
Stephen
Why would you do such a thing?!
Kayaba
Stephen? Stephen, is that you? Stephen, how are you enjoying that advance copy?
Stephen
I'm playing with my family!
Kayaba
*Laughing* Oh, that's right! Happy birthday Timmy!
Kayaba
Ah, they grow up so fast. Cherish these moments, Stephen. Cherish these moments. So, as I was saying, the only way to keep the NerveGear from going all Gallagher on your grey matter is to make your way through Castle Aincrad and beat Sword Art Online!
Random 2
So... you want us to beat an MMO?
Kayaba
WHOOOAAA! getting a lot of hostility here. Don't appreciate it.
Random 2
Well, honestly! When was the last time you heard of someone beating Everquest?!
Kayaba
When was the last time you heard of someone PLAYING Everquest?!
Kayaba
Anywho, for all you guys who wanted to play as girls; and you know who you are, well, I've got a surprise for you.
Mirrors appear in every players hands, which turn their Avatars into what they really look like.
The guy from early has turned into a fat boy and the girl has turned into a teenage guy.
NPC 1
LOVE KNOWS NO GENDER!!!
Cut back to Kirito and BallSDeep69.
Klein
You look so... young.
Kirito
And you look less hairy, Balls.
Kirito
*Laughs* No it's not.
Kayaba
As you can see, I have peeled away your petty facades and revealed you for what you truly are... fairly attractive twenty-somethings, apparently. Good for you. Kinda undermines the whole "cold light of day" thing I had planned, but still. Way to break down stereotypes. 'Cept you, fatty. Way to bring down the curve. *Laughing* OH, oh, oh! One more thing, one more thing! I should probably mention if your health points reach zero, your real bodies perish as well.
Kayaba
Uh, okay. If you die in the game, you die for real.
Kayaba
Really? Okay. *Clears throat* Sometimes, things are born, they live, and then they stop. Forever.
Kayaba groans and plays the Scanners clip again. The crowd gasps.
Random 5
Oh my god! If we die in the game, we die for real!
Kayaba
Yeah, I'm just gonna keep that tabbed. And with that, I bid you all adieu.
Kayaba's body begins turn to smoke and his cloak begins to fade away.
Kayaba
Oh, oh, oh! Last thing, I swear. I disabled the profanity filter. Haaave fun with thaaat.
The smoke that was once Kayaba filters through the hexagons in the sky, which disappear with a comedic pop. The crowd is stunned into silence.
Cut to Kirito and BallsDeep69 in an alley.
Kirito
Ballsy, I'm heading to next town, and I need your help.
Klein
Really? You need my help?
Kirito
Yeah. There's a Mini-Boss on the way, and I need some cannon fodder. You in or out?
BallsDeep69 is stunned by the offer.
Klein
As tempting as that sounds, I really should stick with my friends back there. They're about as skilled as I am. So, I figure we have a better chance of surviving if we stick together.
Kirito
Well, monkeys and typewriters.
BallsDeep69 glares at Kirito.
Klein
In ANY case. You may be the most UNBEARABLE asshole I've ever met, but you are REALLY good at this game. We could use you in our group. Whaddya say? You could meet my friends; we'll form a Guild and have all these adventures! It'll be great!
Klein
Well, screw you too! Think you're too good to join my Guild. Think you're all cool 'cause you know how to kill a boar.
Cut to Kirito crying as he runs away.
Kirito
*Crying* He called me an asshole!
Episode 2
Narrator
A month had passed since that fateful day. When everyone's world got all twisted, leaving them stranded in a castle in the sky. Since then, 2000 poor souls came to an abrupt and tragic end. Some by bad luck, others by sheer stupidity. I mean, really. Why would you just stand in fire? Anyways, that didn't bother The Kid none. He only cared about one thing, and one thing alone. Himself. 'Cuz in a game of life or death, you either live... or you die.
The scene transitions to Kirito leaning against a wall.
Kirito
Oh, WOW. What brilliant insight! It's so deep it loops right back around to being stupid.
Narrator
The Kid ranted at no one, it slowly dawning just how alone he truly was.
Kirito
Wait, what was that?
