Am I the Problem?

Am I the Problem?

One step at a time

The silence between us stretched, but for once, it wasn’t suffocating. It was calm, steady, like the ocean after a storm. Noah didn’t let go of my hand, and I didn’t pull away. For the first time in a long time, I let myself hold on.

After what felt like forever, I finally spoke. “I don’t know how to start again, Noah. I don’t even know where to begin.”

He squeezed my hand gently. “You don’t have to have all the answers right now. Just take one step at a time.”

I let out a shaky breath. One step at a time. It sounded so simple, yet it felt like the hardest thing in the world.

Noah glanced around my room, his eyes landing on the half-empty coffee cup on my desk, the scattered papers, the closed curtains. His expression softened, but there was something else there too—determination.

“Okay,” he said, standing up suddenly. “First step—let’s get some fresh air.”

I frowned. “What?”

“You’ve been stuck in this room too long,” he said simply, reaching for the curtains. Before I could protest, he pulled them open, and light flooded the space. I flinched at the sudden brightness, blinking as if I hadn’t seen daylight in weeks. Maybe I hadn’t.

“Noah—”

“No arguments,” he interrupted, turning back to face me. “Just one step, remember? Come outside with me. Just for a little while.”

I hesitated. The thought of stepping outside, of facing the world again, sent a ripple of anxiety through me. But then I looked at Noah—at the way he was standing there, patient but firm, like he wasn’t going to let me drown in this darkness any longer.

And maybe… just maybe, I didn’t want to drown anymore either.

“Okay,” I whispered.

A small smile touched his lips, like he knew how much that one word had cost me. He stepped back, giving me space as I slowly got up from the couch. My legs felt unsteady, my heart pounding in my chest. But I kept moving.

One step at a time.

We walked outside, the cool evening air brushing against my skin. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed the sky, the way the world felt so open compared to the four walls of my room. The sun was setting, streaks of pink and orange stretching across the horizon, and for a moment, I just stood there, breathing it in.

Noah didn’t say anything. He just stood beside me, his presence steady, grounding.

I glanced at him. “Why do you care so much?”

He turned his head to look at me, his eyes serious. “Because you matter.”

I swallowed, my throat tight. “Even when I push you away?”

“Even then.”

A lump formed in my throat, but this time, it wasn’t from pain. It was something else. Something I wasn’t sure I had felt in a long time.

Hope.

I didn’t know what would happen next. I didn’t know if I would wake up tomorrow feeling the same weight in my chest, or if I would fall back into old habits. But right now, in this moment, standing beneath the setting sun with Noah beside me—I didn’t feel so alone.

Maybe healing wasn’t about fixing everything at once.

Maybe it was just about taking the first step.

And for the first time in a long time, I was willing to try.

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