Narrator
He asked the sky, like a preacher to his silent gods.
Kirito
What gods? What are you talking about?! It's all bullshit metaphors with you!
Narrator
He cried, not knowing the difference between a simile and a metaphor. The tininess of his brain dwarfed only by the tininess of his di-
Narrator
YOUCANSILENCEMEBUTYOUCAN'TSILENCETHETRU-
Kirito turns the Narrator off
Fade in to December 2, 2022 on a strategy meeting lead by Diabel.
Diabel
Hey everyone. Thank you all for coming to our little powwow. Now, I know many of you may be discouraged by the fact that 2000 people have died so far.
Random 2
2000 PEOPLE ARE DEAD?!
NPC 1
IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN A MONTH YET!
NPC 2
OH MY GOD, WE REALLY ARE FUCKED!
Diabel
And I know even more of you are a little down because we haven't even cleared the 1st Floor yet.
NPC 2
I THOUGHT WE WERE ALMOST DONE...!
Diabel
Uhhhh, you guys do know there are 100 Floors, right?
Diabel
Oh jeez, I am just making things worse. Point is, we found the Boss Room!
Diabel
Now, we've formulated a few strategies with some help from the beta testers-
A player named Kibaou jumps in.
Diabel
Kibaou, what do you want?
Kibaou
Beta testers? They're the reason we're stuck in this game!
Diabel
What?! Do you have any evidence to back that up?
Kibaou
Pfft! Evidence. I don't need no evidence. Isn't that right, Jesus?
Kibous points to a player named "Jesus".
Tiffany
It's pronounced "Hey-Zeus", and I don't know you.
Kibaou
Well, they still should have helped us newbies!
Tiffany
If I might interject...
A big, muscular black man gets up and comes to the stage.
Kibaou
And who the hell are you?!
Tiffany
I am known by many names: "Mountain Slayer", "Thunder Lion", "The Chocolate Axe". But you? You may call me... "Tiffany".
Kibaou
T-Tiffany, huh? That's a... pretty masculine name.
Tiffany
Shouldn't be. It's a woman's name.
Kibaou
...Kay, I don't know how to talk to you.
Tiffany
Good. Then you can shut up and listen. Does everyone here have this book in their inventory?
NPC 3
No... Wait, can I change my answer?
Tiffany
This book is full of tips and strategies on how to survive this game, put together by the beta testers. Everyone read it, yet some people still died. The beta testers did everything they could.
Random 2
Actually, I didn't read it.
NPC 1
Yeah, I didn't read it either.
Tiffany
What? Didn't ANY of you read it?! It is literally a matter of life and death.
Random 2
Well, dude. It's, like, 80 pages.
Tiffany
2000 people are dead!
Brief pause. Kirito looks shocked at their stupidity.
Tiffany
I am so done with you people.
Random 2
What do you mean "you people"?
Tiffany and Kibaou take their seats.
Diabel
So, as Mister Thunder Chocolate was saying, this book has some great strategies, including how to beat the 1st Boss, Illfang.
Diabel clears his throat and starts reading from the guide.
Diabel
"So, as you enter the Boss Room, he's gonna throw wave after wave of disposable minions at you... and you must answer in kind."...?
Diabel
"Send the weaker players first. Good rule of thumb: If a player asks you for gold 2 seconds after meeting you, front lines."
Kibaou
Ha, serves 'em right!
Diabel
"If they hijack conversations to rant about their political views, front lines."
Diabel
"If they ask female players for pics of their boobs, front lines."
Guild Member
THAT'S DISCRIMINATION!!!
Diabel
Now, now, people. I think there are some valid points being made here. Now, it goes on to say when Illfang's health goes into the red, he's going to switch from his axe and buckler to something called a "Talwar". At that point we should initiate a strategy called "The Final Solution" and- I'm just gonna stop reading! Jesus, who wrote this thing?
Diabel
Okay, so the guide's a bust. But it'll be fine. I'll come up with a great plan for us.
Diabel
Well... we... could... Uh... Uhhhh... I'm open to suggestions.
Random 8
Whoa, guys, we could- we could, you know, like, group up and-
Random 9
And hit it 'til it DIES!!!
Diabel
That's... a good start. But... let's hear some other suggestions.
Random 9
*German accent* I'd like to hear more about this "Final Solution".
Kirito slides down the seats towards a girl, named Asuna, who's on her own.
Kirito
Sooooo, why aren't, uh, you joining anyone's group?
Kirito
Is it because you're a girl?
Asuna
No. It's because... I don't know how to play.
Kirito
Because you're a girl?
Asuna
NO! It's just... I don't know how to open the menu.
Kirito
What?! But you can't do anything in this game without the menu. How have you survived all month?
Cut to Asuna holding a piece of bread. She is staring at it intensely.
Asuna
HOW DO I EAT YOU?!!!
Asuna
It's... been a challenge... What about you? Why haven't you join the others?
Kirito
Oh, lots of reasons. Mostly because they're a bunch of mouth-breathing neckbeards who think "LMAO" is how French people laugh.
NPC 1
Ha ha, that's so Le Mao!!!
Asuna
Wow. You certainly... speak from the heart.
Kirito
Funny, I thought I was speaking from my mouth. But, eh, shows what I know about biology.
Asuna
No one else wanted you in their group, did they?
Kirito
Shut up! It was mutual!
Diabel
Alright, looks like everyone's grouped up. Get plenty of rest tonight, people! We leave at noon!
Diabel
*Sigh* Alright. What about 1 o'clock?
Random 8
1? Dude, come on!
Diabel
*Groans* God, fine! We leave at the crack of... 2:30, I guess. Lazy butts...
NPC 2
Christ, I'm gonna have to set my alarm.
Cuts to December 3, 2022 Floor 1: Illfang's Tower, 7:30pm. Everyone's at the Boss Door and everyone except Diabel is exhausted.
Diabel
Okay, so there were a few more stairs than we realized. Apparently real life athletic ability translates into the game. Good to know.
NPC 2
*Exhausted* Oh, god. I can feel my lungs trying to kill me.
NPC 1
*Exhausted* Is this sweat?!
Diabel
Jesus, this is sad.
Diabel
**** it. Why don't you all just take a Cheetos and Mountain Dew break, and we'll reconvene in an hour.
1960s Batman-esque transition with Cheetos and Mountain Dew.
Diabel
Dammit, guys! I was kidding! You weren't actually supposed to take an hour! God, we've lost so much time. Let's just do this already! You all know the plan!
The players enter the Boss Room, and which lights up. Illfang jumps into the center of the room and roars. Three Ruin Kobold Sentinels spawn in to protect Illfang. Two of them snarl, and an error message pops up on the third one that says "Error: "Sentinel_Shriek.wav" not found."
Diabel
Alright, men! Form up and-
Random 5
EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!!
The armies converge on each other.
Diabel
What?! No! Goddammit guys! Squad B, quit attacking the Boss and keep Sentinels off us! C and D, stop attacking from the front! Do you even know what "flank" means?! Squad F, for ****'s sake! Stop playing Bejeweled! *Groans* Squad G, get in there and help A and B!
Diabel
Don't talk back to... Holy shit, really?!
Kirito attacks a Sentinel, leaving Asuna to finish it off.
Kirito
Okay, Asuna! What you're gonna wanna do here is-
Asuna lets out a Battle Cry and kills the Sentinel in one hit.
Kirito
Wow, I thought she was hopeless, but her technique is flawless. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she was even better than I-
Asuna
Hey Kirito! I killed the thing and now it says I have XPs! Is that bad? Am I dying?!
Kirito
Or... maybe... not.
Illfang's health drops into the red. He snarls at the players and he tosses his weapons.
Diabel
Alright, men! This last part's gonna take careful coordination... which is why I'm just gonna do it myself!
Diabel charges his weapon art. Illfang draws his Nodachi.
Kirito
Oh shit! Diabel, look out! That's not a Talwar! It's a Nodachi!
Diabel
What's the difference?!
Kirito
Well, a Talwar is of Indian descent while a Nodachi is Japanese! While both are primarily slashing weapons, the Talwar was favored by cavalrymen, as opposed to a Nodachi which was mainly used for **** measuring!
As Kirito is talking, Illfang starts jumping off the walls.
Diabel
What's your point?!
Kirito
Well, if you let me finish, I was getting to that! You see...
Diabel gets hit by Illfang, screaming in pain.
Illfang hits Diabel again, sending him flying.
Illfang pops down in front of Kibaou and roars. Message pops up "Bonus Item: Soiled Pants".
Kirito runs over to Diabel.
Kirito
I was trying to say a Nodachi's a little bit longer than a Talwar, so it'll have more reach and do a bit more damage.
Diabel
*Weakly* And why couldn't you say that first?
Kirito
I like to think of myself as a teacher. Anyway, drink this.
Kirito tries to give Diabel a healing potion.
Diabel
No. It's better this way. I just can't do it anymore. I had such high hopes at first. But now? Our best player is a girl who thinks DPS is some kind of sex thing.
Kirito
I know. It's weird, right?
Diabel
You're clearly not like the rest of them. How do you stand it, Kirito? Where do you draw your strength?
Kirito
I've been playing MMO's a long time, Diabel, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that lions do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep. Just take that little voice in your head that tells you to be tactful and understanding... and shoot it. Shoot it in the goddamn face.
Diabel
You are so wise. If only I'd met you sooner. Perhaps, things would have been different. You must lead them now. Show them this game can be beaten.
Kirito
In another life... in another time... I think we could have been friends.
Kirito
Well, **** you too!
Asuna slips in by Kirito's side.
Asuna
Alright, Kirito. Here's what we'll do. One counters his blows to knock him off balance and the other switches in to attack. Rinse. Repeat. Victory.
Kirito
You came up with that, but you can't open a menu.
Illfang roars and they take off running toward him.
Kirito
Alright, so you counter and I'll attack!
Asuna
What? No, it's my plan! I should attack!
Kirito
Fine, just get ready!
Kirito makes a battle cry and counters Illfang's attack.
Asuna moves in and gets her cloak destroyed by Illfang before attacking.
Kirito
See? You almost got yourself killed! I'll attack him!
Asuna
Oh, that was a fluke, and you know it! He's mine!
Kirito blocks Illfang's next attack, but Asuna attacks him before Kirito can do so himself.
Kirito
NO! HE'S! MIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!
Kirito slices Illfang and he explodes. Everyone is stunned. Lame party kazoo sound effect and a banner with the word "CONGRATULATION" appears.
Kirito is panting. He gets an item as a reward for defeating the Boss.
Tiffany
Congratulation! That was even more impressive than that cat that learned to play.
Cut to a player with a cat's head, with another player staring at it. The cat meows.
NPC 1
Oh my god! You guys can see it too?! So, I'm not crazy! Isn't that great, Jesus?!
We see things from the player's perceptive, with a giant hallucination of Jesus Christ looming over the crowd.
Random 5
That's right, Jeffrey. Now... kill them all.
Jeffrey
*Whispering* As you command, my Lord.
Cut back to Tiffany talking to Kirito. The other players are applauding his victory.
Tiffany
You've led us to victory, Kirito. These men and I will follow you to hell itself. Now... address your people.
Kirito
I always knew this day would come. Ahem. Fellow gamers! We have travelled far and up many stairs to get to this point. Fighting side by side, noobs and leets, alike. I'd like to take a moment to say that I couldn't have done it without the help of each and every one of you.
Tiffany
Aw, that's a nice thing to say-
Kirito
Of course, I'm not a liar, so I'm not gonna say any of that.
Kirito
I mean, really. I could've done this whole Boss Fight myself. But to be fair, I guess you did absorb a bit of damage for me, which was nice. You were an adequate meat shield, and no one can ever take that away from you.
Tiffany
****. ****! Shut up! SHUT UP!
Kirito
So, for those of you who came in late, and that one guy playing Bejeweled back there... shoot for the stars... it'll make it more fun when I kick you back into the dirt.
Kibaou
You're not better than us!
Kirito equips the coat he got for beating Illfang.
Kirito
My sweet-*** coat begs to differ.
NPC 1
Dammit, he's got us there.
Kirito ascends the stairs out of the Boss Room. Asuna follows him.
Kirito
I'm... sorry. What?!
Asuna
I want half the coat. I did half the work, I should get half the coat.
Kirito
No! It's not fabric I can cut! It's a bunch of 1s and 0s!
Asuna
Fine, then give me the 1s.
Kirito
**** you! I want the 1s! *Groans* I am not having this argument. I'm disolving this party.
Kirito opens his menu and "Disolves" their party.
Asuna
Kirito! If you walk away with my half the coat, I will make your life a living hell!
Kirito
You know what? Fine! I'll give you the damn coat! Just send me a trade request.
Kirito
Oh, it's quite simple really... Just open your menu.
Kirito starts laughing his *** off as he walks out the doors.
Asuna
YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!
Episode 3
The picture in the book transition to when it was taken, April 8, 2023, Floor 11, Taft. Inside the tavern a Guild of five people, called the Moonlit Black Cats, are at Kirito's table. They clink their cups together in a toast.
Moonlit Black Cats
To Kirito!
Kirito
Who are you people and why are you at my table?
The leader, Keita turns to Kirito.
Keita
Ah, Kirito. Can I call ya Kirito?
Keita
Here's the thing, Kirito. I couldn't help but noticing while I was rifling through your character page-
Kirito
I thought I had that set to private...
Keita
...that YOU... are not associated with any Guilds! So, the crew and I, I call them the crew by the way, were thinking that you... should join our Guild.
Kirito
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
Keita
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Am I really worthy to join these awesome dudes?"
Kirito
I've literally never thought that about anyone.
Keita
But let me assure you. We could certainly use someone with your... assets.
Keita looks at Kirito's level, which is at Level 40, and moans with delight. The only girl in the Guild, Sachi, looks annoyed by this.
Kirito
Hey! Hey! My eyes are down here!
Keita
*Laughing* Right, right. So, whaddya say, Ki? Can I call ya "Ki"?
Keita
Mmm hmm, I see. And what if I put on this hat?
Keita puts on a hat, a message pops up saying "+50 CHR".
Kirito
Oh, don't be ridiculous- What the hell am I signing?
Kirito, under the influence of Keita's Charisma Hat, signs a Guild charter, which makes him a member of the Guild.
Keita
To the newest member of the Moonlit Black Cats! To Kirito!
Keita
So, let me introduce you to the crew. I call them the crew, by the way.
Keita
This here is Sachi... and, uh, the rest are NPCs.
Keita
Yeah, they're all companions from different quests! They help ya fight, and as long as you never finish, they stay with you!
NPC 1
We must save my family!
NPC 2
The bandits are coming!
Kirito
Um, is that important?
Keita
Nah, it's part of the quest. They say that, like, every 4 seconds.
NPC 3
Always remember. To jump: Jump!
Keita
And, uh, he's from the tutorial. It's not a good tutorial.
NPC 3
Winners don't use drugs! Except steroids! In which case, use lots of drugs!
Kirito
Wait, so, you never finished the tutorial?
Keita
Hey, just because I can't play the game, doesn't mean I can't... "play the game". Wink.
Kirito
I feel like you don't know how winking works.
Sachi
Th- Thank you for joining our Guild, Mr. Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Kirito.
Sachi glitches as she talks.
Kirito
Sweet merciful Buddha, what the ****?!
Keita
Now, now. Don't panic. Sachi just lives out in the boonies, so her internet connection is kinda shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi...
Sachi's lag spreads to Keita.
Fade into May 16, 2023. Kirito steps out of a warp pad and a message from Keita appears. Kirito plays it.
Keita
Hey, Kirito, buddy. Sachi kinda ran off and we don't know where she went. Could you be a pal and track her down? I'd look for her myself, but the NPCs are sorta blocking the door and I can't get out.
NPC 1
We must save my family!
Keita
MOVE!!! *Groans* Listen buddy, I'm gonna need your help sooner rather than later. I'm starting to think this is a two-man job.
NPC 3
You've been playing for *Robotic voice* 4608 *Normal voice* hours. Maybe you should take a break.
Keita
I would if I could, Mom! But that's not really an option now, is it?! *Sigh* Now he's is clipping through the wall. This is just perfect. *Groans* So, yeah, if you could just take care of that for me, that'd be great.
Kirito
Yeah, good luck with that, Keita. It's my day off.
Keita
And because I know it's your day off, I went ahead and included a little motivation.
Kirito
Riiight. Keita when have you ever had anything I-
A picture the Charisma Hat appears. Kirito activates Detection and runs off.
Kirito
I HATE THAT GODDAMN HAT!
Cuts to Sachi under a bridge. Kirito appears with his eyes glowing.
Kirito
Yo, Sachi. Keita said you ran off or-
Sachi
Jesus Christ! What's wrong with your eyes?!
Kirito
What?! Oh right, Detective Mode. One sec.
Kirito turns it off. His eyes start sizzling and he groans in pain.
Kirito
Oh, that's brisk...!
Sachi
Is it supposed to hurt like that?
Kirito
I don't think so. Unless the game was developed by a sadist!
Kirito
Yeah, I heard it! So anyway, I figure I got about... oh, 5 minutes before I black out from the pain. So, Princess. Why'd you run off?
Sachi
Because... I'm terrified my lag is going to get me and everyone I love killed.
Kirito
Well shit, I don't know how to mock that... Oh god! That's never happened before!
Sachi
Well, maybe this is something you don't need to mock.
Kirito
Uh, *Coughs/laughs* okay. But then what's the point of other people if not to mock them?
Sachi
You know, I'm starting to see why people think you're an asshole.
Kirito
People think I'm an asshole?!
Kirito
Wow, Sachi. You've really opened my eyes! I've been such a jerk! Well, no more. You're looking at a whole new Kirito. From now on, I'm gonna be nicer, and show people the compassion they deserve!
Sachi
So, can we talk about my problems now?
Sachi
*Disappointed* Oh... Hey, I thought you said you were gonna black out from the pain.
Kirito
Oh yeah. *Sniff* Guess I'm just a lot tougher than I thou-
Kirito's eyes start sizzling as he screams in pain.
Cut to June 21, 2023, with the Guild at the inn.
Keita
Hey crew, I know you guys have been working really hard, and I've got some good news!
Keita
A-And some bad news. The good news is, we're in debt to the Mob! No, wait, that's the bad news. Also, there's no good news.
Sachi
There's a Mob in this game?!
Keita
Uhhhhh, yeah, I may have promised some... let's say "unsavory" individuals that I could duplicate their rare item, and, well, it turns out that got patched.
Kirito
So, then why don't you just give back their item?
Keita
*Laughing awkwardly* Yeah, well, here's the thing. I kinda sold it, and now...
NPC 2
The bandits are coming!
Keita
Precisely! But the Don says all will be forgiven if we replace the item.
Kirito
Well, okay. That doesn't sound too-
Keita
It only drops on the 27th Floor.
Keita
Well, uh, let me put it this way: Take the most horrific, awful thing you can think of... and multiply it by cancer.
The Guild leans back in shock.
Keita
But you'll do fine! You've got Kirito! And he's practically carrying this crew!
Keita
So, on that note, what do you guys think?
Kirito
Well, no offence. But that is the most-
Kirito stops himself when he realizes Sachi is glaring at him.
Kirito
*Faking a smile* ...probably fine idea I've ever heard!
Keita
That's a weird way to phrase that.
Kirito
Don't push me on this.
Keita
Alright! So, we got us a game plan!
Sachi
W-Wait, you didn't say what you're doing in all this.
Keita
Well, the thing about that is...
Hard cut to June 22, 2023. Keita is on a warp pad in the town square with the hat on his head.
Kirito
We really need to take that hat away from him.
Cut to June 22, 2023, Floor 27: Labyrinth. The Guild are searching for the item.
Kirito
God, we've been looking for hours. Where is this stupid thing supposed to drop, anyway?
Sachi
Uh, Kirito? Did Keita even tell us which item we're looking for?
NPC 1
We must save my family!
NPC 1 opens a secret door, revealing a small chest in a large room.
Kirito
*Sarcastically* Oh wow. A single chest in an empty room. Yeah, this looks legit. Come on, guys. Even we're not dumb enough to fall for this...
Kirito
Sachi? You set them to auto-loot, didn't you?
Sachi
Yeah. I thought it would save time.
Alarms blare, the lights turn red and the door closes behind them.
Kirito
*Sarcastically* Oh yeah. We're sprinting to our deaths at RECORD SPEED!
Sachi
Well, it might not be a trap. Maybe we just won a prize, or something.
Slaughternauts and Murder-Golems spawn in the room.
Kirito
*Sarcastically* Oh wow! Slaughternauts AND Murder-Golems?! It must be my BIRTHDAY!!!
Sachi
I thought you were gonna be nicer.
Sachi
It's okay! We'll just grab one of the Teleport Crystals from Gary!
Kirito
WHO THE **** IS GARY?!
NPC 1
We must save my family!
NPC 1 holds up a Teleport Crystal and teleports out.
Kirito
OF COURSE IT WAS!!!
Sachi
No, no, no, it's fine! Charlie's got a bunch of health potions!
Kirito
Which one's Charlie?!
Kirito
Never mind! I got it!
Kirito
OH GOD, STOP! Look, we're just gonna have to fight our way out!
Sachi
Okay. I'm scared, but I trust you-ou-ou-ou-ou-
A Golem hits Sachi in the back as she is lagging, fatally wounding her.
Sachi
Kirito... This isn't... your fault- your fault- your fault- your fault- your fault- YOOOOUUUUR FAAAAUUUULT.
Sachi's lag causes her to glitch out, in a horrifyingly scarring manner, and she dies.
Kirito is seen in the woods looking for something, as we hear the memory of an info broker.
BallsDeep69 and his Guild appear.
Kirito
That was... unsettling. What the hell was that?
Klein
*Sighs* I correct people so often, they think it's how I say hello.
Kirito
Well, that's unfortunate.
Klein
Yeah, no kidding. So, what are you doing out here?
Kirito
Eh, I've been having this weird pain in my chest. I was hoping this rare item might be able to fix it.
Klein
Well, that's strange. What do you think caused it?
Kirito
Well, I suppose it started right after I watched my entire Guild get slaughtered. But, I mean, I didn't take any damage, so that can't be it...
BallsDeep69 is shocked over the stupidity of Kirito's statement.
Suddenly, the Mob teleports in.
Mobster
Kirito. As the sole survivor of the Midnight Black Cats, the debt naturally falls to you. The Don sends his regards.
Klein
Well, as many question as this raises, I'm gonna keep this brief. Kirito, you're not injured, you're sad that all your friends died.
Kirito
Wow, I never thought about it like that.
Klein
Yeah, big shock, ya friggin' sociopath. Look, I've heard rumors that item might be able to rez players. It's a long shot, but you owe it to yourself to try. Go on ahead. We'll hold them off.
Kirito
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thank you... Klein.
Klein makes a whimper of delight. Kirito runs off.
Guild Member
Hey boss, who's Klein?
Kirito
Don't ruin this for me!
Kirito arrives in front of the tree.
A Boss named Nicholas: The Renegade crashes onto the ground, looking horrifying.
Nicholas roars as Kirito runs towards him while making a battle cry. Fade to white. Fade back to an exhausted Klein and his Guild, having chased off the Mob. Kirito steps out of the portal and walks toward Klein and the Guild.
Klein
Kirito, how'd it go? Did you win?
Kirito looks emotionally drained.
Kirito
Does this look like the face of victory to you?
Kirito throws Klein the item. He opens it and a hat appears on his head. The same hat Keita used.
Kirito
It's a hat. It's a god... damn... hat.
Klein
Well, what do you wanna do with it?
Kirito
Wear it. Poop in it. I really don't care anymore. But, I do suppose I should thank you. You made me realize that by being nice and letting people in... they'll just die. But even still, thank you for showing me that there's still a part of me that can feel like this. Because now that I know where to find it, I've killed it forever. So, thank you. Thank you for freeing me... Balls.
Kirito walks off. Balls grabs his coat to stop him.
Klein
*On the verge of tears* No. No! You were so close! You were almost a person! *Crying* YOU WERE SO CLOSE!!!
BallsDeep69 breaks down crying.
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